the part I played

14 years ago, I embarked on a journey. Last week, I completed that journey. Just one of many overlapping life into art, art into life journeys. But a big one, and in effect, a representation of the Willie Nelson aphorism "Be careful what you dream, cause pretty soon your dream may be dreaming you".... And to continue his first hand wink-wink-nudge-nudge inside joke/report, "in this case, it just so happens to be a good dream". So said Willie, as it appeared filmed on my local cable TV show.

So many times, also, in my own life .....I can also say, "thank god, in this case it was a good dream". This poster is a moment to a part I played in a life changing day for girls 14-18. I was/am so proud to have played a part in the day that already happened, fully successful for these girls making their future dreams come true.

The mentoring elder women with stories to tell of their many scenarios for life paths, and how to steer clear of dangers, how to become empowered, how to make good choices, how to develop internal self-confidence, and how to play a part in building a better world for us all. ..... I have been telling people for years that I come from a family of builders and community service doers. I have been joining in for years towards these types of big days...

Yes, I come from a very strong line of performance based humanitarians. Sure, if you talk to the rest of my family, you'll hear them describe their work as "the Lord's work".

Me, I studied a wide range of religions. I'll work alongside of any of the true participants of any path, no matter what the path is called. I'll build temples with the Buddhists, I'll fix the roof for the Islamic brothers, I'll volunteer for the adventure-fear facing seminar leaders, I'll spend 4 years working with/for the meditating yogis at 40 bucks a month doing video, another 10 years in the nearby town creating a town to match what we produced.... with so many friends found and held dear along the way, each new level of work also includes the hearts left behind.

You could never know how it feels to build on this level, unless you set out and try it personally. With each equation, a whole new family of dear freinds, each another community on the path, as I walk towards the next project.

I'll work with the Catholics, the Jews, the Christians, the rock and roll visionaries and with each group I am one of them, because all true practitioners are unified beneath the labels, heart to heart. Findable through quality of heart's results.

And through it all, I'll be doing my path of "art as a spiritual path". Not for recognition... most of the time semi-anonymous. Not for everybody. but yet, there are always folks to share th eprocess with.... me, I don't even have a donation box, I'm beyond non-profit, where most non-profits fizzle, I'm still working, or just starting. ....

Here I am at the Aha! center, and I feel fulfillment when I see Anne and her volunteers, Mark and others pitching in. It's the turn of a cycle I set out on 14 years ago... intentional ... but even before I had seen that part of my personal stake in seeing women empowered, wanting to help my first wife in a symbolic way, I had already put in 15 years towards a better world through devoted years in a meditation community. Trying to help solve the riddle of innovative education way back then... some sort of equation where creative flow has an equal part to play next to physical labor and the intellectual values.

My big story about all this, has always been this, and I pose it as a question; "If you can develop all the tools to build/create/serve/paint/invent/remodel, etc. wouldn't it make sense to then build something that instills or maintains towards instilling transformation?"

In other words, what kind of experience are you providing through what you build/create? Are you expanding the experience of others towards a new way to relate to their potential?

I've known artists, musicians etc, all the various practitioners of all the trades, I know they like to put down their brushes /tools down and go on vacations etc. I've heard about that version of practice. The whole job idea. Where you do something in the day, that pays you well enough to enjoy your nights and week-ends and vacations and retirement. You do something in the day that pays the bills, that you forget about and leave at the office when you clock out. I respect that. Can't do it... But I respect it.

My path, my process, my art, my energy it's all brushes & breath to me. I can't leave it for a second. It is woven into me. I see like an artist, whether I paint what I see or not, I see it all as if it's all being reflected as if in a painting experience. Life's interactions, the teams, the goals, the journeys... all of it, all necessar, all one, all the same thing.

Even on the days I lay myself down to store up more energy for the next project, I am still right in it. Square center on the path, Yeah, I like the idea of others being able to put their brushes down and relax away. My path is my heart beat. It's beautiful.... there will be no putting down of the tools.

Instead, when I assert myself through devoted action/intention, I seek to leave something with that action that is home to other people's dream potential. I love the idea that folks can walk into the Aha! center and remember who they are in relation to their potential. I watch for that from a distance. This is what I need to hear, see, .... to know that my work has encouraged this.

