Freedom Tries!

I gotta tell you, none of the things you believed you deserved probably ever mattered unless you expressed them by giving them away!

don't believe any of this...or do...it' s up to you.

but where did you (or I, or anyone) get the idea that we deserved "freedom" just by showing up?

or love...or mercy or patience or whatever...trust...honor.... anything...

check it out.

those are not nouns... they are all verbs.

they mean nothing, can't be found... unless you express them.

How can love be real unless you give some?

What good is faith if it's there when you say you need it? Isn't faith something that appears when you can't find it and you start praying like crazy for just a little.... when you lose all hope, isn't that when you find out what hope or faith actually is?

I ate all my ice cream...because it tasted great, and I wanted to...by doing so , I show myself how much money I can actually handle... you see, I got these vows that say I won't be buying and eating ice cream like that everyday...so I have less money than ever, if I eat it like this!...So, why do I say I deserve more ice cream, deserve to do that, just because I CAN? Where's the choice in that, except in the vows that suggest "never bring me any more of anything if it's going to do harm to myself or others by having it"... what a motivating thing towards developing " a true self discipline/a rationing reality where I can actually deserve to be able to buy ice cream , as much as I want, but won't do so because it's not such a good thing as a moment to moment reality? " ...but...check it out... if that's a reality for me, why do I have to judge the fat pigs who can't say no to themselves on any level...what they think, what they eat, how they live, whre they judge, what they expect FRO FREE... I say I am close to getting a handle on knowing how much ice cream I should eat a t a setting, but I can't make the choice, even about how I view those decisions in ANYBODY's HANDS HEARTS MINDS... so... that's actually what I study while I eat 3 plates of icecream until there is none left to consider NNOT to eat...I study those gymnastics mental, and understand I gotta see this process as more than a way to whip myself or others... But let's not get confused! It's not, by any means, FREEDOM.... Freedom...well...that's a whole different realm thatn this!

In my case... it's not a really safe healthy thing at all, for me to eat all this ice cream right now...! but, it sure is tasting great...and reminding me about food...and reminding me about what it might be like to be able to afford a decent pizza again someday...or maybe actually build that studio of my dreams from pop cans and recycled wood down the streeet from your mansion! Yeah...the Ice Cream is actually an incredible metaphor for getting my boradband finally working...maybe going out on a date again some day... enjoying the caress of a woamn maybe or jsut the last remnants of nature before it gets drilled to kingdom come for the greedy!

Ice Cream...Ice Cream...Ice Cream.... Money, Money Money...Beauty Beauty Beauty...food foood food.

So..i study this "high horse", where I think I know anything about freedom or anything at all, much less about ice cream and when or when not to eat it...

And I study all that while I savor the taste..and NO, I do not need it today...so I say...as I edit this blog a day later...I don't crave any, I haven't the least desire of scraping together the change that's near by and going right down the street for the World's Best Ice Cream made in 2 gallon batches and only findable whre I live!

But, while I have none... and little money I know full well this isn't courage or freedom or anything close to wealth...it's a sort of cowardly choice...check it out!... what kind of test is this, if I can't afford any today? The real test is having all the cash in the world for the world's best ice cream and a lear jet waiting to fly me anywhere I want to try some around the world...then putting someone else on that plane instead...and drinking wheat grass in a corner of my own kitchen because THAT"S WHAT IS ACTUALLY THE BEST MOVE OF MY DAY, on a day like this when I am shaking with worry for someone/many I love who are not near me right now...

but ...how can I say I love them or anyone if I can't stomach seeing them suffer right next to me?

See what I mean?

What's so great about wearing a Sanyasi robe and supposedly "serving" in your own way, if you shelved everything you desired to a distance too far to reach ANY of it on impulse???

Call that Freedome or service?

I call it a disaster.

IF WHENEVER I DO want to sit down and enjoy the world's greatest Ice cream, I suggest I EARNED it, DESERVE it WILL FULLY ENJOY EVERY BITE OF IT...then, why don't I prove it...why don't I just buy a pint... let it sit in the fridge , then offer it to share with a friend on a day that's special, loike... say, a day when I get surprised by a visit from someone who actually wants to visit with me!... that's a little closer to weaning myself of this idea that I have any self- discipline at all.... ! Or love to share... when it' sme naked by myself wiht no cash...what in the world is that? It's certainly not freedom, joy or love...

Let's say you get that special pint, you know it's great, but you refuse to touch it...you keep it in the freezer... A day comes when someone drops by, flies in, or rolls through and you say to them..."Jeez, I sure wish I knew you were coming, I'd a baked a cake....!" and then you remember you got that world's greatest ice cream tucked away in the fridge, and it's the very best and still fresh...and you say, how about some ice cream? Think that's a good idea? do yah? Yeah it is...and it hits both targets... Might be an expression close to bonding with a friend... takes the mystery out of lonelines when you get to savor great ice cream and see a smile on somebody's face at the very same time!

I know a millionaire, he walks around town and time and space in a disguise. He is nursing his identity on a chain, and I judge him...notice?! But here's the reason; He feeds the poor! woweewowowow, don't you think I am disturbed by this idea of judging him in any way?

I sure am... but I can't go blind, and here's what I see him doing; He set up these walls whereby no-one feels able to or capable of letting him know they know he is super wealthy in his disguise... He sense that people know, and he walks around in the disguise and feels thrilled for the background talk about the"good he does" feeding the poor everyday. what does he feed them? Food I would die eating if I ate it everyday... for certain... but does that matter?

good question.

But I can't go blind...I just can't I see that "know it all look on his face"..I watched him walk away from me 3 times when I was practically begging him to listen to me, while I tried to find a way to ask him to help me find a way to travel and see my son... He went conveniently "stupid"... ran like hell, pretended he couldn't see I was suffering...and I, even today, still feeling the desire to lecture him about the premise he can help anyone from the pedestal he carries wherever he goes?

Why?

I heard hm say , once...(proudly, in front of me) "I fed 30 homeless people today!"

Wow.

...did he understand he was dangling a carrot in front of me? My stomach was empty right then, I would have eaten garbage too... he asked me if I was going to be around the following monday...I said "Yes"...

he said,

"I'll see you then"

....But he wouldn't let me ask him for what I needed, what could have calmed me down..the breakthrough that could have launched me right inside my life forward past the suffering I was mired in, right in front of him, like a mirror, right then. And he thought I didn't notice how fast he ran from me in every way?

I went back there the following Monday.

He never showed up.

so it goes.

the last time I saw him, my son had found a miracle way to drive into town...

I saw the millionaire slithering, slding by on the sidewalk, as usual, trying not to be recognised... I said "Hey M****," and he almost ran from me,..again...then I said.."Meet my son"...

Then I introduced him, with full and complete positive respect to my son ...and I said in front of the millionaire, the highest truth that was sweetest...not to feed his ego, but because I wanted to showcase a person who was trying to use his wealth in a good way, I tried my best to remove my disappointments and honor another person's attempt to walk with integrity on their path...beleive the sweetest side of intent inside the sweetest things I could see on that day of miracle... I said "this guy will always ask you if you need another sandwich, or a beer...or how you're doing...that's what he is good at, serving others!"

And..yeah...I certainly meant it.

Except, it was like eating that ice cream the other day...

I was noticing that i can't be completely blind at will, I could see those choices laid out in front of me, of how to perceive a thin in goodness, about where to lift through speaking about it, about not wanting to ignore a lesson either..all at once attempting to be spontaneous and innocent with integrity..all at once... and not blind...

I was realizing that a whole other part of me wanted to say that "this guy likes to pretend he gets to choose who eats and who starves..and calls it doing GOOD WORK, but I never hear him talking about the joy of serving God! I think he just wants to die believing he earned his money in a good way, by pretending to do GOOD WORKS...being blind in his own mirror, but it sure looks like he's trying to outrun a memory or a regret, or the mirror of life itself, while saying he is serving God's Will".

Keep your opinions to yourself.

I see these people who can't say no to their hand with a shovel full of greasy food....they take up the whole sidewalk, they hurt their feet walking, their whole car sags and scrapes the road driving by.

Ouch.

Why in the world does ANY of it matter to me?

REALITY...I think I got a lopsided brain.

Then again... Yogananda said that "when you do the practice, you can't help the fact that your vision opens up...it's not about judging others, but learning from the choices others might make, blessing AND SEEING Their INNER divinity anyway, and praying that you do not fall prey to similar delusions...learn from what you see"

You ever preach to others about forgiveness? How can you say they have none if you can't see them in the light of clarity and truth beyond their shackles?


Whipping other people to "forgive, forgive, forgive... get up, get up , get up"...is pretty goofy when you understand THAT IF you saw the part inside them that is "already forgiven", they would re-find that more easily...

YOU might actually be helpful for a change!

I sometimes think it's all about what we bless and what we course with our thought... thoughts always are more powerful than action or speech...what you thinking right now????

You ever been able to find "peace" unless you shared it?

Who's idea was it to convince us we "have freedom"...

Ever use any of it in a non-harmful way?

Why are you so anxious to preach that we all have any?

Or that it even exists at all, if we haven't discovered a way for being atribute to any of it in our own lives?

Freedom, I am starting to think is just like the ice cream... you get better at using it if you eat less... savor it to share in a good way ...where the actual goals are something beyond being free...like maybe a completely different level of quality of life...worth sharing or savoring... a reason to try in the first place...something folks could say is a great reason to have choice at all!



Want a project to practice right now? How about finding one of these so called virtues and seeing if you can bring it to life in a moment right where you are!? Ever want to enjoy any of it...give any away, or share any...today?

