McBay verdict page 1. God Bless all the folks that survived this process.... including me! May we all be better people in our lives. May we each find new ways to deal with the moments when we are called to service. May we each find new ways to see the human inside the process.... and remeber we are safekeepers of each other.....may we find new ways to rise to that opportunity, and to protect and serve! 

McBay verdict page 2. 4years, 3 trials, the weight is lifted. 

the part I played

14 years ago, I embarked on a journey. Last week, I completed that journey. Just one of many overlapping life into art, art into life journeys. But a big one, and in effect, a representation of the Willie Nelson aphorism "Be careful what you dream, cause pretty soon your dream may be dreaming you".... And to continue his first hand wink-wink-nudge-nudge inside joke/report, "in this case, it just so happens to be a good dream". So said Willie, as it appeared filmed on my local cable TV show.

So many times, also, in my own life .....I can also say, "thank god, in this case it was a good dream". This poster is a moment to a part I played in a life changing day for girls 14-18. I was/am so proud to have played a part in the day that already happened, fully successful for these girls making their future dreams come true.

The mentoring elder women with stories to tell of their many scenarios for life paths, and how to steer clear of dangers, how to become empowered, how to make good choices, how to develop internal self-confidence, and how to play a part in building a better world for us all. ..... I have been telling people for years that I come from a family of builders and community service doers. I have been joining in for years towards these types of big days...

Yes, I come from a very strong line of performance based humanitarians. Sure, if you talk to the rest of my family, you'll hear them describe their work as "the Lord's work".

Me, I studied a wide range of religions. I'll work alongside of any of the true participants of any path, no matter what the path is called. I'll build temples with the Buddhists, I'll fix the roof for the Islamic brothers, I'll volunteer for the adventure-fear facing seminar leaders, I'll spend 4 years working with/for the meditating yogis at 40 bucks a month doing video, another 10 years in the nearby town creating a town to match what we produced.... with so many friends found and held dear along the way, each new level of work also includes the hearts left behind.

You could never know how it feels to build on this level, unless you set out and try it personally. With each equation, a whole new family of dear freinds, each another community on the path, as I walk towards the next project.

I'll work with the Catholics, the Jews, the Christians, the rock and roll visionaries and with each group I am one of them, because all true practitioners are unified beneath the labels, heart to heart. Findable through quality of heart's results.

And through it all, I'll be doing my path of "art as a spiritual path". Not for recognition... most of the time semi-anonymous. Not for everybody. but yet, there are always folks to share th eprocess with.... me, I don't even have a donation box, I'm beyond non-profit, where most non-profits fizzle, I'm still working, or just starting. ....

Here I am at the Aha! center, and I feel fulfillment when I see Anne and her volunteers, Mark and others pitching in. It's the turn of a cycle I set out on 14 years ago... intentional ... but even before I had seen that part of my personal stake in seeing women empowered, wanting to help my first wife in a symbolic way, I had already put in 15 years towards a better world through devoted years in a meditation community. Trying to help solve the riddle of innovative education way back then... some sort of equation where creative flow has an equal part to play next to physical labor and the intellectual values.

My big story about all this, has always been this, and I pose it as a question; "If you can develop all the tools to build/create/serve/paint/invent/remodel, etc. wouldn't it make sense to then build something that instills or maintains towards instilling transformation?"

In other words, what kind of experience are you providing through what you build/create? Are you expanding the experience of others towards a new way to relate to their potential?

I've known artists, musicians etc, all the various practitioners of all the trades, I know they like to put down their brushes /tools down and go on vacations etc. I've heard about that version of practice. The whole job idea. Where you do something in the day, that pays you well enough to enjoy your nights and week-ends and vacations and retirement. You do something in the day that pays the bills, that you forget about and leave at the office when you clock out. I respect that. Can't do it... But I respect it.

My path, my process, my art, my energy it's all brushes & breath to me. I can't leave it for a second. It is woven into me. I see like an artist, whether I paint what I see or not, I see it all as if it's all being reflected as if in a painting experience. Life's interactions, the teams, the goals, the journeys... all of it, all necessar, all one, all the same thing.

Even on the days I lay myself down to store up more energy for the next project, I am still right in it. Square center on the path, Yeah, I like the idea of others being able to put their brushes down and relax away. My path is my heart beat. It's beautiful.... there will be no putting down of the tools.

Instead, when I assert myself through devoted action/intention, I seek to leave something with that action that is home to other people's dream potential. I love the idea that folks can walk into the Aha! center and remember who they are in relation to their potential. I watch for that from a distance. This is what I need to hear, see, .... to know that my work has encouraged this.

Once I had helped in all the various ways I could have helped on the Girl's economic power day, I stepped away. That was their day. I had permission to paint in my studio for that day, to be here. I checked. But I stepped away. It was their day. It was that sacred. My heart was so full, and I appreciated even the folks who forgot who I was around the center, recently. As usual, with this kind of work, many can't comprehend that a human would do it for these reasons, to build for others. Yeah... I owe rent. yeah, my life needs a lot of repair, I live in my art-truck... that can all be on hold. I don't need to finish a painting in here on a day when those folks are being fulfilled in their process of serving each other.... It was right for me to take some steps out into the clear blue sky.

None of that matters now.... I still have a sense of awe and peace, almost a week later. I know I saw my dream fulfilled.

Sometimes I wish I could rest my role for awhile. Sometimes I wish I could relax away from it... I tried to make my process a job, a long time ago. It only hurts me and others when I try to fit it into that box.