Once I had helped in all the various ways I could have helped on the Girl's economic power day, I stepped away. That was their day. I had permission to paint in my studio for that day, to be here. I checked. But I stepped away. It was their day. It was that sacred. My heart was so full, and I appreciated even the folks who forgot who I was around the center, recently. As usual, with this kind of work, many can't comprehend that a human would do it for these reasons, to build for others. Yeah... I owe rent. yeah, my life needs a lot of repair, I live in my art-truck... that can all be on hold. I don't need to finish a painting in here on a day when those folks are being fulfilled in their process of serving each other.... It was right for me to take some steps out into the clear blue sky.

None of that matters now.... I still have a sense of awe and peace, almost a week later. I know I saw my dream fulfilled.

Sometimes I wish I could rest my role for awhile. Sometimes I wish I could relax away from it... I tried to make my process a job, a long time ago. It only hurts me and others when I try to fit it into that box.

Anyone who knows me can search me out, and if they have a true need in the middle of the night, I will help them. I cannot refuse. Even when I walked out in the blue sky that day, whil e the women served each other here, my energy was in this place, wishing them well, hoping for a day they could treasure. Call it intiention or prayer.... whatever, I was away physically, but I was sending all I could with all the good I could of these kinds of intentions held for me by others.. so, it is part of my role to keep that space safe and celar and pristine for these friends here, each and every day. It's none of my business what guides them. I can only share our process, and my intent. all that matters is that we help make a space for the future potentials for others to blossom/expand. the rest is none of my concern.

That is my vow. That is me. I know no one who can /will be here today/tonight/tomorrow/this very second for me. That must be because, I am already being cared for by protector/creator. All I know is my work and my relationship to it. I sweep clear the path to that.


Right now, today. The solemn solo space I inhabit, well that is the price some say I pay when I am always working towrds long range goals. Others get to meet and socialize between the action. The few friends who really are deep in my life know that on these or those relaxed occasions, I am think-tanking with them the next new hurdle/challenge we can overcome. It's not a work-aholic thing. It's a reality thing. We have this time. If we work together, we can do miracle. Spend time with your close few and notice how energized you are after a job well done. that is the time that the hearts/minds of all are focused beyond limitations... test using that time to create your next fruition. You'll see.

... I intend, during thes/those times. I voice my intentions, I hold all the dear ones in big arms and call us to look at the new goals awaiting. When we say we can do it then, we soon do it and for me there is no surprise. I am used to this.
But relaxing on past success and getting drunk with it , that has always proved to be a disaster for me.... Let others have those moments. If I am invited, I won't douse their parade, I will be quietly dreaming for our next fruition.

I would like to encourage you to know that as the time to get ready and really live beyond your limits.

I have been used to hearing about this process others call relaxing, as being shielded by false self-reflections... that is the way it is for me.... resting on Accolades, slapping each other on the back. I can only stomach so much of it. but I would never refuse doing that AND dreaming towards the next goals.

I have seen the ego's nasty work on the psyche. There is nothing more dangerous. Be careful of friendships that rest on past successes, or where promises are lofted, in light of unwon goals. Don't let them interfere with what you can truly be in relation to others. don't let the clarity of that vision keep you from pitching in anyway.

Me, I need bigger reasons than friendship to pitch in. I need bigger reasons than money, or fame or credit. If I feel I have developed the talent to create what I envision, then I want to envision and create something that makes a day more beautiful for others, lightens their loads, re-inspires them beyond. If I have the chance to use my energy towards this, I get to see it multiplied, therefore. Because the process I completed really gets more fuller with each new person interacting with it. And I need to see that, or I won't make another step for awhile, I will wait until I see that next step in clarity of that goal. One step at a time, for the whole path awaits. ... no matter what it is, we'll know the part we played.

These kinds of systems are well within each of our hands.
A simple equation is this very next week. I haven't anyone to give a valentine to. I am not sure I believe in it. But I know others do. If I have the chance to connect hearts, through conversation, a hug or some sort of impulse, then I will respond to those opportunities on the path that arises before me. I've reached that point in my life where I enjoy seeing others gain what I still struggle to recieve. I am honest enough to admit that I am stil gettin ready in so many ways.