I spent some time homelss...I was evicted 6 years ago... I had dear old friends run like hell or tell me I should think of it as being a camping trip...but I discovered some things I already knew...for example...if you give a person a chance, and really, really mean it while tuning to the part of htem that deserves that chnce, you cna change yourself, the world and them all at once... all anyone really needs is to believe in the part that few can see..the part worth believing in..that will always be free, and enver shackled...but..the same part seems so far, far away when you percieve them as diseased, or bound, or to be pitied...what in the heck are you reflecing in your world?

Good question... and the same one I wake up inside of every day.

If you get easily confused about who you really are, then you can easily be led from here to there by the greedy profit taking bastards (mostly empty headed cowardly men) that fuel the plastic Disneyland coke-laced version of life where there is only a facade...never true freedom or love and always another pound to gain, another pharmaceutical to dose your memory of anything more, another higher price to pay that builds them another home theater to watch you from a distance in a fantasy movie about what a life "well lived" supposedly is...

you can say that again!


Aren't we ALL sort of expected to believe we have freedom, and supposed to be grateful that we have it, but completely unable to use ANY of it wisely, if ever we do..... How many times you stepped away from a war you could create with your free speech gossip, in your own office, town or neighborhood???... ever said "no" to your shadow self and bit your tongue rather than take a pot shot to knock another person down????... Never call that free speech... How could it be..."free"...there's big prices everyone pays for every part of it!

The freedom not to talk a person DOWN, and rather to talk a person UP...

A decision not to speak unkindly is free speech TOO, you know...if you can find a way to be honest and learn from waht you see...and maybe be helpful towards solving that pain... if it really is anything more than your judgement.

Maybe, until then...if you or I are confused, the "free-est speech of all" is a vow of silence...how many wars did you prevent today, through a shift in choice? Know of any? Ever try?

"Freedom just another word, for nothing left to lose"

I sometimes thing we need to lose our "freedoms", just to practice the possibility that we never really deserved any, or ever really had any, and thereby to enjoy the possibiility inside the potential that we could earn the power to try some out....if we so choose...and by the way, what would it look like? ..."in the civilized world?"...to show we can honor what freedom is, by using as little as possible unnecessarily.... and aren't we always rewarded with peace if we express it to others, like a spice, here and there, in a quiet sort of way... instead of war?

About 15 years into walking the path, I realized that there's actually nothing like "choice" if you find surrender....

And that's a scary thing to consider ...that right when you feeel so sure you have some power, and you can get or have things "your way', the first thing you realize, is that there's little of anything you actually really would want to "have"... unless you could give it away... what good is it gathering dust in a corner or rotting in a bank...I mean...really....

if you ever got anything you said you deserved, delivered to you "your way" is it anywhere near what an experience is like if you get surprised by someone delivering it or something else to you "their way"?

What you really wanted was to deserve the blessing of others, in "their timing"..in other words... a surprise party that was really meaningful in other people's lives, on THEIR schedule...


Once you know that, you can actually give another person a "surprise party"..by doing so, you have to understand you have their heart in your hands... it's a tender thing...you can't mess with it...it's all for them, not for you...leave the medals outside.....

HOW even more amazing if you ever deserve a surprise party...where you are the focal point...it can be a huge reflector of your dream potential...you see flashes of light around yourself in the mirrors of other people's eyes... amazing...

I think I experienced that , maybe ONCE in my life...

Maybe it was with you...

But, somehow, anyhow... I figured out it existed, by the way sharing it opened the eyes in my heart to the world glowing around us.

I think it's happening everywhere, but we rarely can see it...but some folks somewhere on this planet are expereincing it, or the whole planet die..that's what I think...

So God/Goddess bless SOMEBODY...even if it's not me!

The birds..the bees..the trees..the wind...the earth ... do it like breath.

We might try to understand that something might be going on...EVEN if we never see it.

if you ever earn such a thing... as other people's idea... you have received a true blessing.

But you can't demand it, like king or queen so and so or like the new fake royalty invented along the curse of fame..

Doing so, demanding it with leverage of wealth or bullsh*t... or buyng it... is never quite the "real thing"...now is it?


What good would it be to be the president and get people to lick your shoes every time you walked by?

Such a lonely life.

And such a lonely world, to know that all you ever built was a re-processed version of all the stupiity, just so that it looks good in the presidential library, meanwhile..who's gonna visit that place when the whole planet is a desert ocean with on-life-giving anything??? See you at the library dude!

Wow... and folks actually believe the propaganda guy got ushered to the door! wow...meanwhile, right in front of you, in plain sight he is re-manufacturing the library brochures and research books, with re-manufactured reasons for selfish choices that served the wealthy...getting ready to build another house of sand for the next guy serving the fat greedy bastards who might be making you extra happy to stay asleep at the wheel while they steer you...all the while honoring your choice for them to refuse to let you know that you'd really TRULY RATHER enjoy walking somewhere instead of anything else you might have the freedom to choose today!


I'd quit the first day.

The courageous thing Jane fonda did on behalf of freedom was to let the Vietnam Vets spit in her face.. to surrender to them...to show her respect by "giving up her freedom to run from that experience"... such is courage... and true freedom was what she gave back, as well as got back along with peace, true peace......not what she felt she deserved...her route to freedom was surrender...to admit her self to that experience by admitting her mistakes of 40 years ago...and not to file charges against the spitting vets, but to thank them for being that honest with her regarding her youthful stupidity "in the name of freedom".

She figured out, after she got older, how dishonarble it was for her to place her "sex-kitten-luscious self" on that 50 caliber anti-aircraft North Vietnamese machine gun and laugh and joke with no bra, and perky nipples about the "fun of war"... with the North Vietnamese.... in theory, in spite of the unjust reality of that war, she was dishonoring the warriors who had given up their freedom, their lives, their legs and head and even families... to protect hers... funny how that goes... and there she was playing around on a gun that had killed warriors from our country... (just or unjust war, as it was, designed to make the rich guys richer... whatever... makes no difference, she was still doing the stupid by blaming the warriors). she understood, as she got older and aged and lost her beauty... what she really did back then to dishonor to the soldiers...

The vets, still alive...admit...they were ashamed they cared about her pubic hair..or whatever...in all those sex-kitten movies she'd starred in of their youth...before those days of dishonor...it dis-armed their admirations for woman/goddess...twisted their hearts... seeing her be sexy on those war guns like playing on some sort of big toy... forced them to spit and vomit in disgust, inside their own hearts...exactly what you DON'T want to have to experience when you are risking your life for an ideal, or facing terror, or while seeing a beautiful woman...twisting goddess in a sort of strange convoluted way... right or wrong, in favor of the war or against it, it still turned their stomachs... that war gun was not a toy...it was causing the warriors to bleed...they could not forget or forgive her...until she returned to them and asked for forgiveness, gave up her freedom and thereby gave them a chance to rest their hearts back to the balance where goddess was worth admiration, she gave that by putting herself at their mercy... no body guards...and she had no idea until she aged a little and felt the sharp pangs of life and loss, why such a choice would be her route to deeper peace and inner freedom...the loss of her own beauty and vibrancy and even those dear to her... then she understood the horrors she had participated in by playing on a gun like it was a sex toy....

Then...she did "freedom justice"...by going around the country and sitting in a circle and apologizing to the soldiers she'd offended and took their venom and rage and thanked them when they spit in her face.

That's freedom for you.

but I suggest she had no choice.

She surrendered to the unrest in her heart..and therefore gained peace by giving back honor...she got rebalanced, those old stains got cleared and cleaned and all the people sharing the process cried the right kinds fo tears..the ones that remembered the true losses of warriors for the stupidity of the greedy..same as ever..but that's another story...

that's true freedom.

She surrendered to truth..and accepted her need to find balance...she gave them the freedom to tell her exactly how they felt..and by doing so..she found true freedom, an inner peace...by expressing peace, through admitting to herself she had none... even if it took 40 years to do so.
Life is a circle.

it sounds like I know something.

But I am figuring out I probably missed all the best parts of it..already.

ce le vie.

Might be par for the course of living a genuine set of steps towards truth.

You can't do anything about what it takes to get wherever you got... "what it takes out of you"...What you have to give to get anything... the reality of sacrificing the last step for the next one...or the last breath for the next breath...you're gonna have to let go of something to get wherever you got!...but you do have to admit you aren't there yet, in order to keep moving..and once you get closer to getting wherever you suggest you are going, you just might get the vision that it was always everywhere you were, but you weren't, there yet...until you got to a place where it was all in focus...maybe... check it out...whatyoulonging for? where did you ever get the idea it existed and was worth the sacrifice of this journey...? hinit hinit...you can longfor something you never expereinced... maybe it's closer than yo u think... or not...I can't sy I know anything!

In any case so many of the goals I thought I deserved, I couldn't make happen in MY TIME...I wanted them to rise up to meet me while I also rose up to greet them..that's a tough premise... no grabbing...I am not quite fully at peace with any of it yet... I admit it...and it's not any that much easier to figure out that some of the "distance" what ws made any of it known...But, now I have a different view of why those old foks smile to themselves rocking on porches savoring a memory!

We just couldn't expereince it until you gained a litle distance,or lost it...now could we?...

And maybe we wouldn't have tried so hard to find anything worth while unless we could sense there was something WE KNEW, but couldn't quite savor or touch...while somehow knew that thing was missing...you can't know something missing unless you once knew it first... so there...funny how that works...Maybe we aren't supposed to actaully have anything, maybe we are on a journey of letting it travel through us... understanding it while we express it completely by being empty while it fills us...AND BY THE WAY...the motion of the journey, or the motion of the energy expressed...might be the biggest joke of all!

by the way, thy still haven't been able to figure out what "humour " is, or how it happens or where it can be found.

really.