Anyone who knows me can search me out, and if they have a true need in the middle of the night, I will help them. I cannot refuse. Even when I walked out in the blue sky that day, whil e the women served each other here, my energy was in this place, wishing them well, hoping for a day they could treasure. Call it intiention or prayer.... whatever, I was away physically, but I was sending all I could with all the good I could of these kinds of intentions held for me by others.. so, it is part of my role to keep that space safe and celar and pristine for these friends here, each and every day. It's none of my business what guides them. I can only share our process, and my intent. all that matters is that we help make a space for the future potentials for others to blossom/expand. the rest is none of my concern.

That is my vow. That is me. I know no one who can /will be here today/tonight/tomorrow/this very second for me. That must be because, I am already being cared for by protector/creator. All I know is my work and my relationship to it. I sweep clear the path to that.


Right now, today. The solemn solo space I inhabit, well that is the price some say I pay when I am always working towrds long range goals. Others get to meet and socialize between the action. The few friends who really are deep in my life know that on these or those relaxed occasions, I am think-tanking with them the next new hurdle/challenge we can overcome. It's not a work-aholic thing. It's a reality thing. We have this time. If we work together, we can do miracle. Spend time with your close few and notice how energized you are after a job well done. that is the time that the hearts/minds of all are focused beyond limitations... test using that time to create your next fruition. You'll see.

... I intend, during thes/those times. I voice my intentions, I hold all the dear ones in big arms and call us to look at the new goals awaiting. When we say we can do it then, we soon do it and for me there is no surprise. I am used to this.
But relaxing on past success and getting drunk with it , that has always proved to be a disaster for me.... Let others have those moments. If I am invited, I won't douse their parade, I will be quietly dreaming for our next fruition.

I would like to encourage you to know that as the time to get ready and really live beyond your limits.

I have been used to hearing about this process others call relaxing, as being shielded by false self-reflections... that is the way it is for me.... resting on Accolades, slapping each other on the back. I can only stomach so much of it. but I would never refuse doing that AND dreaming towards the next goals.

I have seen the ego's nasty work on the psyche. There is nothing more dangerous. Be careful of friendships that rest on past successes, or where promises are lofted, in light of unwon goals. Don't let them interfere with what you can truly be in relation to others. don't let the clarity of that vision keep you from pitching in anyway.

Me, I need bigger reasons than friendship to pitch in. I need bigger reasons than money, or fame or credit. If I feel I have developed the talent to create what I envision, then I want to envision and create something that makes a day more beautiful for others, lightens their loads, re-inspires them beyond. If I have the chance to use my energy towards this, I get to see it multiplied, therefore. Because the process I completed really gets more fuller with each new person interacting with it. And I need to see that, or I won't make another step for awhile, I will wait until I see that next step in clarity of that goal. One step at a time, for the whole path awaits. ... no matter what it is, we'll know the part we played.

These kinds of systems are well within each of our hands.
A simple equation is this very next week. I haven't anyone to give a valentine to. I am not sure I believe in it. But I know others do. If I have the chance to connect hearts, through conversation, a hug or some sort of impulse, then I will respond to those opportunities on the path that arises before me. I've reached that point in my life where I enjoy seeing others gain what I still struggle to recieve. I am honest enough to admit that I am stil gettin ready in so many ways.

Meantime, I definitely enjoy seeing folks mended, renewed or expanded.

Yeah, I have folks that I need to do that with, right here, right now. And I know I need to walk my heart/talk. I always invite folks to study my action, but study it all. Notice I always work my way back to the place where those kinds of solutions work themselves out on their own. With full dignity for all. This requires being internally ready. Doing your part ahead of those moments. You can diffuse it all inside. Once diffused, I never hesitate to share that new level. Other folks call this forgiving and forgetting. to me those words describe a level of force unnecessary. Folks say that coming together and saying the right words in order proves process works. I say, leave your idea of what it should be, and live your idea of what it can be... notice how that showcases all the rooms inside your own nhouse you still need to clean. Walk with that a few steps, and you can easily see empathatically through another's eyes.

What if you could do it all, in the right timing, and not even have to try... just because you did it from inside out, by living true? I refuse rules that do not include the innner component.

I have seen that folks take years to change in very, very small ways. Anyone who expects to say words, and leave the action performance shift-change out of the equation is talking/doing nothing. Performance/action shows intention everytime.

We can't force people to express peace unless they can find it inside. That's as easy/hard for me as the next guy. Just so happens, I have my life vows set on not walking away for that equation, I must honor it... it must turn out for the better for all. there can be no enemies. Others may get to put it down like a brush or a tool or a job....but the brush is my energy and breath. There is not dropping the task at hand.

I insist on performance based results from myself only. I insist that I see the best intentions reflected back from everything I do. I study that reflection. I always will. That is the way I get to know about how well I am doing. where I need to improve. I don't wish this on anybody. I can't expect anyone else, for example to hold a goal for 14 years like I did until last week. I needed to see those girls arrive at the Aha! center, under the tutelage of Anne and her crew and Mark and others... I needed to see that it all matched my best intentions evocted through murals painted...

What I held in my heart, was the pure knowledge that many of those girls were the same age as my first wife wa, when some of her future was abruptly shifted becasue of what she faced in her life.

I held my intention, to have an influence on protecting girls of that age, even if from a distance. that was my secret prayer all these years, to help play a part. those intentions went into every action inside this place. I hold those intentions, still, now, not just for young girls but on behalf of anyone who seeks their fuller potential and a life of truth, freedom, beauty and fulfillment. For me, it is not an arbitrary intention. It is one formed having seen first hand how the wound looks that my former wife carried.