Meantime, I definitely enjoy seeing folks mended, renewed or expanded.

Yeah, I have folks that I need to do that with, right here, right now. And I know I need to walk my heart/talk. I always invite folks to study my action, but study it all. Notice I always work my way back to the place where those kinds of solutions work themselves out on their own. With full dignity for all. This requires being internally ready. Doing your part ahead of those moments. You can diffuse it all inside. Once diffused, I never hesitate to share that new level. Other folks call this forgiving and forgetting. to me those words describe a level of force unnecessary. Folks say that coming together and saying the right words in order proves process works. I say, leave your idea of what it should be, and live your idea of what it can be... notice how that showcases all the rooms inside your own nhouse you still need to clean. Walk with that a few steps, and you can easily see empathatically through another's eyes.

What if you could do it all, in the right timing, and not even have to try... just because you did it from inside out, by living true? I refuse rules that do not include the innner component.

I have seen that folks take years to change in very, very small ways. Anyone who expects to say words, and leave the action performance shift-change out of the equation is talking/doing nothing. Performance/action shows intention everytime.

We can't force people to express peace unless they can find it inside. That's as easy/hard for me as the next guy. Just so happens, I have my life vows set on not walking away for that equation, I must honor it... it must turn out for the better for all. there can be no enemies. Others may get to put it down like a brush or a tool or a job....but the brush is my energy and breath. There is not dropping the task at hand.

I insist on performance based results from myself only. I insist that I see the best intentions reflected back from everything I do. I study that reflection. I always will. That is the way I get to know about how well I am doing. where I need to improve. I don't wish this on anybody. I can't expect anyone else, for example to hold a goal for 14 years like I did until last week. I needed to see those girls arrive at the Aha! center, under the tutelage of Anne and her crew and Mark and others... I needed to see that it all matched my best intentions evocted through murals painted...

What I held in my heart, was the pure knowledge that many of those girls were the same age as my first wife wa, when some of her future was abruptly shifted becasue of what she faced in her life.

I held my intention, to have an influence on protecting girls of that age, even if from a distance. that was my secret prayer all these years, to help play a part. those intentions went into every action inside this place. I hold those intentions, still, now, not just for young girls but on behalf of anyone who seeks their fuller potential and a life of truth, freedom, beauty and fulfillment. For me, it is not an arbitrary intention. It is one formed having seen first hand how the wound looks that my former wife carried.

Here, at aha! I needed to see that I played a part, long distance, anonymous, but played apart in their/anyone's better future. That is how I honored the love I still have for my first wife. That is how I prove that I heard her pain when I got close to that life wound she may still carry. That is how I measure what I learned about those kinds of wounds. A day of beauty, a day of peace, a day of empowerment for young girls. Seeing it in the hands of expanded hearts, who were all dedicated to protect if for them, make it so for them... this was a joy unimagined. and a huge day for me.

Think about it.

To be there/here in person, this was my joy.... I needed no award or medal. I could go out into the day of sun and feel peace. Peace for the part I played.

I have no reason to paint, sell, write, sing, if it doesn't transform towards becoming this. I have heard the stories. Folks have come up to me and said they were visted by the person in one of my paintings. I have heard those stories. I have heard the stories of people's reflections about the paintings here today. I need to hear these stories, or there will be no more paintings. I need to see the faces of folks light up to the music and dancing in joy. I need to hear their drum and their hearts beating. Or there will be no more of my music offered.

Listen, it's not that difficult! Yes, it takes years to develop, but you can see it right now, whereever you are...you can loft it... and intention , a smile, a beautiful color. You can find the board with the nail in it, and turn it over. No more injuries there! You can turn araound and pick the junk up out of the highway... be careful, or call and have someone do it. Save a life long distance.

Last week, I was in a hurry. I was on my ride back here. I saw a sign pole that had been dislodged over night. It was leaning into the bike path at the exact level of a person's head. I stopped, slowed down. walked to that pole and reset it. Nobody needs to get knocked unconscious there!

Yes we each have our own way/style part to offer. .... So, who among us isn't going to go through those/these years anyway?

