Hard to take a Break!

About 3 hours ago I finally cooked myself a meal.
The supplements kicked in... Einstein's Favorite, Cordeceps Mushrooms, Multi-Minerals, Milkweed Thistle, Colostrum, ...and the Green Tea....

I guess I was thinking clearer and calming down... Realizing that the earlier coffee and cigar with prayers were just not enough to power through this day.

I've been uneasy ever since I herd this news about one of my kids.
somehow I always knew there'd be days...weeks...years like these... you can't get around it...if you have kids...

some old friends, I know what they're thinking, ...they think that by leaving I was trying to get away from caring or having this reality hit my heart... but the opposite has always been true.... The people I am separate from by space and time are ten thousand miles closer and in my blood...inside me... beating my heart...it's the exact opposite of what most people would expect.... but none of it surprises me.

I get fired forward like out of a cannon by days like these.

I have to figure out a way to rise above and beyond all my expectations for this art into life journey...I have to start showing up and releasing a few more paintings than ever before wherever I go.

But I never expect anyone who hasn't walked steps like these to understand...and it just so happens that most fathers do not survive it.

At least that's what I have found.

In theory I got tools along the steps of this journey, so I have...which means it hurts, hurts hurts....

And the first thing I forget is keeping up the nutrition...because the reality is always that when you are going through the heavy stressful times, you use a thousand times more of whatever fuels you... and once the reserves are gone, you lose your memory of how you got so lost.

I think I amsupposed to be thanking mylucky stars that I have had a lifetime of training about when to wake up and walk to the fridge and gather the food that the best cells need, before they die off forever... and again...i just barely made it.

I can say for sure I did...becasue it's like that scene in the Jerry Lewis Movie...Nutty professor... not the one with Eddie Murphy, but the original.. and I am calm, after the worst phases ahve transpired... I can almost say I am back into focus.

The kicker was fixing the first and only meal for the day.

I did a great job... it hit all the bases... made sure the supplements I took would get delivered and infused efficiently... I cna tell it all worked becasue I am calmer now.

I even just finished playing 5 versions of myown songs and a few covers adn my voice hit al lthe notes...there was sweetness....
That fed the spirit.


Yeah...I must have made it... to notice I survived adn to be able to savor it in that way...to have the vision of carrying those to future stages, andnot to be in the dream of the past ones... but seeing the future stages on the horizen...and then I realized...I can actually book a music festival...maybe...if I word the e-mail right.

But the break I found myself taking was 2 hours or so ago...while I was in "theory" taking a rest....

but I knew I was actually being trained and studying ...while watching that film... studying the experiences I'll probably have to breathe myself through if one of my scripts gets to the screen, or gets chosen for a read on a stage somewhere, or re-made into even an internet tv series, something I know I could do myself..but this time I think I would rather take a back seat...... Understanding the "illusions inside the illusions" that make me think or consider that any kind of artistic journey is anything more than just a job... something I should be grateful if I have a chance to continue doing on some level.

I got confused more than once recently by counting on someone I had just met. In each case they were singing my praises and I didn't know what pat to agree with or to... Hence, the incredible journey inside a let-down when they ignored me or backtracked with a smile... and I got to understand I must have not been really ready for any of it... even if I knew it would have been all the package I'd need to create a foundation here and secure a wave to ride for 6 months, right out of this economic storm...the bottom fell out from under me...and I noticed that I was hearing th flip-side of the illusion stories that shoook me to the core...but none shook me as much as realizing I had given over THAT much trust.... or realizing that I was now the item being used for "gossip fodder" in other people's cannons ....

does it matter that any of it mattered at all.... today?

I really can't say.

Some part of me wants a person to search me out and find me and deliver the next big hug or gushy worded complement...but I'm not holding my breath.

I got to step back and see how ready I was thinking I was to be a star in this small pond...and I was already counting the days towards using this wave towards a series of waves to ride smooth to a newer future above the journeys of clouds and rain... but... reality... which one ws it? What was I thinking? have I really gotten to be that jaded... was I always such a sucker? ...who's side was I on...ANYWAY? ...did I remember to gather all my belongings before I was kicked out of those symbolic rooms?

By gosh , oh golly...I am sure amazed at the secrets people can keep!


Kinda makes me laughthat I got sucked in and spit out and ws even dried by the wind nd able to dust myself off.

but look at all that/those blank space it appears I left, even right here...in this blogsphere!

Yet...here's the secret...

The part you may not have guessed...

i actually wrote well over 200 blogs in other places since I left this room and returned today...yeah..i sure did!


And... woweeeee wow wow..... here I am standing in here again?>


I sorta knew it might happen when I got contacted by a person off in an RV in a park somewhere not too far from here... i sorta sawthe "signs" that I might be trying out blogger again and seeing if any of the bells and whistles were easier or had changed in any way... so...yeah...I'm gonna add a photo now.

And here was what I was thinking, for this whole day...while I negotiated and chased a few dreams flying around me on an empty stomach...here's what I was thinking....

How hard it was/is to take a break...

how can a person do it?

is it like "taking a leak"...I mean.... really?

Ever tryin actually "taking one" ?

It makes no sense... hard to figure out where to start...I think a person can't actually take a piss or a leak...they have to let it happen...and when they say they "give a sh*t" about something, I think they got that wrong too... it's gotta be something else..who would want to compliment a person or an ideal by giving a sh*t?

And when you "take a sh*t"? what's that?

Are you actually donating one to somewhere?

really?

So.

how about this take\ing a break concept...how does a person take a break...aren't they supposed to "get a break"... such as "give me a break!"..... except they shouldn't have to plan it or demand it..but folks should knock at each of our doors periodically and say, we re here to help you understand you "deserve a break today".... and "we re here to deliver one!"..... then , maybe they balance your checkbook... give you a ride on their learjet..... send you a bouquet of flowers and make sure they match your desire... stuff like that...and then clean your house or your world...maybe settle a few wars in your favor... grease your wheels..tow your car.... test to see if your armpits are smelly..wash them for you if they aren't..maybe let you feel the slick parts of something you miss.... set up your channel changer... sweep your kitchen...

then..as they are leaving maybe they all do a song called soemthing like "we came to help you see you deserve a break, then we gave you one...and we're not broke!... al lbecasue we give a sh*t!...hurraye!!!"


And then you doze off and find a big oversized Ed McMahon check inyour mailbox the next morning...