The goddess Queen and Geronimo

I lost my gut, these past few weeks. It was a pleasure. The diet? ..... Rice, Chorella, some high-powered herbs, Sweatlodges, blood purifiers, EATING the FEAR DRAGON'S tale-TAIL, Facing the music, honoring the Goddess, Dreaming of dancing with beauty, s**t-loads of tears, organic bread, and the grace of BIG HAWK. Moving my stuff alone through all nighters, with heart breaking because this journey seemed so alone, then finding myself in prayer with friends and hearing grateful encouragement for times years ago, when (they say) I'd done the right thing.... even though it was heard, I am still absorbing all this might mean.... and then I see, the GUT, well, the GUT is gone. And the light in the eyes appeared once again. .... No kidding. .... No kidding. .... on cliff's edge, I get this grace. But how can I really, really know this is more than dillusion? Well, let me tell you, I feel the tender warmth of a few close friends and the snuggly hugs of women I respect deeper than I can describe. With their gratitude for my survival, I can't go wrong. So.... like the honorable warrior I am, I step up to the task and I bring back artifacts that show I will protect them, as best I can... I salute the other warriors around me, who shine refelcted as equals.... and we all know we cannot match the women, but it's worht a try to do what we can from where we stand. .... Just so they can shimmer their beauty. I got a big test this very evening. I was sitting out back of Starbuck's with a Ritzo coffee after admiring the small of a goddess back, with beuatiful angel tattoo, and while dreaming of the painting she and I planned, in comes the silver BMW, and out glides the goddess Grace Kelly match we'll call Jackie. The name's been changed folks, or has it???? You will never know, unless I showcase my Vermeer talent on her presence. So much high powered beauty in her grace, so much glow, it has to be hard for her to exist in the concrete .... Why do I want to paint her??? Why? .... Isn't it obvious she is just trying to live with that handicap? Like a millionaire, or a famous celebrity, she gets accosted everywhere she goes. Taken onto Yachts, for rides to exotic places.... she will never know a life like mine... Why paint her? Why? I hear her voice, I say, "Jackie... take my card... read the Blog... let me know if you want to be the painting of our dreams".... and she, once again, says "thanx".... unbelievable.... It is I who feels grateful, grateful that she doesn't tell all men to fly a kite.... I know she gets cards tossed to her all the time... So.... what if she reads this? What does it mean? ... Does it mean any more than that piece of art I delivered to Joan Baez last week? Does it mean any more than the painting I gave my healer friend Mo? Does it mean any more than the two pieces I sold to Derry for 1.00 per hour? .... ? .....?Why paint Jackie? Lord knows it is going to be a difficult task. I'll have to surpass every past painting to get close.... I could film a dozen movies on the way she walks.... I could interview her for centuries and never define her.... It's so huge, how could it be this huge? If she reads this, she'll think I am a tune. She's half my age, has all the richest guys in town trying to find time with her, and she wants to study photography... What's my story? ....Wanna know the first time I saw her? I'll tell you, I was visiting with friends (on their dime) in the back room cigar lounge of a local Cuban restaurant. In walks a group of college kids, and I feel the air shift like a time traveler entered... it turns my head, and then I see her sit on this pretty boys lap, and it makes no sense. She, the Queen Godddess of that whole room, paraded around like a trinket and smarter than all of us put together. It hurt to watch it... Even crazier to write that it hurt... Now I've done it... will she ever call me if she reads this? After 35 years as professional artist, painting paintings for something more than money, giving most of my stuff away super cheap, I am ready to do the Vermeer painting of my dreams, because this is all I could ever do, if she would pose in the same room!. I am seeing my Diebenkorn moment, my Wayne Thiebold reality, my Monet, my Degas, my Gerhardt Richter, my Da Vinci code... right there in 3d. And I know... I KNOW, if she ever gives me a chance to paint her, it's gonna kick my ass big time. It's a project that I cannot fail! But... way, way, way, before that... she says "thank you", that day, the very next morning after I first saw her way back when, the next morning, that long ago day after I first saw her, when she arrived at Starbuck's dressed in the same clothes... hair a flutter, shimmering just a little less.... and I had to walk out and hit my knees outside her car and write my e-mail address on the inside of a Natural American Spirit cigarette box... and she had no idea what I was talking about, when I said, "I want to... I need to paint you... if you want"...., and then I studied my steps as I walked with confidence right back inside... leaving her presence as quickly as I could, because, folks, because, because, because she is a walking billionaire on beauty... and it made no sense to take up her time!.... All the self talk I could muster, helped me piece myself back together and I was fine with never hearing from her... "whew, I thought, I sure survived that challenge" .... and then... well, and then, she shows up again in my world... this time, pouring wine like a goddess for us all, 3 months later! "how in the world could this creature need to work for a living???" There she was putting on her graceful show, pouring a full bottle one handed, bending at the knee, doing the full body graceful... and I watched