There's always had to be steps towards something, a sense of emptiness, in order to have something like a wake-up call sooner or later and an admission by a person on a journey regarding what was either lost or dishonored or killed, so that a person can actually chart a thing out and show others what they ALREADY might have... and why it almost seems that a person doesn't really get anywhere except where they were already...and probably only after they already left...maybe...

if they are "lucky".

I love to watch other folks sharing love...peace... trust... a caress... these days.

Something I couldn't quite do before, though I proclaimed I was willing to give my life so others could have it...

I remember now, now that I can actually see it with some dignity... those caresses I had, that joy I shared, whatever it was I was trying to give...that's how it looked to others, when such things were in my life.

But not how it looked to me, until now.

Really.

Did I really know anything about these abstract things I thought were findable, love, freedom, peace...duty...honor...integrity... until now?

You want freedom?

Test and see what it feels like to understand that true freedom might actually mean not having any, or maybe MIGHT involve releasing the idea that anything anywhere ever was actually free.

TRYTHAT AS A FIRST STEP TO FREEDOM.

Leave your expectations out of it.

Maybe that's the first step towards noticing a surprise with your name on it.

Might just be something you never expected and far better than you'd have EVER asked for.

Might even include other folks... wow... maybe.

Hey...by the way... there's not really an economic collapse...all those riches that existed 30 years ago still exist today and in the future...they just changed hands...maybe out of ours and into the hands of the greedy...but...how much fun can that be for them...to watch other folks die while they just get fat and smelly???? They can't be enjoying much of anything if they have to drive through the lonely and forgotten and starving people on their way to their guilded cages... can they?

And ifthey never ere completely borke and hungry and smelly all at once and experienced a smile that set their hearts free adn soaring, then what have they actually experienced? Really!

If they never understood how happiness feels without a cent, or a dozen houses...or even a dozen Yes-men-friends....... I mean ...really... howcould they be ever described as RICH???

... I mean...Really....they are the POOR ones... aren't they?

....

Meanwhile: I can't be mentioning Jane Fonda (with all due respect) unless I point out something for HER... Tell her if you read this, the moral of the story, ...here goes:

She really slams "patriarchal society" in her book... that's interesting... I feel, for certain that she should be slamming Matirarchal society if she slams anything...

You have to understand, I always believe the women pull the most strings in this world... but I certainly can't prove it...

Let me put it this way,... if any woman or team of women decided this world could be better , they could shift it all in 6 months... top to bottom...exactly...top to bottom back to top... right the wrongs, re-direct everything towards harmony...such is the power of women...but it requires that mystery power women teach each other...

Jane, god/goddess bless her, never got trained...Her mother died of suicide while she was institutionalized... Jane was an upstart riding horses and sequestered away from her famous parents at a boarding school...she never knew her mother...never got trained...

I'm not making this up...it's in the book... but don't get me wrong, I don't judge her or denounce her or criticize her I simply showcase that there's that mystery goddess power she never got initiated into by her mother, who may never have been initiated into it either...thus the "insanity"... Ofocourse she wasn't insane..at lest I don't think so..but that's just my opinion.

Jane describe a time in her later years when she yearned to realize that her dad loved her... she yearned to hear him say " I love you, my daughter, ...I am proud of you" ...but he never quite did...

then one day, Jane had the chance to visit her dad while he ws being carted around in a wheel chair, disabled bylife... getting ready to die... sitting in front of a lnely window looking out at the world...Jane stopped in, and it ws only her and her dad... She said time went by and not a word was spoken for what seemed like hours...of course it was only moments.... indfinity had opened up...her dad was just in silence... she faced him and said..." Dad, I know you love me...I always knew you loved me...you never said you loved me but you can't keep it a secret, I know ".

He started weeping, hunched over...

And she left.

She said that ws "proof" that he was out to lunch...

I don't think so...

How can love experessed i words, as a REAL thing, if it was ever real, be a weapon?

Impossible.

Her Dand got it!


There he was weeping, alone facing his death... and his daughter walks out the door right when he needed her!

Check it out...

Put yourself in his position...wouldn't that be grace..GRACE?!

Wouldn't it?

To hear your daughter whom you felt so distant from, felt you really wished you could FINALLY meet in mutual love/respect... to hear her say such a thing you knew was true...that you never were able to share with her...

To hear that...

In your last days...

And then she walks out the door?

She writes a book about how "out to lunch you were" your whole life?

Uses that scene to "prove" how despicable the "patriarchal society" really is?

How could this be?

HOw impossible!

Silly, silly silly.

The daughter bridges that gap of despair...breaks open the heart so it can feel...and you get left alone in a room while she saunters away ?

Wow...jane, Jane...Jane.

You did it girl...you crossed the bridge.

that was your moemnt..sacred..and he ws there in it.

HIs tears were of gratitude as much as despair..as much as anything he felt the loss of all those years he never knew ya...

and you suggest it's the reason you are so f**ked up your whole life?

An out to lunch daddy that never loved you?

Wow.

I suggest otherwise.

The moment held both your hearts..angels filled the room.

And he could die in peace.

That's what really happened.

And...you...well..you got days ahead of you and you, in theory learned soemthing by not having.

Now...you gonna make a difference for us all and showcase what that was?

I surely do not for a second think it was arriving at the "real cause " of all our distress.

We are dis-united from each other... by this world... each soul is unique ...each situation holy...

But you gotta be able to expand to see where that holiness always was...

In order to know that it IS.

Yes you do.

And not because I say so...

Because it's the essence inside each of us.

But... th eonly way to realize it in this 3d world... beyond father daughter, son brother grandma, grandchild...is to cross the bridge.

And you did... we all do... whether we know it or not...it's better than gold.

© 2008 Tony Stenger/aka 'ToeKneeStanger'

Hard to take a Break!

About 3 hours ago I finally cooked myself a meal.
The supplements kicked in... Einstein's Favorite, Cordeceps Mushrooms, Multi-Minerals, Milkweed Thistle, Colostrum, ...and the Green Tea....

I guess I was thinking clearer and calming down... Realizing that the earlier coffee and cigar with prayers were just not enough to power through this day.

I've been uneasy ever since I herd this news about one of my kids.
somehow I always knew there'd be days...weeks...years like these... you can't get around it...if you have kids...

some old friends, I know what they're thinking, ...they think that by leaving I was trying to get away from caring or having this reality hit my heart... but the opposite has always been true.... The people I am separate from by space and time are ten thousand miles closer and in my blood...inside me... beating my heart...it's the exact opposite of what most people would expect.... but none of it surprises me.

I get fired forward like out of a cannon by days like these.

I have to figure out a way to rise above and beyond all my expectations for this art into life journey...I have to start showing up and releasing a few more paintings than ever before wherever I go.

But I never expect anyone who hasn't walked steps like these to understand...and it just so happens that most fathers do not survive it.

At least that's what I have found.

In theory I got tools along the steps of this journey, so I have...which means it hurts, hurts hurts....

And the first thing I forget is keeping up the nutrition...because the reality is always that when you are going through the heavy stressful times, you use a thousand times more of whatever fuels you... and once the reserves are gone, you lose your memory of how you got so lost.

I think I amsupposed to be thanking mylucky stars that I have had a lifetime of training about when to wake up and walk to the fridge and gather the food that the best cells need, before they die off forever... and again...i just barely made it.

I can say for sure I did...becasue it's like that scene in the Jerry Lewis Movie...Nutty professor... not the one with Eddie Murphy, but the original.. and I am calm, after the worst phases ahve transpired... I can almost say I am back into focus.

The kicker was fixing the first and only meal for the day.

I did a great job... it hit all the bases... made sure the supplements I took would get delivered and infused efficiently... I cna tell it all worked becasue I am calmer now.

I even just finished playing 5 versions of myown songs and a few covers adn my voice hit al lthe notes...there was sweetness....
That fed the spirit.


Yeah...I must have made it... to notice I survived adn to be able to savor it in that way...to have the vision of carrying those to future stages, andnot to be in the dream of the past ones... but seeing the future stages on the horizen...and then I realized...I can actually book a music festival...maybe...if I word the e-mail right.

But the break I found myself taking was 2 hours or so ago...while I was in "theory" taking a rest....

but I knew I was actually being trained and studying ...while watching that film... studying the experiences I'll probably have to breathe myself through if one of my scripts gets to the screen, or gets chosen for a read on a stage somewhere, or re-made into even an internet tv series, something I know I could do myself..but this time I think I would rather take a back seat...... Understanding the "illusions inside the illusions" that make me think or consider that any kind of artistic journey is anything more than just a job... something I should be grateful if I have a chance to continue doing on some level.

I got confused more than once recently by counting on someone I had just met. In each case they were singing my praises and I didn't know what pat to agree with or to... Hence, the incredible journey inside a let-down when they ignored me or backtracked with a smile... and I got to understand I must have not been really ready for any of it... even if I knew it would have been all the package I'd need to create a foundation here and secure a wave to ride for 6 months, right out of this economic storm...the bottom fell out from under me...and I noticed that I was hearing th flip-side of the illusion stories that shoook me to the core...but none shook me as much as realizing I had given over THAT much trust.... or realizing that I was now the item being used for "gossip fodder" in other people's cannons ....

does it matter that any of it mattered at all.... today?

I really can't say.

Some part of me wants a person to search me out and find me and deliver the next big hug or gushy worded complement...but I'm not holding my breath.