Here, at aha! I needed to see that I played a part, long distance, anonymous, but played apart in their/anyone's better future. That is how I honored the love I still have for my first wife. That is how I prove that I heard her pain when I got close to that life wound she may still carry. That is how I measure what I learned about those kinds of wounds. A day of beauty, a day of peace, a day of empowerment for young girls. Seeing it in the hands of expanded hearts, who were all dedicated to protect if for them, make it so for them... this was a joy unimagined. and a huge day for me.

Think about it.

To be there/here in person, this was my joy.... I needed no award or medal. I could go out into the day of sun and feel peace. Peace for the part I played.

I have no reason to paint, sell, write, sing, if it doesn't transform towards becoming this. I have heard the stories. Folks have come up to me and said they were visted by the person in one of my paintings. I have heard those stories. I have heard the stories of people's reflections about the paintings here today. I need to hear these stories, or there will be no more paintings. I need to see the faces of folks light up to the music and dancing in joy. I need to hear their drum and their hearts beating. Or there will be no more of my music offered.

Listen, it's not that difficult! Yes, it takes years to develop, but you can see it right now, whereever you are...you can loft it... and intention , a smile, a beautiful color. You can find the board with the nail in it, and turn it over. No more injuries there! You can turn araound and pick the junk up out of the highway... be careful, or call and have someone do it. Save a life long distance.

Last week, I was in a hurry. I was on my ride back here. I saw a sign pole that had been dislodged over night. It was leaning into the bike path at the exact level of a person's head. I stopped, slowed down. walked to that pole and reset it. Nobody needs to get knocked unconscious there!

Yes we each have our own way/style part to offer. .... So, who among us isn't going to go through those/these years anyway?

I decided I wanted to make art that reached the place where people get re-invigorated. I wanted to repair and remodel this place, to paint it in such a way that hearts could expand in here. I saw the girls enjoying that. I saw what I needed to see to know it was worth the risks posed to my health (fumes, etc.).

To see them introduced to their potential by older women who know the wellspring of their inner core. What a beautiful sight to see. I feel blessed.

If I wanted to encourage, and I still do. If wanted to bear witness to beauty, to showcase it for folks to feel inspired, to add spring to their step.... I guess you can understand I felt like I had the grace to see the part I played.

To move them towards their best day yet, that was what the speakers, the volunteers did... I was way back here, making a place for folks to dream of doing it here....for some it was this, a vision like mine of that day....for others, it was more up-close. I am sure there were parties to celebrate somewhere. Mine was in my heart, watching th epart I played.

To know that folks you will never meet in person have a memory that was built by the efforts of a large group of people, nurtured, expanded and that you dreamed for that too... it's a badge in itself.

To know it was a distinct empowering moment... that it was perhaps a life treasure for many. I can tell you this, IT IS for me.
wow.

I'll tell you this! The only reason I can name it, that I can seek it, and that I can work towards it over and over and over again, is simply because many of the folks I have known have done the same for me, growing up, over all these years.... and still do now!

It's happened for me! I have been inspired by others! I have witnessed the actions, the intersessions os folks, seen the movies that changed my world, that matched my dream, that helped me further down the road. that kept my intentions/my hope alive!

The actions anonymous by others on behalf of the best part of what we all need in this world... they are all around us. the very best are almost like whispers. somebody moved harm out of our way. I see it daily here, in Shallow Alto a.k.a. Palo Alto, where so many pretend they are still wealthy, though they lost a fortune in the tech stocks...

That teaches me, noticing they are doing beyond their past, re-creating something better for all of us... and i do not suggest I see much, just enough to encourage me in in my process.

You folks, who let me walk forward on your efforts, you taught me! And I have researched that strange mystery of what fuels others who are trying to build, rather than rip and tear. I have heard their reports. They march to a similar drum. .......

So, I stepped "down this street" a year and a month ago. This building was empty. The lease hadn't been signed. I looked in the window. I said, out loud, as if in a prayer, that "I can build something for the people in here" . A year later, and it has come to pass. But it took 14 years to practice and get ready.

Last week, I saw 250 beautiful young girls mentored by older women, into a newer, safer, more transformational way of living. I helped the process,from a distance, in whatever way I could. I loaned my amplifiers, I set up the lights, I consulted with the videographer, helped her plan for a better filming. I helped get the center room set-up, I moved all my paintings off the walls.... I loved the fact that everyone appreciated whatever I did, and I loved the fact that I got to hear the first speaker tell the girls how she had redeemed her life from "cliff's edge". Once I heard that opening, and the day was underway, I made a graceful exit. My job was done, at least, to this small plateau... but there is so much more work to do!

That day. I had other work else where. I did my otherwork elsewhere.

Beneath all these great feelings of being able to play a part, I have the knowledge that I did well painting the murals, the floors, repairing the floor radon leaks, setting the tiles, and taking on all the fumes related with all those projects this whole past year.... Each day, I get a little healthier, as I release another layer of the toxins I let myself breathe in.... With my snake bite diminished liver, I knew full well I could have killed myself while working on these floors. for me, it was a worthwhile risk. I did all that overnite, I cleared the fumes with fans before other folks came the next day... it was a dark, solemn, solo, lonely journey.... so what, ? small price to pay. Even if I had died as a result of the fumes, it would have been, still is a small price to pay.

I am still re-leasing toxins. Luckily, I have learned how to do that. I looked in all the herbal remedy realms over these years, since I almost died at age 25. I learned how to repair damage. you can find your solutions too. I needed to look and I keep pace with my body needs from me, in this way.

Luckily, it is working. And each day, I am getting back a little more health. Seeing the level of appreciation this environment I built encourages, noticing the quality of transformation Ann brought for these girls with this seminar, this all makes it easily worth my time.