and waited as we all went through 3 bottles before I revealed I was the same painter she'd met back then...It made no sense, to see her in that 10 dollar an hour job... unless ... well, unless, INTEGRITY ruled her world, folks. Cause, we all know there are bunches of hungry millionaires ready to snatch her up and put her in a cage, yet she is free! Amazing. So, I flipped her a card mid-way through our bizness meeting, and everyone laughed when they heard me tell her how I knew of her... yet she was so amazed, and surprised I was the same artist.... and even more surprised I remembered her, and even more... yeah even more surprised that I let her have the space to decide and not follow through! That was 6 months ago. UNTIL...Tonight... out back of Starbuck's, late at night, while I was working on a HAVANA SEED, Dominican cigar, I see her drive up, get a coffee and come walking back out... and I say, "Jackie" ... and she turns, then thanks me for my best card yet.... and it's just simply off the charts, this idea that we'd see each other again, in this way, this one random time I am in town and there... the first time I am there in weeks. Co-incidence? Maybe. .... Let me say this, and hear me, hear me please. ... Time gets measured in intervals like this. Many more in my day, than just Jackie appearing every 3 to 6 months. I wonder to myself, what happens in her world between these moments? I sure hope deep and great things... but who knows. who knows. Ultimately , it isn't about whether paintings happen or not... yet, I sure hope they do... It's about measuring the times of change betwen these 30 second meetings. True? or not?....The responsibilities are great, in relation to her. I know, if she calls and if she poses, I'll once again be teaching martial arts to a woman. If she wants to learn, that will take precedent ofver any art or posing... to allow her to find the trust, and meanwhile , to help her stay safe and protected.... a bigger thing than a simple painting. Ways to defeat a foe in the dark. I'll show her everything I know, if she cares to learn it. Anything to keep her safe for life... yet we all know life has it's own process. But two people meeting in a world like ours, well, it should reward each of us... and it shouldn't be about who is beauty walking, or who isn't . She is just as much a person as the one who greeted me at the vitamin department of C-Sun, and said, "Toe Knee, how did you know I thought of seeing you today"? And so it goes. Around each and every corner, another friend to meet... another moment to share... interwoven with other moments of challenge and dreams in process of becoming. Life as usual , on planet earth. ..... This guy appearing in this photo with me, his name is Geronimo III and he is 105 years old in this photo. I was stuck in Tucson back in 94.... And I was living in my car while I waited for a painting to be shipped that could be sold to a shop owner for enough to buy gas to leave that city. I decided to go to the mountains outside of town and climb up high and do ceremony. I met the legend of Tucson there, during that visit... and I met this guy, and a famous performer's bas player's son, who gave that famous performer a message for me...and I met many, many others... others. This guy has been visited by George Senior, every year for years and fully depuitiszed as CIA auxilliary. Why would George do that? Because George was/is paying tribute to his great grandfather who defeated our best back in the 1800's... I shouldn't say "our best", since it wasn't "my best" warriors back then. I simply do not agree with the way Geronimo was chased through the cactus... My relatives were still in Germany then, so I am off the hook!... but, let's just say that Geronimo was victorious for so many battles, all with less than 30 warriors and stealth. It took Tom Horn and an old German tracker to get Geronimo to surrender. A matter of honor brought him in... the right kind of tactics and enough time to define his future... Still, can our society explain Geronimo traveling the world in a model T selling autographs for a dollar to live???? If you ever see the photos of great grandfather, father and this one all together, you will see this guy at age 2, small and wondering where his future was headed... and now you see him here. Must be dead by now.... When I visited him, he said loud and clear, "I got nothing to teach you" , and he meant it. So... I asked if I could take his photo, and he charged me 2 bucks. he didn't like my Handmade Hopi medicine shirt, and he didn't like seeing another Whiteman come to "worship him"... yet, I truly wasn't. I looked at him from a sideways glance and knew he was challenging me to test me into showing true motivation, or get lost. I knew my place was up on the mountain and with prayers, so I let it all be ok to leave fast.... It was a side journey to pay tribute, but I didn't have any badges to offer, or status to convince him my aim was true... Had to leave that for George Senior. Anyway... this doesn't really have anything to do with the portrait of Jackie. or does it? We all get to meet in this realm... 3d land, this life is such a dream in process, isn't it? I mean, isn't it??? Time does go by, we fill up our space... you ... I..... everything in between is still a dream coming true... hope yours shines like a brand new buffalo nickel. Just remember, your only duty is to fill up the space you inhabit. Fill it with beauty that is your own... and love the talents, the grace, the responsibilities you have... or leave it like the Buddha and test the realms of Being... it's all the same, as long as your life dream is the one you are blessed with, from inside out, you can do nothing less powerful than to allow it to blossom