I got to step back and see how ready I was thinking I was to be a star in this small pond...and I was already counting the days towards using this wave towards a series of waves to ride smooth to a newer future above the journeys of clouds and rain... but... reality... which one ws it? What was I thinking? have I really gotten to be that jaded... was I always such a sucker? ...who's side was I on...ANYWAY? ...did I remember to gather all my belongings before I was kicked out of those symbolic rooms?

By gosh , oh golly...I am sure amazed at the secrets people can keep!


Kinda makes me laughthat I got sucked in and spit out and ws even dried by the wind nd able to dust myself off.

but look at all that/those blank space it appears I left, even right here...in this blogsphere!

Yet...here's the secret...

The part you may not have guessed...

i actually wrote well over 200 blogs in other places since I left this room and returned today...yeah..i sure did!


And... woweeeee wow wow..... here I am standing in here again?>


I sorta knew it might happen when I got contacted by a person off in an RV in a park somewhere not too far from here... i sorta sawthe "signs" that I might be trying out blogger again and seeing if any of the bells and whistles were easier or had changed in any way... so...yeah...I'm gonna add a photo now.

And here was what I was thinking, for this whole day...while I negotiated and chased a few dreams flying around me on an empty stomach...here's what I was thinking....

How hard it was/is to take a break...

how can a person do it?

is it like "taking a leak"...I mean.... really?

Ever tryin actually "taking one" ?

It makes no sense... hard to figure out where to start...I think a person can't actually take a piss or a leak...they have to let it happen...and when they say they "give a sh*t" about something, I think they got that wrong too... it's gotta be something else..who would want to compliment a person or an ideal by giving a sh*t?

And when you "take a sh*t"? what's that?

Are you actually donating one to somewhere?

really?

So.

how about this take\ing a break concept...how does a person take a break...aren't they supposed to "get a break"... such as "give me a break!"..... except they shouldn't have to plan it or demand it..but folks should knock at each of our doors periodically and say, we re here to help you understand you "deserve a break today".... and "we re here to deliver one!"..... then , maybe they balance your checkbook... give you a ride on their learjet..... send you a bouquet of flowers and make sure they match your desire... stuff like that...and then clean your house or your world...maybe settle a few wars in your favor... grease your wheels..tow your car.... test to see if your armpits are smelly..wash them for you if they aren't..maybe let you feel the slick parts of something you miss.... set up your channel changer... sweep your kitchen...

then..as they are leaving maybe they all do a song called soemthing like "we came to help you see you deserve a break, then we gave you one...and we're not broke!... al lbecasue we give a sh*t!...hurraye!!!"


And then you doze off and find a big oversized Ed McMahon check inyour mailbox the next morning...

Save ONE

SAVE ONE....

GET ready to feel offended if you think I might know what I am talking about in this blog....

GET ready to feel offended if you think I am completely full of s**t.

I am not trying to convince myself or you or anybody of anything I write here... and the truth is... especially today... I don't really want to write this.

But... I have to .

and it all comes down to this....

If you want to save the world... start by saving ONE person.

and if you are confused about who that might be... look in the mirror... and if you think it worked , to a degree, that first project....

then be careful how you practise your attempts to save others...but practise anyway, with disgression... and how about starting with a smile, an unconditional smile...in the mirror, then in the mirror of life...long distance?

If that worked, you may not know it... but without trying, almost without even a sacrifice...you may have saved ONE more... then try saving ONE more... after that... if you see, over time that it lasted..

what do I mean by "save"...How about shining a light on something somebody else has, unique to them, that they may forgotten, they can offer? How about not pretending or acting or dreaming up, but actually seeing a part of them they yearn to have reflected? Or...how about helping them feel the courage to discover such things, if you can't see them? a reason to go forward...How about that? I realize the word "save is a loaded word"... bettter for a person to feel as if they are of value than walking around in emptiness.

If you do succeed, it probably won't be for any of the process or the resuilts, or reasons, or the ideas of how, or the methods... or WHAT YOU idolize as the goal...it probablly WILL be because of the intent... EVEN if the RESULTS seem like failure... the intent will carry a life forward with hope...if it ever works. Something to look forward to, beyond the steel and gray.

and if you DO succeed in saving that one person, yourself... or another person, somebody else......

you may have easily saved as many as 33 people's lives in the process.

There won't be any badges. There won't be any award ceremonies...or stars in the sidewalk...you might not even know you make a difference... or how much of a difference you made...

It just so happens that the better you get at doing it, the less aware you or anyone else might be that you did anything.

and if they guess what your intent is, ALL the more reasons, you might want to discourage them from noticing any of it...

Call it the love of Jesus, or the path of renunciation, or healing process, or actualized human-care... call it anything you want...

If it ever works, whatever you do, for someone else... you finally start to see that you regain a part of yourself...you shed a light on your own value, as well as your won bulls**t...and you ultimately will benefit more.

Now that I've said that...

The first thing I can tell you for sure...is this... it's not about you.

That's not why I had to write this...Considering any part of this to be true, it is a conviction of myself... my own path, my last 40 years of of efforts, and my future efforts. And the quality of my intent.

And ONLY if any of it rings true for you...do you know the part inside yourself that also stands convicted and only you know... in that empty part you wished were filled up today... the part separated... wwe all have parts of ourselves and our lives we yearn to share with others... If you could ever try to do better, then face it... and breathe...But don't get all excited that you can be a better person. Only time will tell...the proof is in the pudding... Only lasting results count...More people have been killed in the path of "good" and in the name of religion, ...than anywhere else...

How about a wrench in the machine? A whistle blower... the person who suggests the world is round?

We are all walking on the FLAT of this world, ... I haven't flown far enough to see the earth's curve... No matter where you go, there you are... It has to start where you stand. With the next breath...





By now you have seen some of the video of that kid in Virginia.

The one who did the movie version, so similar to Swatzenegger, Willis, thousands of others... we've paraded and worhipped as role models.

All eulogizing the last remnants of success thrugh trying to fix the world with force... the same way we inundate, yes WE, inundate & teach all our children to the drama of physical force over problems, challenges, difficulties... as a method for muddling through failure... through media and our favored fictional role models.

Look into the eyes of that person in Virginia on that home video tape... notice the inner shame, the isolation... the loneliness...Wait a couple of years and you will see that the next generation will pcik him out as ahero, too... the same way some worship Manson...

We all know how it mimmicks what we have all agreed works, and has turned into the same solution this culture claims will get the prize...the oscar... the blockbuster awards....It has nothing to do with talent, it has to do with your PR firm... send out a lot of key video clips to key influential freinds and associates, and you too can claim your gold statue...The true visionary films or important documents, breakthroughs of this world exist, but they surface 20 to 30 years later... the film 2001, for example, the film "it's a wonderful life"... there's hundreds more examples, you can find them the day they are released, but you have to see beyond the illusion of fashion, pr, the game...

Our biggest blockbuster heros, the sameones who look silly when they can't evenhold a conversation on a talk show... the two fisted gun slingers, the ones our society parades to our children... we get to see them surface in lost souls, the same souls we walk past on the way to the post office...the lost of our society area all around us... we see them shoved in our face looking like the heros we agree we can train our children to be...how? by plopping the kids in front of a tv and dvd player and internet as baby sitters... Now..all over the media, a 20 year old kid, The two fisted gun... the blaze of glory. And daily in the street gangs, ...ongoing... a confusion of war everywhere...and we are gonna straighten out another country? ... really.

We are all going to see more and more of this, unless we get a handle on what it really is...

I sometimes wonder if these events can actually be seen by the people of our nation, for what they really mean.

How more unsatisfying can a "moment of silence " be? To know that a "moment of silence" is no longer prayer..., no longer introspective thought...no longer long enough for anyone to feel anything... Why are the "moment's of silence" so short? So empty... so goofy? Close your eyes, shut the door, and listen... listen to what your mind chatters...that is the reason... People go crazy in "silence" these days... It's the first place you get to find out you have no peace. And you get to see what you built... You get to hear the constant noise of our society... You get to notice that none of it satisfies.

Oh , there is peace in silence... but it's only findable if you wash yourself clean... and that, nowadays requires a little effort...It used to be free and findable ... but now, it requires training. Calming the body, calms the mind... who knows how? If you fgind someone who does know how, you will see they are active in service, and they don't worry about it...they just do... walk or work along side them... call it volunteer work... study the peace you build in your heart by taking your mind and focus off of the problems and onto the doing...A perfect excersise class, in my view, wouldbe a group of folks who go and build things, clean things, resolve things, assemble groups for sharing and expressing LIFE together... the weight would evaporate... and the results in the heart, mind and soul would be seen...

20 years ago... a movie came out called "Grand Canyon"...

Rent it...

33 people died in virginia.

If you have studied Nelson Mandala, or Mother Theresa, or Princes Diana, or Bob Marley or anyone who learned their own lessons then took a few steps daily to try to make up for the previous ideas, byt searching to give a little more than they thought they had to give...you will find story after story after story of people in all postions who felt they never thought they deserved another chance.

Somehow, they figured it out...and recieved that next step.

Nelson Mandela said it "took him 20 years of daily torture to finally realize his own heart had to change and he started to DECIDE to feel compassion for the guard who brought him to daily torture". 7 more years of that, and he was finally the person we now know... and how do we know this?

His own testimony....

and what does he say? He says that he "did all the same things to his enemy, that his enemy did to him..."


He stood convicted, by his own words...and made it different. but he also passed it along... the lesson wasn't, isn't lost...

... and all those who point to the SAINT he now is, as if that's who he always was, are ALL part of the same circle of problems we all face daily.

It's not where we came from or who we were.

It's what we BECOME... that matters.

The inequity of this world is going to produce rage and anger.