14 years to get myself ready to be able to play my part,m to do this all in one year, with these other participants. Nobosdy nees to know how big a walk that was! all I can say is , we each are either doing our part, or getting ready to do it, or getting ready to get out of the way, so others can get it done. You walk with it, if you can.....

For me, one of a series of many, many equal "art-works" and the only reason to use breath-energy. It has to convert this big. I insist on this from myself. My father did it, my mother did it, my brothers and sisters are doing it daily.... I am just one of those people. I watched my father do it his whole life, I watched him serving the forgotten. When I visted with Joan Baez, and her sister, I took note of their intentions and deep devotion to similar work. What Mimi said, before she passed on, was that she wasn't sure why she cared for the forgotten, or tried to build a better world, but she felt "blessed by the work".

When Your funding runs out , call me.

What folks who read this will never know, is what the process that surviving the path these years exacted from me, to be here today. What it took to live through my life till now... It's not regret, it's a place here for folks to salute, not pity. If you intend to live this big, for these kinds of potentials, get ready to learn patience. Big time patience. Get ready to ride big waves. Get ready to be taken wrong or mis-understood. Get ready to wipe-out... then get ready to get on the board again.

I just read a book about this big wave rider. He was a life-guard at a beach where he saved hundreds of lives. When the boat he was in capsized, he did not hesitate. He got his surf borad and started off to get help. 10 miles from shore, facing 40 mph winds. He dissappeared that night. but that was the kind of job meant for him. You never know if this will be your lsast ride.

What I get to share is the part of me that got purified enough to make a difference from this anonymous position. I get to write about it here, as if it is easy. It's gratifying, you get greatful... grateful for the work, but the work and the path are always arduous. Always. It's not a make believe reality where your taoists sayings can sum it all up. You might get caught between waves, and have the reality follow you that your actions were always questionable. So it goes.

I suggest that I intended to build these backgrounds so that these kinds of seminars and groupings/classes have a home to be all they can be. I gave many speeches about that, while I did it. But I don't expect you to believe it. The only thing I can do, with regard to your doubts about this intended journey, why it matters that folks keep on doing stuff like this, for me, for each other... my only reply to your doubting minds would be to take you to the garden I built last year, before I came here, to take you to the temple roof and see where I put the asphalt, to show you the videos that I filmed in the wind's roar, that helped people be protected from false evidence, to show you the seed ideas that became a huge info-mercial that changed people's lives from inside out. But once I get done showing you all that, and more... it will be nothing but lost time, and would certainly hamper every future step I may try to take.

If you are cut of the clothe to do this work, you must make it your focus beyond people's derision.

What you can do, for the common good, from heart to heart, is right where you now sit, stand/dance breathe. Your necessary brushstokes. Who you can uplift through a smile, better than you can?

These are still the jouneys that await us and there won't be a blog to validate the result. There won't be an award, no "real tv" camera, no surprise party.

You might get a mesage on your voicemail years later thanking you for your time, your sweat, your intention. You might get to hear a chuckle from a former friend who decided they'd drop their grudge to you and remind you of something you said that changed their view on life.... You definitely will have stuff like this show up in your future if you seek to be of use where you now stand. The more anonymous, the more profound the report and the further the years go by.... the more potentially lonely the journey before you hear it.

I can't help you with the memory of how that person thanking you might have left you hanging. I can't help you with the memory of the deep love you wish you could have kept safe and held dear at the expense of moving forward. Along with the duty and the smiles and the accolades years later, you always get to remember the part that leaves you feeling a need to sit down and breath for a few minutes, to catch your breath... All I can say is that the beauty hurts as much as the painful memories, if there are any. However, nothing compares with the inner peace of knowing you got to see your intention go full circle and become something beyond your own expectations. To see it like lights in other folks eyes, shared in your presence, will happen too....while you walk past towards your next goals... you do get to know you played a part. And in your secret heart, the angels dance.





When I saw my 14 years dream finally culminate, and when I realized it was beyond all expectations, I was also seeing my current friends; Mark Gordon, Rick Walker, Alicia, Sherry, Anne, Andrew, Joe, Raphaela, and on and on.... The whole web of interwoven life moments that also played a part in this process of the Aha! Center. I can tell you this; rarely do people get a chance to see how much they truly make a difference for others. When all is said and done, after all the art rots and all the moments forgotten, in stillness soul's lives touched each other are still dancing with those angels. What more could you ever want to create, than a step in this direction?