I decided I wanted to make art that reached the place where people get re-invigorated. I wanted to repair and remodel this place, to paint it in such a way that hearts could expand in here. I saw the girls enjoying that. I saw what I needed to see to know it was worth the risks posed to my health (fumes, etc.).

To see them introduced to their potential by older women who know the wellspring of their inner core. What a beautiful sight to see. I feel blessed.

If I wanted to encourage, and I still do. If wanted to bear witness to beauty, to showcase it for folks to feel inspired, to add spring to their step.... I guess you can understand I felt like I had the grace to see the part I played.

To move them towards their best day yet, that was what the speakers, the volunteers did... I was way back here, making a place for folks to dream of doing it here....for some it was this, a vision like mine of that day....for others, it was more up-close. I am sure there were parties to celebrate somewhere. Mine was in my heart, watching th epart I played.

To know that folks you will never meet in person have a memory that was built by the efforts of a large group of people, nurtured, expanded and that you dreamed for that too... it's a badge in itself.

To know it was a distinct empowering moment... that it was perhaps a life treasure for many. I can tell you this, IT IS for me.
wow.

I'll tell you this! The only reason I can name it, that I can seek it, and that I can work towards it over and over and over again, is simply because many of the folks I have known have done the same for me, growing up, over all these years.... and still do now!

It's happened for me! I have been inspired by others! I have witnessed the actions, the intersessions os folks, seen the movies that changed my world, that matched my dream, that helped me further down the road. that kept my intentions/my hope alive!

The actions anonymous by others on behalf of the best part of what we all need in this world... they are all around us. the very best are almost like whispers. somebody moved harm out of our way. I see it daily here, in Shallow Alto a.k.a. Palo Alto, where so many pretend they are still wealthy, though they lost a fortune in the tech stocks...

That teaches me, noticing they are doing beyond their past, re-creating something better for all of us... and i do not suggest I see much, just enough to encourage me in in my process.

You folks, who let me walk forward on your efforts, you taught me! And I have researched that strange mystery of what fuels others who are trying to build, rather than rip and tear. I have heard their reports. They march to a similar drum. .......

So, I stepped "down this street" a year and a month ago. This building was empty. The lease hadn't been signed. I looked in the window. I said, out loud, as if in a prayer, that "I can build something for the people in here" . A year later, and it has come to pass. But it took 14 years to practice and get ready.

Last week, I saw 250 beautiful young girls mentored by older women, into a newer, safer, more transformational way of living. I helped the process,from a distance, in whatever way I could. I loaned my amplifiers, I set up the lights, I consulted with the videographer, helped her plan for a better filming. I helped get the center room set-up, I moved all my paintings off the walls.... I loved the fact that everyone appreciated whatever I did, and I loved the fact that I got to hear the first speaker tell the girls how she had redeemed her life from "cliff's edge". Once I heard that opening, and the day was underway, I made a graceful exit. My job was done, at least, to this small plateau... but there is so much more work to do!

That day. I had other work else where. I did my otherwork elsewhere.

Beneath all these great feelings of being able to play a part, I have the knowledge that I did well painting the murals, the floors, repairing the floor radon leaks, setting the tiles, and taking on all the fumes related with all those projects this whole past year.... Each day, I get a little healthier, as I release another layer of the toxins I let myself breathe in.... With my snake bite diminished liver, I knew full well I could have killed myself while working on these floors. for me, it was a worthwhile risk. I did all that overnite, I cleared the fumes with fans before other folks came the next day... it was a dark, solemn, solo, lonely journey.... so what, ? small price to pay. Even if I had died as a result of the fumes, it would have been, still is a small price to pay.

I am still re-leasing toxins. Luckily, I have learned how to do that. I looked in all the herbal remedy realms over these years, since I almost died at age 25. I learned how to repair damage. you can find your solutions too. I needed to look and I keep pace with my body needs from me, in this way.

Luckily, it is working. And each day, I am getting back a little more health. Seeing the level of appreciation this environment I built encourages, noticing the quality of transformation Ann brought for these girls with this seminar, this all makes it easily worth my time.

14 years to get myself ready to be able to play my part,m to do this all in one year, with these other participants. Nobosdy nees to know how big a walk that was! all I can say is , we each are either doing our part, or getting ready to do it, or getting ready to get out of the way, so others can get it done. You walk with it, if you can.....