Any study of our US history and you can find example after example of excellent HOLLYWOOD reasons for trying to settle things with a gun. Every ethnic group can find reasons...And, right alongside of thsoe reasons, you can find the modern day role models who show example sof how to make a 90 minute movie work, who also prove the stupidity of fame built on PR persona, rather than ACTIONS...

now I know why that smirk often visits the ones who still have a conscience, when they sit and discuss the next big thing, which is actually their next big joke on us, them... our future...while they describe a ROLE they played in snippets of 10 seconds or less... a character that mimmicks reality, but is not reality, on a talk show...they know they are not real heros...they know their own lives would never measure up to what the people reflect back through the illusion, the idolatry, the mimmickry...

Yet we all buy it...

And walk away from our own inner rage, our own inner isolation, while watching such versions of"reality"...or take a pill to disguise the truth we almost still can know inside our own heart... the difference we could have made, if we had used just one segment of that time...lost inside a pretend versioin of ourselves, with the courage of a pill to establish and support our fake smile...and get us more votes...with a fake smile...

From the leaders on down...nobody home. Haven't we had enough?



Mother Theresa never started out as Mother Theresa. She was a young egotistical nun, who got transformed looking into the eyes of peasants, when she was forced to sit among them on a train ride...exactly where she initially refused to sit...but there was no other place, so she had to be "among the people"... her fake version of service to Jesus got replaced with the real thing...but it took years of practise to become real...and it took 30 years for any of that to finally percolate towards who she became to be know to be...

You gotta go with what you got...you have to try and fail....you have to convince yourself you are making a difference year upon year until you see through your own ego about it, through your own efforts...and notice that inspite of alll your failures, the intention actually resulted in some things lasting... something you could see was good enough tohave been done... for her, it all came down to filling the bellies of the people. It got really basic.

You don't have to be MOther theresa to get results, you only have to show a little interest in another person, enough to see the real part of them they want to believe in , themselves... reflect the little flicker of that light...and then... maybe then... you will see that rage is a mask of a person in fear.

Then...maybe then... you will notice 32 people are grieved, one person is blamed... and nobody seems to see that one person was left out, start to finish. And that one person represents all of us, at one point or another in our lives...

who the f**k am I to say these things?

Ok... the truth...it took me losing everything precious and NOT PICKING UP A GUN to fix it... for the real study in my own heart to begin.

What do I get for continuing the walk, as it now stands, forward?

Every so often I get the feeling that my heart changed, andthe only time I notice how much it changed is when I find myself, yes... find myself...while I shed real tears of joy seeing somebody else get a "dream come true".

NO matter how huge or or small the steps, it's always the light that others shine when they feel that sense of accomplishment or sense that they deserved that dream...

So...these days, I see myself uploading videos of many folks I have researched, studied or appreciated, watching them do their Karoke in their shoe store, or sing on the street, or teaching a life lesson... pretty soon I started to notice that I HAD spent some time in wise ways these last 20 years... There's gonna be hundreds of these video clips, stuff I shot that has already been aired in the Bay area, finally seen world wide on YOUtube. I am almost noticing that MAYBE I was making a small difference... I was so busy trying to do something positive rather than find enemies, finding those worth saluting... I truly hadn't realized I was actaully doing it...

You know... the path is right where we stand...you don't have to get on a boat or a train then a plane then a bus then a donkey to ride to where you can find a 5 star hotel, take a taxi, get your personal assistants to give you the research prep-pep talk, then take a pill so you can smile...and dig a ditch...

Start. it's just one step from where you stand right now. It might be as simple as a real conversation with the person making your Latte.



NOT TOO LONG AGO. I stood out on a street in a new city, not long ago...smoking the cigar I had sheltered in my vest for weeks... and I was really ready to smoke that cigar. As I stood out there on that street alone, I noticed that storeowners were nervous about where I was standing... They'd peek their heads out and ask me to move down the block... nervous and frightened... I noticed they were.

I thought it was the smoke...or maybe it was because I ws a white guy... or a new unknown presence...or maybe it was the bright COLORS of my artistic clothes I was wearing...the colors.

Soon, a person of another race sauntered down the block and stood in front of me... "dude, you got a cigarette?"

my answer... "no..just another cigar... want it?"

"No...I was looking for a cigarette".

... "well", I said... " you are passing up an excellent smoke..this one is kicking my ass in a really good way right now...and I am loving it...you gotta try a cigar someday"

then he said... "Ok... I'll try it ".

I lit the cigar for him, and we talked about that city for about 30 seconds, and then he was more at ease... and our conversation became more real...then he pulled back his sweatshirt and showed me the GLOCK 9mm in his belt/pants....

He leaned over to me and motioned down the street, saying, "I am going to blow that guy's head off if he doesn't stop talking to my sister"

This is a true story, folks. I was standing on a strange street, in a strange city...I was a new comer. Later on, I pieced it all together that they all were protecting each other, onthat street... because they felt unprotected...and, for awhile, that guy thought I was part of the other guy's back up..until I shared the smoke and showed comfort.... treated him as an equal, and NO I was not afraid... in the least... amazing, aye?

Somebody else, in that same circumstance may have ended up in a pool of blood...

He and I shared our smoke, talked about how hard it is to survive... views we shared about wanting to see our family safe and to findcomfort in the world, somehow...someday...so many things we had in common. 3 different genetic structures, all in a triangle of energy that night... while he and I smoked the cigars, time went by, and that "enemy" of the other guy walked away from the sister... nobody died...no guns were drawn...


The impact of that shared smoke changed worlds in the future, for more than one person, and brings you this story today.

I have dozens of stories like this, all on the same theme of "guns", but that is not the realstory...the real story is good people recognising good people and reminding each other of that part

...unless you read deeper you are going to miss it.

10 years ago, I was searching for a gun to "jump in front of , to save another person's life", from a symbolic "enemy".



NOW...Not only do I find joy in seeing other people get their dream come true, but I also understood that I wasn't there to stop a war, that night... I was there to share some time... equal time... not higher to lower or lower to higher...not getting anything from it but the shared time...and a few laughs..yeah we eventually wereso releaxed together that we told each other a few jokes, too.

How many times do you reach out to people and bring your judgement along?

HOw many times do you reach out to people and try to change them?

How many times do you reach out to people and try to convert them, ???

When you go to sleep each night, do you get a rush believing that you are doing "the lord's work?" Meanwhile maintining that point of separation and that ego rush?

It's time to figure out something...

thoughts do EQUAL actions. If you think it, you are doing it.

If you play the part in the movie, and get paid to play the part in the movie...you are accepting an exchange for something you never earned, learned , survived, accomplished.... those eyes of idolized fans should make you feel empty.

If not... you may be dangerous to us all.

We teach youngsters to kill legally with no feeling or pangs of conscience.

They do so, through buisness, through judgement, through a whole range of ways untraceable and untrackable.

And are rewarded.

I know, I know, I know...

there's some who would consider this rant to be simlar to the one folks get to hear from that kid in Virginia.

It's a different rant.

I suggest that you walk past people who walk in his kind of shoes daily.

You ignore that person.

all it takes, sometimes, is a smile and an encouraging word.

We are all trained to distance ourselves and figure out who the enemy is...

Yes we are.

It's our society now.

And if we are living here, we play a part in every grievance.

You know... so many of us born since WW2 think that the USA was always a "super power". We were somewhere around 18th in ranking, until we detonated the atom bombs.

It's gonna take more than fear to keep this planet alive another hundred years.

By the way... it wasn't meant to last forever.

It's only been a stop off place at best.

We all came from somewhere else,a nd we are all gonna leave it.

One way or the other.

Every twist of fashion always looks ridiculous 10 years later.

How long willyour awards last shiny?

Will anybody give a s**t in tne years?

25 grand will get you a star on the walk of fame.

It's been proven a long time ago,that you can get more famous sooner by doing garbage...

So...

If you want to live high from plane to plane while folks keep you doped to smile... it's right in front of you and you could do it... easily ...justby making a few pieces of s**t like Quentin has.

What we allneed is redemption.

and you won't feel any in your heart until you step up to the plate and faceyour own truth.... and take it from there.

The only time you will know that anything real happened, is when you see a video of a lost soul...and you understand that.... if you could have made a difference in that person's life...it would have never been known... but 33 people might be walking around today.

Things change.

We have all been watching a fiasco... and letting it parade as reality.

we get to choose the realtiy we share...

what of your talents and gifts are you going to bring to the table to help those who have been lost and left behind to feel they have a chance at peace too?

You can't buy it in a store...

It's what's in your heart.

and it starts by noticing how much you love condemning a chosen example of evil...

............

NOT MEDICAL ADVICE

The human brain is 98% fat.

If you eat garbage food, the brain reconstructs itself over a period of time into a lessor version of what a brain can be.

If you take Omega oils, the ones that align with your unique genetic, you can rebuild a brain inside of 2-7 years.

If you decide to want to have your brain work great... but have expereinced trauma in you life, then you can nutritionally support the process of REAL memory and re-construct the brain simultaneously...

when trauma is experienced in the human life, it saps essential nutrients and forms a disfunctioning brain that no medication can fix...but recovered memory and proper guidance and nutrition can all combine to create a "problem solving" brain from a confused traumatized brain.

When society learns this, and you yourself can study it , it's all published data and proven...try it out...for yourself...
... when society learns this, then psychologists will stop being the top paid professionals, and the same goes for lawyers (by the way, lawyers, as a profession were beneath thelevel of grave diggers up until the times of the INquisition, whre family , friends, turned each other in as heretics...and the "church" martyred 25 million... ) ...