McBay waits. David McBay, waits in the courtroom, in the early morning pre-trial day in Redwood City. California. 4 years ago, on a ride down from Skylonda, I healed a fracture with Polly. I felt the angels all around us. As usual, to my path, I felt the opportunity to spread the grace from those healing moments around. If there were a need on my path, anyone in need, I would help them. these are the thouights that filled my overflowing heart while I rode down with Polly. She and I... so tender, so close.... one heart. ARRIVING to my artintolife studio in the Cal Ave district of Palo alto, I saw my friend "tree" Dave Mcbay. In trauma, nose in stitches, with a story about how the Menlo Police Department threw him down and split his nose open and threatened him. I saw a wave I could ride for my friend Tree Dave McBay. I'm a big wave rider, and I climbed on. I said"My day is yours, we are going to go through the story and I will film it like a lawyer would film it! I will film it objectively, and we will protect you Dave McBaY" . I was ready to keep Dave clear of the scars I still carry. what would happen, if I took what I learned with no protection, 14 tears ago... if I took my loss, still healing, and I used my insight to protect Dave? So, I filmed it... all the close-ups, the house where it happened, the pool of blood, the fresh story........Now, it's 4 years later. And Dave has gone to trial 3 times. This is/was the last time. Last week. I saw him stand with the stills from the film I made. I saw him stand for justice against the Police, who conveniently forgot the key details. And, I sat near the police, sensing that they knew me. That house had been demolished 3 weeks after the incident 4 years ago.Then my footage surfaced. Now, finally, something close to the truth got heard. Now, finally, while Dave Mcbay wept in court, his reputation was redeemed. Finally, the lie was revealed, finally the police got showcased.... We hope everyone learned something. How to treat a human... for starters, how not to judge a situation, when not to throw a citizen down. If you read this, and you want to read the dailies on it, then go to Palo AltoDailyNews.com I think you can read the whole 8 day trial updates. I ask myself several questions, since I lost a lot by trying to help keep Dave out of the hands of folks that make people hurt for the fun of it. IN theory, I now see more sides to the equation, I too have learned. No one heard my story. No one got to hear why I put my time in Dave's hands. Nobody got to understand that I learned first hand how a policeman's judgemnet call can ruin your safe haven and reputation over night. But everyone got to hear Dave's and that almost makes up for the damage done to me. I love the police. I respect their job and I have met some fine policemen and women over the years. 99% of my interactions with the police, they looked upon me with compassion and acceptance, and even the hardest versions agreed with me, that they would protect my rights, though they do not agree with my views.... I found honor with these Men and women, and in my own way, I have taken incredible risks to help them, on occasion. but, every so often, and individual shows up in a uniform who needs to rethink why they wanted that uniform. Before much time goes by, they might throw down a guy like Dave McBay, or a few. Somebody needing a break may get a hard hit from that rare crossing of paths with an over-stressed peace officer who only needed a 5 minute break, but didn't take it or something similar. In any case, I did my part to help all the honest police, I also filmed objective evidence that may have showcased the lie. I changed nothing. all I did was show up with an intention of helping someone. 4 years later, I feel a weight lift off of my back. The question I have for all artists and film-makers and songwirters and real life livers is this; "isn't this the real meaning of the art?Isn't this 22 minute film of Dave McBay, the day after he got brutalized as good as any oscar winning movie? Isn't this the reason to learn to draw, as much as any reason....? What if you developed your craft so fully that you could sell a thousand paintings/films/songs/whatever, but had never shifted a life with it like this?" ...... My conclusion about all my talents is that they all have to be geared for real life transformational moments. When folks take a walk through a forest, then come upon Andrew Goldsworthy's sculptures, they are shifted. The more obscure the setting, the more profoundly. he builds them to mimick what we see everyday.... from the time you find something like that, even in a photo album, you re-see nature.... if you forgot therandom odered profound beauty, he steers you back to the memory... as if fresh, as if new. ...... I do not just paint or write, or create. I live towards the moment... then I embrace it fully. The art is the moment embraced, the artwork is just proof it really happened. I cannot do it the other way around. I spent a day reminding a friend he was worth more on this planet than the animal way the cops treated him and ridiculed him. the film was what happened while I spent that time... and the truth it revelaed outlasted the lies. When Dave McBay broke down in court, it was becuase he got his dignity back by facing the folks who said he was worthless....He showed me strength I am satill building towards, in relation to similar injustice. We big wave riders salute each other riding the wave. I see respect in those officer's eyes now. I hope they live that from here on out, bigger than they ever dreamed. I am counting on them seeing me as human, if ever we meet late some night when they think I am an enemy. I will smile and welcome them, and won't refuse their requests for i.d. or toe tipping on a line in the sidewalk. I love the idea that they are better people for all of this. I hope they apoligize more readily next time. That's all Dave ever wanted... a simple, "sorry Mr. McBay... we thought you were a burglar, sorry"....and then dusting him off a little and helping him get medical attention in dignity. that's all that was needed. 4 years later, that's all that really happened. if you compress time... put all the steps together, the best parts like notes on a chart of music are the ones that play a melody like that. Could have ll happened inside an hour of dignified reality....so, we could have had it that very night, if they had just admitted they may have made a mistake. I salute anyone who understands that I fully hope all the people involved in this long equation have a wonderful peaceful happy family life on this planet. I wish no one any harm... policeman/men/woman/women, thank you for the times you risk your lives for others.... 

Life is for living. Blessed Be

A few years ago, I started a site called "the Reluctant Psychic.COM".

the idea was to serve and protect... by letting folks find me, by doing what I was feeling called to do, by comforting and helpiong heal... it's a lot bigger than I can say here. I have walked into places you woul dnot believe and lived to tell about it.

I was also trying to agree with my guardian angels that I deserved to live comfortably while doing this work. It's all up to me.... so I at least tried.

Even though i have pay pal ,and even though the site exists, as I have just found out, I have not recieved one dime (on purpose), nor contacted anyone through there. When I say I am reluctant, I mean it.

I am reluctant about the word psychic, because most psychics are fools. However, what some call shaman know me when we meet. They keep and eye on me from a distance, but I seldom speak to them.

I have mentors, this is a different story. They know me for my work, too. But the words psychic and shaman are seldom mentioned. The whole emphasis is on SERVICE. Non-inteference.... living a simple life. What beauty we still see. There is no difference between gardening or psychic or intercessory work But psychic realms, for me are hindrance. I have too much imagination. I can do the intuitional thing, but I pay for the holes I step in....I like the idea of developing pragmatic routes far better now. Those folks who talk about prediction and such.... I am glad they are having fun with that. For me, the percentage of error, or the incredible harm that mis-interpretation can cause, lead me to leave that stuff for other folks. I'd rather figure out how to live a moment true.

It's all the same as being a mechanic, an artist, an actor, a housewife... a whatever you want... and you can even hold a job while practicing. Just intend to see folks worth caring about around you, don't wait to decide if you need them or not. Just intend to honor the shared space.