For me, one of a series of many, many equal "art-works" and the only reason to use breath-energy. It has to convert this big. I insist on this from myself. My father did it, my mother did it, my brothers and sisters are doing it daily.... I am just one of those people. I watched my father do it his whole life, I watched him serving the forgotten. When I visted with Joan Baez, and her sister, I took note of their intentions and deep devotion to similar work. What Mimi said, before she passed on, was that she wasn't sure why she cared for the forgotten, or tried to build a better world, but she felt "blessed by the work".

When Your funding runs out , call me.

What folks who read this will never know, is what the process that surviving the path these years exacted from me, to be here today. What it took to live through my life till now... It's not regret, it's a place here for folks to salute, not pity. If you intend to live this big, for these kinds of potentials, get ready to learn patience. Big time patience. Get ready to ride big waves. Get ready to be taken wrong or mis-understood. Get ready to wipe-out... then get ready to get on the board again.

I just read a book about this big wave rider. He was a life-guard at a beach where he saved hundreds of lives. When the boat he was in capsized, he did not hesitate. He got his surf borad and started off to get help. 10 miles from shore, facing 40 mph winds. He dissappeared that night. but that was the kind of job meant for him. You never know if this will be your lsast ride.

What I get to share is the part of me that got purified enough to make a difference from this anonymous position. I get to write about it here, as if it is easy. It's gratifying, you get greatful... grateful for the work, but the work and the path are always arduous. Always. It's not a make believe reality where your taoists sayings can sum it all up. You might get caught between waves, and have the reality follow you that your actions were always questionable. So it goes.

I suggest that I intended to build these backgrounds so that these kinds of seminars and groupings/classes have a home to be all they can be. I gave many speeches about that, while I did it. But I don't expect you to believe it. The only thing I can do, with regard to your doubts about this intended journey, why it matters that folks keep on doing stuff like this, for me, for each other... my only reply to your doubting minds would be to take you to the garden I built last year, before I came here, to take you to the temple roof and see where I put the asphalt, to show you the videos that I filmed in the wind's roar, that helped people be protected from false evidence, to show you the seed ideas that became a huge info-mercial that changed people's lives from inside out. But once I get done showing you all that, and more... it will be nothing but lost time, and would certainly hamper every future step I may try to take.

If you are cut of the clothe to do this work, you must make it your focus beyond people's derision.

What you can do, for the common good, from heart to heart, is right where you now sit, stand/dance breathe. Your necessary brushstokes. Who you can uplift through a smile, better than you can?

These are still the jouneys that await us and there won't be a blog to validate the result. There won't be an award, no "real tv" camera, no surprise party.

You might get a mesage on your voicemail years later thanking you for your time, your sweat, your intention. You might get to hear a chuckle from a former friend who decided they'd drop their grudge to you and remind you of something you said that changed their view on life.... You definitely will have stuff like this show up in your future if you seek to be of use where you now stand. The more anonymous, the more profound the report and the further the years go by.... the more potentially lonely the journey before you hear it.

I can't help you with the memory of how that person thanking you might have left you hanging. I can't help you with the memory of the deep love you wish you could have kept safe and held dear at the expense of moving forward. Along with the duty and the smiles and the accolades years later, you always get to remember the part that leaves you feeling a need to sit down and breath for a few minutes, to catch your breath... All I can say is that the beauty hurts as much as the painful memories, if there are any. However, nothing compares with the inner peace of knowing you got to see your intention go full circle and become something beyond your own expectations. To see it like lights in other folks eyes, shared in your presence, will happen too....while you walk past towards your next goals... you do get to know you played a part. And in your secret heart, the angels dance.





When I saw my 14 years dream finally culminate, and when I realized it was beyond all expectations, I was also seeing my current friends; Mark Gordon, Rick Walker, Alicia, Sherry, Anne, Andrew, Joe, Raphaela, and on and on.... The whole web of interwoven life moments that also played a part in this process of the Aha! Center. I can tell you this; rarely do people get a chance to see how much they truly make a difference for others. When all is said and done, after all the art rots and all the moments forgotten, in stillness soul's lives touched each other are still dancing with those angels. What more could you ever want to create, than a step in this direction?