It takes YOU to try for yourself... FIRST.... to make a difference...And that means to pick up your God/Goddess given talents and use them for the good of yourself and others... bring color back to our world..... help walk us away from plastic, steel, garbage, greed....

And as far as traumatized children, they can and WILL be recovered early in their traumatic life chapters, sooner... through intervention... as soon as we all decide that parents could use a little training, ... couldn't they? Since they are building our next chapters for this earth process.

And that training might mean finding ways ot reach out to eachother, rather than betraying each other "with fashion"... sounds goofy, I know... but ... it's either gonna be "Mean Girls" and "Pulp Fiction" for us all...or it's gonna be something like closer to real life with a healthy dose of second chances.... for those who earn them.

Something Like a Valentine

It was about 2 years ago... in the Spring.

I was hijacked on a premise.

In theory somebody I was helping, wanted to give me a vacation from strain, as well as offer me an apology for selling me down a river... in a handbasket... Something I had figured out, that embarassed them and made them get on their knees , crying and begging forgiveness... well...that was good enough for me..that along with the commitment to fix the goofy rumor they created out of fear...

My counter proposal suggested by me, was this; "Let me dive in deeper and help you more" So... they wanted to just wander around Hawaii and let folks carry luggage and spend money on massages... etc... food.. etc... I said..."fine"... but it wasn't necessary. I could have just settled for a few decent silent or tranquil walks together in a local park...that plus fixing my reputation, they had helped destroy...that was good enough... no money needed to be spent. But since they insisted on this "break from stress", I suggested, yeah... like I said...I suggested "hey, let me help you more!"

For me, this meant helping them to see and meet the REAL people.

To start seeing the baggage carriers and valets as something more than just items, or robots, who get tipped. Sure... they insisted on showcasing their world to me...the kind that Spielberg and others had walked inside of, just weeks before we'd arrived....but I countered that idea-plan and insisted on showcasing my world inside of theirs... meeting the real people....the ones who deliver the food, cook the food...trim the manicured lawns...perform the massages.

This is all a touchy subject now.

It's not that I don't appreciate the "vacation"...but it soon started to be a sort of "weight" for me to carry, unless I found another way...and I was so surprised that that other way was right there and ready to be experienced...Holy Moly! I didn't have to walk inside that as an artificial world, anymore.... Yeah... sure was that way for me, those days, artificial ... at first for a few minutes each day...so I filmed it... and somehow I was seeing new...through new art eyes...unbelievable... 

At the very same time, I was realizing, I didn't curse it. Something had expanded in my heart from various losses over the years. ... yeah I enjoyed the idea of "time off"...but I also saw the artificial insulated world for what it was... a world of empty living unless we filled it further with life...unless we BROUGHT our full selves into it...complimented people, and really tried to bring something from our hearts to share along the way. ...I couldn't help but noticing that the part which was insulated from us, also exchanged reality with emptiness, and could fill it with life...

AND THE PART I had to let go of, in order to truly be there, was my own self-judgement. 

so, on my cue, we gathered ourselves and really endeavored to meet everyone we could meet. Being wherever we were 100%... Truly showing up inside each day. 

Seeing others not as backgrounds for our travel, but as participants. Folks who either shared our path...or carried the luggage for us, also shared our air, our vibration..., our time...as we shared ours with them...

You know what? 

Those folks who parked the cars were always amazed that it mattered to me how the day was going for them... it wasn't some empty "how yah doing"...but a real conversation...and this surprised the person footing the bill... Because she was finding the part of herself she had prayed to find... We soon found out whether others had hopes or dreams they were building by doing that work, carrying or cooking for us. . And YES, it was super necesssary for me to carry the luggage, too, right beside them...and they always got a better tip as well. I would not allow it any other way.

I really don't want to start any wars over this...

or sound like a saint.

You have to notice I am sharing this for a reason...and the reason matters.

I have to say... I felt at peace this time around seeing inside the life I could have had if I had gone to war against my betraying business partner, of years before. I experienced , once again what it could have been like to be part of the "jet set"... How my version would have been far different than th edownfall I had feared... 

For me, the folks carrying the bags and cooking the meals made more sense...felt more like potential friends, borthers, sisters, and family, than most... I also saw compatriots among the folks on the airport buses... among the "tourists" at the resaurants, in th emuseums, or on planes with us. . Something inside me was different.... .

The way most folks allow for the discrepancy between the "haves" and the "have nots" is 99% of the reason I had walked out of my early recording deals... Why I was almost glad that some opportunities had been stolen by folks who had been raised in wealth, all through out my life...the secret envious competitors who haven't the talent, the ones who took the credit.... Up till that Hawaii trip, I had found a certain peace in knowing that not having a vicious high powered attorney protecting my process , I had let folks hijack my ideas or steal my share of whatever was built in my life till now.But now I could truly see that it was not peace...it was a goofy kind of stupidity that my judgement had clouded.

I think a part of me never wanted to lose my connection with the earth... I chose for good reasons, to leave myself out of wht I had desreved. I let jokers steal my wife...yet...I saw I was a fool...in certain ways. The premise that kindness and compassoin cannot go hand in hand with reward, that was the goofy part. Silly me...to say the least. It's a hard thing to admit to. And why I can't allow folks to convince me, anymore...who the "enemy is". 

With my judgement gone, I saw where I could have made a difference. 

I would love to suggest to everyone, who reads this... That if you have a hit record, but you treat a valet like garbage you are a failure, in my world.

Yeah...and I mean it.

But me saying it all those years was me being stupid...in other words, I was at least 90% of the problem. Think of the difference I could have made if I had collected a Grammy and taken the common vision along with me to the podium... what a fool I was ...what a fool I was...

And if I step back up and do my thing, then meet you...I won't be shaking your hand if you are an egotistical bastard...but I won't be cursing you either...I will just be the one who already left. I'll have to assume, now , that my own visin is clouded...that I may not be correct about who you are...that everyone learns about life in their own way...that stepping away allows confusion to grow, if we have something to offer...but refuse to share it. Maybe it was just the wrong day to cross paths. My version of such an experience is not necessarily the truth...since I know we all have to bring the beauty with us...if we curse or reject others, we have brought dirt... a great reason to leave...but don't blame it on anybody but yourself.



Hey, check it out...I actually met some really good hearted people who were traveling on their retirement money and showing compassion everywhere they went, on the trip to Hawaii.

It surprised me.


I had to understand where and when I had actually dropped my judgement in the years leading to that... and guess what... it was when I was living on the street that I had fixed my vision.... somewhere in my plea to God for something better than an empty life in the grey world. Seeing that new part of me, helped me to understand that I knew myslef to be more than a person invented by God to crucify others.


I think I let myself off the hook and discovered I had become a contributor... I realized my new vision had let me off the hook... I didn't have to worry about losing my soul to money ...anymore. 

In a sense I ws a little more clean...therefore anything I create from here on out, wellit won't be tainted by idiocy. Looking back, I realize there's ways to spread the wealth back among the people and build a world we can all love to live in.

In other words... I was wrong to judge...and maybe 20 years back I could have found a way to find a mentor who used the position to enhance people lives.

Yeah. 

So. I admit it here.

Letting greedy folks cheat me out of money or credit or opportunity...that actually hurt the people I could have helped...

I am confused no more.


As the wheel turns around and the spin stops at my door again... if it does, I will step up and recieve it and multiply it and then give back...just like my true heros do.


I don't want to embarass them by mentioning them here. They are well known... Because they were born of earth, or had parents who were born of earth, they reflect decency that I know I can be someday, as long as I leave my judgement outside the door. 

The only way I can honestly know that what I write here is true, is because I held on to my ideals all the way towards losing an indoor place to sleep. I lived in my truck in one of the wealthiest communities on earth... I got arrested eventually for being there and tossed out of there... It took all that for me to realize that putting my own life in danger in those industrial gang infested areas, ...well, that was just stupid.

Integrity has more to do with how you recieve rewards from what you build, and then what you build with THAT...allowing folks to reward you and vote for you with confidence. 

Seeing it all as a responsibility and grabbing ahold of it and using it on behalf of the people ...that's Integrity...it is NOT living poor and letting someone steal from you and destroy your relationship with your own kids.

It took me living the life of a beggar to know that there is a difference.

I never begged, but I did feel completely deserted...by God.

Now I understand how folks who hit the streets and live in concrete go crazy.

All of us play a part...and it's not money they need.

Nor pity.

If you clear your head and see an equal, and believe in them for their potential...then smile and encourage them to continue...you can heal them, and notice that you also heal yourself.

You know, if I had some money to hand to somebody living in a cardboard box, ...these days, there's not really much to give them...a few dollars is all...but ALWAYS before it hits their hand, I raise it to the sky and I tell them, "let's ask Creator to help us see it multiply and for you to get comfort and become your dream come true".

When people brighten up , hearing those words...they get every cent I have... I search and find whatever there is and load it over to them... That light in their eyes shining is what does it... Cause I know they are going to do just that.

Last week , I saw a skit on Saturday Night live. It included all the objectified, demeaning versions of what society believes a homeless person is. Such despicable characterizations of our shared shame, basically showcase how far we all have fallen.

If I can rebuild my own foundation these next couple years, the vision I have is bringing folks back to what they can create with their own hands.

So many artisans out there, so many who can make our world brighter and more beautiful...mumbling to themselves.. on street corners, in gutters... 

The ones who want to bring that spark forward, and create with it...will be expressing God/Goddess' gifts for us all. We will see our grey dirty world come back to color and harmony and sustenance... all the colors of race working together in relation to the creative flow; God/Goddess flow as expressed through them.