IN order to know this is true, and that this is enough....you have to study the underlying cause and effects and thought force energetics of the moments around you and in your world. What keeps them in flow? why are they brick walls... what is this rage and fear all about.... was it the cofffeeeeeee????? You have to be able to train yourself to see the thoughts behind/beneath the actions, and the other thoughts. They are their. And it just so happens that if we keep tripping, it means something... but we often have to take our time as to WHAT it means. I shy away from snappy answers. I would rather shift the cycle. Whatever works. Be careful about the illusoin that you are getting anywhere.

That's why it's all far easier just to keep busy.... do the work, monitor the intention. Notice the waves, ride 'em.

I do not like nor can I condone to myself, being compensated for helping someone.... But I never refuse a donation. this may sound like a trick. It's not. Right now, I need food. I've got old tofu, still good in the fridge, I hae rice to cook, in the fridge, I have tofu dogs, in the fridge. These were all donated. I have 270 cents. 2.00 of which I realize is part of Rick's recent artwork. spendable painted coins.... He showed me the coins, he never said I could have any... he did say they probably were not spendable, due to the paint... in an off-hand way, he said, "Want some change?"... but I knew it was conversational, not a real offer. I have freinds at Starbuck's, they sometimes buy me a coffee. I grabbed 2 bucks in coins, not to steal, but to borrow... just incase I would be embrassed because I can't afford the coffee. these are insights, for you, to my morning.... this sunday reality. I walked out of my Art truck, went to Starbuck's, and Ritzo bought me a coffee. No hesitation, I didn't have to ask. I didn't expect it. I was happy to see my freind. He was happy to see me. The coffee, well, I just finished it 8 hours later, after reading an e-mail from a friend laced with fear and dread... all aimed at me..... so far , so good. See what I mean?

I see what these steps are, and how this walk feels. Simultaneous to all this, I am still monitoring my deeper intention. I am noticing if I feel attacked. I am questioning myself about the lessons we are all sharing. I am sensing this is a real wave to ride. I am riding it.

But, I admit. Being on these waves and owing them so well never prepares me for the very unique one coming ahead.

They are always new. Each and every moment is unlike any gone before. It's just, not so easy to see cause they are strung together.

Man....
I need to hear some really funny jokes. I need to play some really true and deep music right now. Minutes later, a fresh view. wow. balance on the board.


Back to my reluctant Psychic diatribe....
If you read this blog, see my photo and study it long enough to see/know what is in my heart. If you see something good about that, then we already met.

When it comes to my mostly anonymous work, my current way of relating to my path; I learn with each project, each new step, with each expansion and I always have a dozen or more projects/plays/artworks in process. Some know me for my work, others do not. Doesn't matter to me, I do the work as gracefully as I can in the way that I am shown. And I learn from it. But I do not force it or even bring it up with a lot of people. they aren't a project.... we get to share time... but benath it, I am still working. In form of thught, intention... knwing when I need to get the steps flowing again.... I know it is never a mistake to answer a call to serve, there have been a few lately. some request art lessons. Some request martial arts lessons.... others request arrangement ideas or harmony parts on cds. Others want to sit and talk. I take note of th erquests. I have 6 paintings on order. I think I have grown enough to paint 2 of them, so far... I finished one, and I am hoping to get ready to be able to paint the really big request. You folks might laugh if I told you what it was... actually two major paintings, I am still gearing up to get ready to be able to paint. One has taken 4 years, so far.
Here they are;
White Buffalo Calf Woman

A wiseman-healer, life size, healing.


Who out there understands that I am not yet ready to paint either of these... though I really need the money? Who thinks I will be able to charge for all the brushwork I do, if I ever do it?
Who thinks I am over-exagerating the size of these projects?

Well, check it out;
the person who requested White Buffalo Calf Woman, studies the medicine path. She is sincere. She does the work. She empowers with her presence, and she uplifts and encourages....

White Buffalo Calf Woman is the sacred presence who brought the pipe to the Native peoples on this continent. she shows up in the lore. She shows up in visions, of people on the path. This can't be the white guy toe Knee version of the image. This has to be me tapping into that archtype, that presence.... I was able to paint the presence of spiitual people up till now. but each one was my own journey reflected. Now, I am being asked to find a way to paint BUFFALO CALF WOMAN. And, I gotta tell you, I can't fake it. So, this means,m for me, to face this as a purification ritual. I see no way to be able to become ready, but soon BY THE DOING I will make it there. It's just that I need this running start. In this way, I fool people into thinking I am an artist. I am not an artist, really. the art is a by-product. I could teach anybody everything they need to practice in less than an hour. Practice it for a week, and you'll soon paint better than me.

but, it won't teach you how to find the right paintings to paint.

for me, when I paint houses, I am praying for the folks who live in the house. My intention is in the brush, it's in every drip of paint on my pants. they hire me to paint the house. I get paid for the house I painted, but the prayers are free. the intention is free. Being ready for the right intention behind the strokes... well that's a lot of grueling hard work. And you can still mess up, big time.

My chiropractor friend has a painting I did of Red Cloud. I traded him for treatments. when he treated me, I told him exactly how each move changed me... I felt I had to help him, using me as a practice tool... besides, I got fixed, too. And now, that painting on his wall greets everyone. folks feel welcomed into his place/office. He asked me for a healing presence for the treatment room. I can almost see it in my mind's eye. that took 4 years, as I have already said. I think I can almost paint that one. Meanwhile, the state of California claims I owe back taxes.... maybe I'll be painting that one in jail.... who knows.