Aren't you ready to find a way out of noise, pollution, emptiness, and greed?

All around this world, are folks we all can feed...if we release ourselves from fear...and share.

I want anybody who reads this, who might see me begin to prosper again someday, to remind me. kick my ass if I forget. Talk is cheap ...and Judgement is worse.


It's taken me awhile, but when I wake up in the day ...or go out into the world, if I see holes everywhere, or confusion everywhere, that just might be, because I never offered what I had to the mix.

None of the really great people are known to us as REALLY GEAT, are known for walking around and condemning anything.


They walked into it... became part of it, dug their hands into it, and made a difference... and kept the promise of a real life, by offering or encouraging what was missing to grow.


There can be nothing other than this...or it's just a sad empty life with regret at the last breath.

And when I say that, I am not talking about YOU now, ... I am talking about ME.


Happy Valentine's day.... offer somebody a true heartfelt smile who has a slightly empty heart... let it be an old enemy or a stranger... and notice how the world starts to glow. ESPECIALLY YOURS.

Thanks.

-toe knee stanger





When the Fruit is Ripe

www.ARTintoLIFE.com


The Right Painting...finished on the right day...I find great benefit in completing the right painting, on the right day... One great example of this concept is the Painting "Liberty Ride 2000" which actually was finally completed on July 4th Y2k...no shit. Above IS a picture of that painting, it's the one with the "Indian on the motorcycle doing a wheely in front of the teepees"... There's a story behind these images collaged in this painting, but I will save it for another day. Once the story is posted, I will provide a link to it...

anyway.

Sometimes , I cannot help but notice that a certain video, or drawing, or painting ripens, years after it was completed... I love it ... sort of feels like I get validated for the forward vision it took to film the stuff... in this case, back starting in 1995 all the way through about 2000... Concerts of a band that some say still exists? Well, in the footage, it will always exsit...now... but herre's the story;

I recently uploaded about 7 videos-songs of Pele Ju Ju & their lead singer Dana Hutson.. to YOUtube. And this past week, I have been esxploring Myspace, finally building a new outreach via Myspace...the freinds lists...and the switches Myspace contains...and...just yesterday, I added a person to my friend's list who is an old time Pele Ju Ju fan, who reported to me, that she discovered one of my many music vdeos of them. among the rough cuts... appearing on YOUtube... and google showcased my new Myspace address...so she found me there.

In honor of that journey completed...below is the Pele Ju Ju band with Dana Hutson performing "Eyes to the Sun".

You will see that this is a masterpiece song, and a sample of the kinds of moments you could count on happening at every..yes EVERY... Pele Ju Ju concert....a deceptively simple production, but I feel it is a sample of a few of my video paintings that also feel like masterpieces of mine, cinema verite' at it's best...

This video is strong...even in low resolution...Built around the premise of ...Allowing the song to breathe... being a witness and intuitive. By this time, I think I had filmed about 5 Pele Ju JU concerts... Dana and I could feel each other in a sort of tender shared goal of capturing the beauty of that song and this brilliant performance...which..by the way is cross edited here from 2 main concerts...both live audio... but favored one, part a- the other part b...you will see/hear.

I felt privelged, to say the least...for Dana's trust...and I knew, I was there to witness what was beautiful, fully through the camera, and make sure it was captured for the people... for all time...

Here it is. Ripe today...Just fell off the treee!

See if you agree...Did she deliver it, or not? Did I catch it so you could get your share? You tell me...Regardless.., I'm very proud of it, as it stands here, a simple concert film... pristine... good re-mastered audio... still holds up as ultra compressed youtube film.... while at the very same time....it still sort of represents the rough demo version of a full screeen feature doc, or a DVD boxed set sold online, or some other indy project... and if nothing else, word will get out to Dana who has since become a massage therapist-healer.... deep in the jungle... maybe to return once again for the Ple Ju JU Re-union concert this summer...maybe , maybe, maybe...which it may well be... someday.

But for today...the song...the video... were both completed 10 years ago...and technology finally caught up with that wave, so that I could feature it here, in a blog....and let you watch it from the myspace/youtube window below. So... I sort of saw that the wave rolled back in, and long with it, it brought a Pele Ju Ju fan... so ... all in a little neat package, a test run... double checking the switches, and the search engines... and the media players/streamers... And, as of this week, I have decided to stay, for awhile on Myspace, this time around...therefore, finally uploaded enough samples of my art here and elsewhere, to provide an overview...this is the official first media/blog insert test...Along with just enough of a profile on myspace...and youtube... it seems ripe and ready.

The right painting on the right day... Dana Hutson and Pele Ju JU sing "Eyes to the Sun" circa 1997 ... a stanger film.



P.S. I apologize to all the other musicians of our present day, because this is old footage, and I say something stupid about Pele Ju Ju being the "best band" or some such. It's me in 1997, still getting used to my access tv show hosting style... I make the standard error of over hyping, here...everybody does it at least once, I sound like fool, but I left it in...because it's that era...On the subject of "great bands" yah gotta cut me some slack... Like Louis Armstrong said..."There's only two kinds of music...good music and bad music"... regardless of all that, we gotta be greateful for this Pele Ju JU footage I filmed in 1997 and re- invite you to enjoy today, in 2007, today... In theory this is just to prime the pumps...so to speak... check the interconnectedness of it all...I guarantee you that it's gonna open doors for more current projects...and all the other great musicinas and writers I have filmed...Have a great tuesday!

"Eyes to the Sun" Dana Hutson & Pele Ju Ju

courtesy of the ToeKneeStanger Channel on YOUtube


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQxK00GO5kY





http://www.zazzle.com/toekneestanger*




www.ARTintoLIFE.com
www.ToeKneeStanger.com

"Broken Bowl"

There's this set of bowls.

They were in this house when I arrived.

Perfect size and shape, for a huge cup of java... not quite fitting the hand... But they gave me a design idea for a set... a coffee-tea... tea pot set... Perfect shape... Perfect proportions... a memory.

I've been studying the zen of shapes for a couple years. How a tea pot can reflect a memory of what we love beyond loving.

Found it all reflected through the Teapot and bowl and cup collection at the Cantor Museum on Stanford campus, in 2000.

It took a little searching, but the tea pot I had envisioned, dreamed could be created, was actually made in the 3rd century b.c.

Sits in a glass case, one of many... Some carved from blocks of jade, pure quartz...Not all for tea, but close to the size and shapes I had cherished...Yet this one, ... This one was fired clay... Seemed plain and simple, I noticed to most people...They shuffled past me and favored the sparkly fancy colors of the others...This one was simple, plain, utility combined with beauty, perfect... It's proportions, at least to me, reflected that "golden rectangle" type of equation the Mason's and renaissance masters secretly guarded for centuries... It was like that, except it was the Taoists, and the Confucian style of equation, probably right down to the formulation of the clay...It's essence was light and beauty, but invisibly formed inside of shape for purpose.

"Yeah this is the on, I thought to myself"... And I began to draw it right there, I knew I didn't have to "re-invent the wheel... Someone else before me left the evidence and the validation and the formula for the style I could re-form as my centerpiece for a set.... Well, how do I describe it for you? ... It's not edges...It's the same sort of perfection of shapes we see around us, but closer to the shape of breast... a reminder of goddess, something we can all relate to... Those of us who were born of women.

I don't want to sound too cryptic... But the world seems to be run by folks that forgot the divine mother... So maybe it would be a good way to remind a person subliminally over a cup of tea.


Anyway. I never saw such proportions reflected in modern designs...Until I saw the bowls I have been drinking coffee and tea from in this mountain house, in 2006.


It will be a design I carry in my heart and head... as I get ready to leave for the unknown.


There is a certain type of hand-hold on the side that I know I will have to invent... One that only I know about. It's something I get to build because of the way I have had to hold these "too large bowls" that I use as coffee mugs...It'll be my vision alone, what I bring to the equation...The one I am definitely going to perfect... And maybe, maybe, maybe this will be one of those designs that carries forward for a few centuries.... Built out of need, and left for those who follow...


An easier way to drink a big cup of brew, easier than a modern day mug handle. If you can imagine that.

A month ago, as I squeezed myself around my painting table, one of the bowls fell.

... Crack!... In a zillion pieces.

I got grateful for a couple of reasons...

First, I can never forget those bowls now...

Second, it gave me a project, gluing it back together.... And through that, a chance to explore it's perfection.

I have this theory about broken bowls and tea cups... And anything ceramic...

"Glue it back together, and you get to do the meditation about it's significance while you do so".

I have many re-glued... And many stories for each one...They have merged with my traveling paint kit... My traveling editing office...



A few years ago, a friend offered me his driveway to use as an outdoor studio... Summertime in California, I was at first offended.

But I was living in my truck, and it became a landing place for hours of the day.

No more searching for an empty place on a hill in a park to paint. No more parking in the industrial zone and watching sh*t go down each night, and moreso on weekends...

I got sort of locked into a neighborhood by that driveway offer.

Now, I got to pray and paint under the shade of slow moving trees, all day long, with a relative quite and serenity.

I felt more in place than out of place. By default, folks stopped leering at me with suspicion.

One day, I had to tell him the truth about the down side in relation to his offer... I felt offended watching him lock his door every day as he left for work... I'd be out there early and with 8 hours ahead of me, I'd have to find a bush out back for a restroom... He'd wake up and get ready to leave...a nd for all the serenity, I felt as if he just had no trust...So why was I there on his property, if this was all he could see in my presence...Was it pity, was that the reason for his offer? I asked him if it ever occurred to him to make me a cup of tea, every once in awhile... He seemed to love to come and find time to visit while I painted... Getting free art lessons, and he'd come out and question techniques he saw me use, then show me what he had created with those techniques... I would have been respected or complimented in another setting, But I saw him use my presence as a certain kind of badge, and even tell people how great a teacher I was... But then locking his house as if I was a potential thief. I was smart enough to be honest about all that. Needless to say he never really enjoyed that feedback... Always with a fresh brew...But only one, never a cup of tea for me... Or an offer to use his bathroom...


There was a day when he sort of got heated about it... Because I was getting ready to leave... And I let him see how that looked to me... Almost as if I was in a position of unworthiness... I would rather exit and go back to the hillside in the park.

inadvertently, completely by accident, the tea cup he was drinking out of, broke ... He lost grip of it...And it broke.

He stood there, we each measured the silence, then he looked at me... He said "that was my Tai Chi masters' gift... I can never replace it... I loved that cup... it's lost forever, now"


He swept it up, tossed it in the garbage and left... Without a word.

By the time he came back that evening... Before I left for my parking spot, he found the cup glued back together, sitting on his doorstep.

He asked me...

"what am I supposed to do with this???"

My answer was simple...

"I have all these cups and saucers and bowls I have re-glued and each holds a memory now...Though it may never again hold tea"

...And then, I showed him a few... Brush holders now, storage places for small items, paper clips and such... Part of my art supplies as important "as a sable brush, to me"... "it's how I find things"... "They help keep my studio in order, and each holds a story"

"each has a story".

I went through a couple of them, and told the stories..What was learned, or what times were frozen in that moment of "breakage"... How each one reflected a gift of time, space and heart, momentum, dreams or future challenge.
..................


I haven't seen or talked to Rick in a couple years. That was late in 2003. I painted a huge painting which, among other items, holds a collage of leaves and branches swept up from his driveway...Painted as if they were/are "Monet waterlillies".

That painting is still hanging over his in door office. It was a canvas he had found on the garbage of a vacant high tech start up gone bust...One he gave to me that I painted over.

.....................

IN the next couple of days, I am going to upload some footage of a friend of both he and I... Somebody he introduced me to, while I painted in that back yard driveway. I overheard their dreams and plans to create a new kind of creative school. That person has since passed away.

He was a great musician who gave his life to present music of Jazz and blues and unity beyond race...In the name of art and music... In honor of his sister in law who is African-American... Because, growing up, he had seen the agony his brother and she would have to go through as a mixed race couple in rural Indiana. He wanted to help create a better world than that... So he did...With his life ...Through music, and acting, and voice-over acting...

I get to finally make sure that footage I edited of him, for the memorial service, presents the legacy of that man...; this time world wide via YOUtube...

Such will be a "great thing" that I get to do, simply because I can...But nothing can replace the look of joy filled eyes his sister in law and her daughter both gave me along with a hug at his funeral... They each hugged me, smiled and dropped a tear and thanked me for putting the footage together in a way that they could see what "Uncle Timothy" had done with his life in California, since leaving Indiana 30 years ago.

Rick had introduced me to Timothy... While I painted in that back yard.

But I didn't really know Timothy until I met his sister in law, and also saw all the brilliant world class musicians who came and jammed freely with each other at his memorial service, or until I had seen his many characters created in the video I edited after he died. He was as Belushi, or Akroyd or Chevy Chase... But he lived on the level he was born to live on...Never left the people he walked among. I saw the truth of his talent, I know whether as a musician, or a song writer or as a comedy character actor...He was always a kid from Indiana who just wanted to bring folks to unity through music... I saw it was true, All races and creeds... all sparkly eyed playing their favorite Timothy songs... Each had a story about how Timothy helped them get bookings or shared gigs.

I think , this past week... While I thought about the broken bowl I just glued... That meeting Timothy and getting a favor from Rick (the backyard open aired studio) was a certain pact made, that I could now finally get to fulfill. Nobody's gonna pay me for it...It's not gonna get a grammy or an Oscar... Few will even know I did it...But I am going to upload some Timothy footage, anyway.

And, while gluing the bowl that broke... I had to think of that tea cup... Rick's tea cup... That I had glued in that back yard... And I had to remember the look of suspicion, of mistrust, on Timothy's face when we first met...And the sense of purpose I got from helping memorialize the work of Timothy. Getting closer to him after he had died than ever being able to share a coffee with him or even play a song together... He had paid his dues... But he had weathered so many storms, he didn't know me Well enough to tell me his need to get some credit for being "Santa Claus". You see, beyond all those voice-overs and concerts and movie background parts and everything else he did, one way Timothy fed his family and also served was as Santa Claus for over 30 years. If he had auditioned as a Santa Claus for a major movie he could have beat any other competitor. He had a twinkle...He had mastered the roll...He had the deep soothing voice...And the heart to match...But the main reason he was Santa each year, was to help kids formulate their wishes and dreams.

Thank you Rick. For encouraging me about doing those edits. And letting me glue the tea cup... And for hearing me out... And for introducing me to the life of Timothy.
....................

A room full of people laughing joyful tears watching their friend do voice-overs and appear in Hollywood movies as a blurry background side-kick...Then play all those festivals and music events all around California with his friends...

Lives on ... Now as a YOUtube segment...

Nobody is paying me...

But I get to explore the meaning of the glued tea cup... And notice that I made it past some big storms...In theory.

It's the kind of thing, that if I do not do it... Nobody else will.

And we - each and every one of us, all have to see some work in front of us, around us, shared or alone...That maybe nobody else can see...And we need to do it, just because we can... as our offering, just because we can.

For me, it's re-gluing the tea cup...Sort of a duty that I have, just for being here... a way to make something out of something that seems forgotten or lose or broken...Something bigger. It's magic, bigger than I could even know... And there won't be a parade... But that's ok.

It's proof, if nothing else, ...That I learned something from YOU.

And for me...It's all about how I use the next 500 breaths... The next 3 hours of my life.

Do I glue it back together, in honor to the ones that were around when it sort of shattered?

Or do I leave it in pieces?

There's a sh*t load of metaphors here.

You can sink you teeth in them... Have at it.

Let me just say, Timothy and I never spent any quality time. Not back then.

But we can , now...

He'd put 25 years into Indy media and music, but I never knew why or anything about how amazing that all was, until I saw the footage...Just recognize that this is true for each of us...It's true for you...The only thing is that we may not have a record of it...Yet that record still exists etched into the hearts you shared it with...And it's more really real than YOUtube or MTV or VH1 could ever make it be. Sometimes, I actually thin k, that only the truly lost get to pretend they had a real life in a movie, you know, the truth such as Swatzenegger never saved or rescued anyone, nor did he ever even shoot anything but a plastic bs gun and pretend to care enough to risk his life for something. His own words, if you search, you will find..is that he loves "people worshiping him". Think about it, I am not making this up... That's all ego...What would happen if people started getting content about making a difference in each other's lives...Famous or not? There's no other hope for this planet. It's not a movie. I swear it's not fame.

Well, I tried to be a friend to Timothy while he was alive. He walked away. He told other folks he felt disrespected by people, because nobody understood that he was the master he was... Whatever. That's the reality of our modern times. All I know is that I saw a lot of beauty in Timothy and I kept offering...a nd I never really understood why he had gotten suspicious about such offers...Until I saw the range of his talent after he died, in the footage and concerts he had ALREADY done for 20+ years. Then I understood. Recognition never came...At least the kind he expected or needed. But, in truth, I saw in the footage that he could have been bigger than Swartzenegger, but instead chose to serve the folks he cared about, not an invisible audience of strangers. He wasn't hooked by his own ego or need for fame or power...He made the choice to be real, instead.

He died, sort of overnight.. a surprise to everybody.

The biggest reflector I ever saw of how real Timothy lived his life, was in the hearts of his many, many friends and the depth of glow of appreciation in his sister-in-law's (and her daughter's) eyes...And in the free laughter in that room at his memorial... all brought about, brought forward, by me sort of putting together pieces of his vast catalogue of footage spanning 25-30 years.

Just by showcasing a tiny portion of that value via edited footage.. Shared music... all over a tragic loss...Yet more than anything; bigger and fuller by the fact of what it indicated...What was real beyond video...

We lose something when the bowl breaks.

But we can gain something from the memory of it's meaning, if we take the time to use it as a meditation- gluing it all back together..

..................

I'm going to design a few bowls and teapots in my life. Yes I am... And they will someday be broken.... as all things someday have to be... On their way to dust.

It makes me think it was all worth it... If I dream about somebody gluing one or two together again... In memory of whatever they see around them that they have that day...To hold a few brushes...Or pencils or dreams.

......................


Last night... I had a dream vision. I was in a room, and it was after filming (or playing music) at a gig.

Everyone else was filtering out of the room. There was an echo of laughter and cheer... Fading to silence.

A younger woman who was hanging back, slowly came over, and I couldn't believe she was coming over to talk or visit me.

She asked to sit across from me...Somehow she had seen enough about me, or watched me enough there, that she had a reason to do so... She sat on a ledge right next to me, sparklng her eyes... Made a simple sincere joke about me not realizing she really wanted to be there...Then she leaned over ...And kissed me.

And then...Just so I would know and understand that she meant to do it, that there was no agenda than a shared kiss... She reached into my heart with a few more words, this time soothing... I felt that caress and the honor that came with it, ...And then she leaned over ...And kissed me again. And this time I savored it.

I could never have picked her out of the crowd... I could never have predicted it... I was only able to do one thing... Hold still and let it be.


http://www.myspace.com/originaltoeknee


www.ARTintoLIFE.com


http://www.zazzle.com/toekneestanger*