It is almost always a mistake for me to think I personally will see the intended results of the "work" I do, or if the results are really my intention, or idea of expected outcome. Rarely are they anything I could have seen. the more flwoing the intent, the larger the expanded outcome and the less I see I actually had to do. Sometimes, I get to watch other folks step in before I even think about a thing close to the outcome. That's when I understand that we all participate in the flow of outcome... whether we claim it, no it, intend it or not. We are here. Oh well. Might as well just make it work. As good a reason as any.

I sometimes feel like I see a lot of sparkles, and sometimes I get really surprised how sweetly and smoothly a slight intention can lift a burden. And usually I feel my own lifted, as well. So, as usual, all love IS directed to the self. I guess this isn't selfless work, at all.


We all do this.

The only difference, with me, I guess, is that I have this silly idea that I intend to do it.

I have a certain skill. But the same exact skill is also easy to see as a handicap. I've learned to know how it's variety of reflection feels vibrationally bouncing back to me, and it's as if I am charting a route through a storm, so to speak. It could just as well be that I am blind.

But, it really doesn't matter. I am getting clarity about how to navigate with what reference points I have learned to see. And they match the same cues others always follow, if they are living real and true. We go towards our fruition. We try not to harm, we learn and grow wiser, we seek to lighten each others burdens... etc. etc. Same as any worthwhile path. So, it must be good.

I can't give specifics at this time, about how my current waves will finish out, once these rides are through. I can only say, I am never surprised.

The reason I am reluctant about this whole psychic thing, or the use of more percentages of the brain... is that I sometomes see that intention is not the only part that needs monitored. The basics of Timing and insistance are also far more necessary than any insight. Insight is easy. But you can destroy a person's life by showing them something they have never wanted to allow themselves to think. Insight has to be a personal choice. You ask your own questions.... you make your own choices. We all need to realize that we should ask questions when we are ready for the real answers. We have to be ready... so we should work up to the big questions.

My own standards include noticing the very quiver of a thought, especilly if it is tied to actions/ideas/intentions in my life, that seem to be or are cruel towards others. If you study yourself, and your fleeting thoughts, you can see beneath the why. You can fix it from their. But you have to be ready, have the time... learn patience and step by step, see/ask/know. The person inside us that lashes out senses the locked door/closet inside where freedom awaits.... and if we accomplish this, to a degree, we have far more to give.

I know I still have such work to do. Therefore, my "psychic service" role still is amintained n the "reluctant realm". so... I started this dot com service palce, the "Reluctant Psychic", and it still waits for me to allow it to bring in-flow. I am really concerned about guiding anyone in the wrong direction.

Just like physical healing, you have to gear yourself towards studying what brought that thought /idea forth, whatever it is, if it holds you back. Including the idea of being ready to be of service.

Meantime, I still have folks who show up , now and then, and in a brief conversation we shift what needs to be shifted. Usually something they already know. A little validation... a double check Q & A... and off they go.

No charge.


Shining something back towards a poerson could take 10 years to blossom as the beauty flower it was meant to be.

You can expect to see results. that's ego. I welcome the good reports. Got any?

Patience counts.

I love it when a "miracle" occurs right in front of me... but, I have been hearing back from some people who feel my use of that word in this blog is like a slap in their face. I am so sorry... really. for me , it's not such a big word. You are hungry, you need something tasty, you walk the dog around the block and a neighbor gives you the sweetest homegrown organic apples, and a few to take home. i call that a miracle. what else could it be? it includes all these folks, all happy and fresh, excellent-non-gnentically goofed with apples... Why, even the dog is happy! It's so much bigger than having an apple appear in your hand when you asked "I need something sweet to eat".

Here we have such an excellent example of how a thought, intent, widens through all these shared moemnts and folks are reluctant to call it miracle! and then right next to it, they would fall for a slight of hand trick ala David Blain, notice they were fooled, know it was a trick and say "that's magic, do it again"... which is the real miracle?

Is it, for example a real miracle when I paint a painting that somebody sends to someone that touches their hearts so deeply their whole office shuts down and they dance for tearful joy? well, I've done that... or did I? My real expereince was that I saw it coming like a wave,and I co-operated with it.... what's so special about this? don't we do it with our evry action intention... so, what is so special. I painted it from that level, seeing where it was going and it wnet all the way. man, I love it. I lopve hearing about those tears of joy.... I felt like I was a worthwhile human that week. I live for those. yeah

When I get to see something coming that is good and I am able to help a team of goodhearted people use their actions and thoughts wisely towards that goal, it's far better than a solo painting thorhg the hands of a dozen people... but then again, how culd it be... each result was a blessing... that's all I know.


I love that.

I need it often enough to help me as I nurture fparts of myself, and others from a distance, while other's remember me, in their own time... I also get to remember their true self, in my time.... mutual ... this is life... don't you think? we, all of us, on this wheel, in slowmo, until we see each other true....
................

Trying to play an intentional part... now that is an art and still floats as a gola in front of me... I may be able to get ready for it someday...

There is such an emphasis on quick fixes in our world these days, I cannot place myself in front of moving trains as much as I wish. Trying to serve often includes a shift that is as big as tryng to shift out of the way of a fast moving train. It isn't as much fun as it may sound.

sometimes you get to notice what comes with walking a few steps in someone else's shoes. Empathy... wow. Not for everybody.

I try o shield folks from carrying my burdens... but I still get all anxious if I see stuff I like to carry around. Once I pick it up... oooops. Not fair to let it go just anyway... feel s like a time bomb... who's was this anyway?.... Oh, I see, now it's mine....
oooops.

I have not always seen a result that the person can handle.

so, I take more care about picking up their burdens so fast.
....


If I have the time, I prefer to continue to test myself in minor first hand ways.

Yet, I've seen people heal and I have seen people grow in ways that is nothing short of a miracle. those stories are ready to be told.. but not for bragiing. For example, what you can also do... but be careful. It's not for everybody.

If there was a healing.

I didn't do that.

If anything , I may have told them it was waiting for them. and I helped them answer the knock at their own door.

Very satisfying.

I suppose I am not as reluctant as I said I was.

but then again.... who is ever ready for the big moments. I believe we all get to feel swept by the waves around us, just often enough to show us that we may have gotten more ready/or are maybe needing just a little more work yet.... Get ready to get grateful if you get more chances....

4 years ago, I drove down from the mountain and I saw a person in pain. I filmed the evidence around his trauma in an objective way. Within 2 weeks, the house I filmed where the incident occurred was demolished. The one bad policeman thought he was in the clear, but may have become (by now) a better policeman. He wasn't ready to face the evidence filmed. Yet, the tape surfaced. This thing has gone to trial 3 times, hung jury twice, and now I show up on the scene to face the liar. Yet, now, I no longer see a liar. I see a better man. I see honorable men. I know, now, why I lost so much stepping in front of that "train" for other humans. So, we all could learn. All I knew, back when I filmed that footage, was I was called by my vow to protect a person who had been traumatized. By now, the longstanding honest policeman must have helped the one who was lagging. I believed my friend, I filmed the truth. I did not shade anything. I did my best for all. but now, I see only the honest left. I thought I had figured it out. Dave Mcbay is telling the truth, a policeman lied. that was then, maybe. I wasn't there. But I see better people today. Was it worth all the things I felt I lost, to be the man to be there then , holding out for this future that became NOW? I have no grudge against police, and I don't want to know. but I think my life was helped to cliff's edge. Yet I did not fall. I needed those tests... whether they were deliverd by sneaky late night actions of masked men, or if they were my shadow selves. I still needed those true kinda tests... not the video game version, not the charade. We only learn true when it is real. I used tro say, about this footage filmed, "I am only here to expose the lie".

Now that it has all been judged, studied and ruled. I am in a whole new place.

I am only here "to expose the truth".

And that means, including me. That we are all worth the lessons we learn. that we are all worth the second chances... that we are all on the way to becoming equal and worthy of our life's blessings. My tests are equal to his tests.

he was/is no more a liar than I have also been.... at times....

we lie to ourselves every day we do less than we are able to do... especially for others.

They've all now seen me as I am, having weathered their mistaken siding with the liar. But that was then. I see us all aligning with the truth , now. And this is a far better vision, by far.

It was worth the 4 years.

It was worth the sacrifices.

I was glad to play a part.

Thank God. ....and this is acceptable, yes... this is honor.

I love the police. I know that kind of work, mine sometimes feels similar. I have been in equally dangerous places as they have, while doing my service... some of those steps still haunt me. Helping a person through a dark alley, to their home, yet you have to walk back... oh, oh.

I know it's hard for the police to match the numbers of times they are called to serve, with perfect action/results... how can /could we ever expect that from anyone?



I know they read this... but, they/we/all of us need to watch over our own. We need to calm each other down, if need be. I know I need calming down from time to time.

We need to endeavor to see more clearly each day and find new ways to be in balance, and then study how we could have done better. What else is there?

It is possible, and confessing is far more depth of relief than we can imagine while burdened.

I do not accuse.

I felt called to serve when I filmed what also supports the honest police, as well as the friend of mine that got threatened and cut up and mangled by the liar.

Yet life goes on, and a liar yesterday could be our best friend/saviour today...

Maybe I will have another chance someday to get back all the precious things that have been taken, over the years od trying to help folks faced with threats against them....

I still carry my old wounds, though they gradually are subsiding, caused (in part) by an over zealous individual in a police uniform.

Yet, I thank god today, for the honest police. They are the majority, and they have watched me, helped me, greeted me, and protected me... and they are proud of me, I think, for the work I try to do... simply because I am not siding against them.

We are all people.

They are sorry for believing the liar, and for doing what the liar said to do to hurt me or keep me from having a life worth living.... if they did that. I think some peculiar things happneed... but maybe I am wrong.

A lot of people are so convinced they knoew me, after hearing an opinion from someone who has never known me, that they just tend to stumble, until they meet me face to face and see that I am not that scary.

I filmed what I filmed to protect all the honest.

It's now history and time to move on.
Let's all be better from here on out.

this is what I said to the police involved in the case, where I shot tohe evidence objectively. "I hope we can all become better people". I said it honestly, no judgement.

Nobody else in the room, but me, and them, their lawyers, the other officer.

"I mean you no harm"

"I'm the guy who shot the video".

"I am hoping we all have happy fulfilled lives".

.....................

I just bet it took me these past 4 years to become the person who could say that, mean it and feel this good about all this....

reluctant... what, me reluctant?

well... I sure guess not so reluctant after all.



.........................................
If need be, I may now decide to be available through reluctantpsychic.com, cause I am not as reluctant anymore. So I will test this there, then I will rename it to what it really is, and I'll keep you posted.

I get to understand that these kinds of waves go with this kind of surfing.

Anything that interferes with me smoothly transitioning to a smoother life, has to be held in check. Studied, practiced, and reviewed.

........................................
It's different now.

I have practiced a wide range.

The people I served yesterday,
one after the other
were just like you and me...

and I was able to
validate myself in that service,
anonymous and fresh
fresh from the hole the bad guy thought
.....he had buried me in forever.

..... I dust myself off
and I put ole Roy's sunglasses on....

.........and then I sing
"Blessed Be,
Blessed Be,
there's more good
than I'll ever get to see,
blessed be, blessed be"