So... I've learned a thing or two over these years. I see the posturing , on occassion of folks I work with counting the dollars in their heads.... and that's when I get to a distance. how cruel I am to watch that so close. but it's not the only barameter that keeps me that far... noticing that folks have agendas, well, that plays a big part too. Noticing that they are only "doing it to get laid"... that plays a part too. If I help power up folks like that, then I know they can't be counted on... simple and true. I thought I would build a legacy at the aha center... but then I heard them each talking about each other... alarms went off... I noticed they were also talking about me... alarms went off... then I stepped to a distance and noticed none of them has a strong commited relationship... alarms went off... and then, the final nail in the road map to my exit; no strong matriarchal women...so, I knew my home wasn't fully here. And then, let's add the fact that there's only one main race represented, and that my invites from other cultures got turned away by labels... they never felt safe... so, I had to add all that up... and you don't even know the really tragic stuff I am holding back. I do not do the mask dance. I never could, never will..... I think my childhood was showcased by the fact that I always knew what folks weren't saying, and I watched what they said and did... I am not talking about my family, I am talking about folks who work well in a society that covers it's tracks, where no one is genuine in social circles. I always thought it was an intentional joke, like everybody knew they were B.S.ing each other. I thought it was really funny tro see what folks wnated to say, and then what they really said and did.. . it seemed like a cool game, but I didn't want to do it...then, around the age of 14, I suddenly realized that 99% of the B.S. folks did was stuff they themselves actually believed... they forgot the difference, it ran that deep... and I suddenly freaked out...I realized I had this knack of sensing the undercurrents, of sensing the hidden thoughts... and it has never helped me. Folks who genuinnely live those ways are never at my table... You know I have few friends, but oh the freinds I have! No preternding in my inner circle. we can be ourselves... and it's actually not bad... it's actually fun. .... I don't seek to be king ****. so, I let the harsh competitors fight for the prize and I let them have my spot, more than a few times... you think it matters all that much? ..... today, I decided to warm up my harmonicas and sing a few of my songs "off the cuff" . It was a test to see if I could just step up to a microphone and nail a performance, or would I feel rusty. check it out... I nailed the songs I sang... and I even filmed them to boot... so you can see them someday. write me and request it, and send some handling cash... and I'll role of a copy for your personal use. As good as anything anyone ever paid to see... right there. .... I have this theory, and I don't mind feeling that I am oone of the folks I talk about all the time. Just cause folks say Eric Clapton is god, does nopt mean there aren't guitar players in this very town who are as good, unknown. I don't want to take anything away from any famous person... they can have what folks say they earned. All I am suyggesting is that you know someone as good as the best, plus you have them as friends.... If you knew Eric clapton, you think he'd be over to your house for a cup oif coffee like your friend is? heck no. He's got plenty of coffee. eric would call you and invite you to one of his mansions, you'd have to check your badge at the security station, youi'd have to wait in a separate room until he's ready... and, if you are lucky, you'd get to spend time wioth him (that is if he really is your friend) and maybe, maybe, maybe, he wouldn't be rushing you off after 15 minutes. this is the truth. I KNOW you got friends who are as good a painter as Picasso was, as good a performer as madonna or michael jackson.... the only difference is this; they'd rather bake you a birthday cake, and don't want to waste your time showing you how they dance..... When I was a kid, I was captivated by that Jerry L:ewis movie, "the Patsy" , you know, the one where a comedian dies and the team of writers and agents are all out of work, and they decide to create another star, so they can continue to make money in the hollywood game.... Well, they choose the bellhop guy; jerry Lewis. and the movie is hilarious, yet true... they give him a make-over, teach him how to talk, walk, eat, sing, dance, tell jokes... then they book him on national tv, and they start counting their gold. I dreamnt of doing tsomething like that someday, of being picked out someday...... then, when I was 24 years old, and writing and singing music with a small group of friends, a hollywood porno soundtrack producer who was once a rock and roller turned producer of indy music saw us. he and his wife were jazzed on our songs and style and look. So... just like that movie, they took us to the mall, and decked us out... produced a few songs for us, then we road to Hollywood and shopped the material throughout the San Fernando Valley and Hollywood. So, there I was with my friend, and that producer guy going to Hollywood parties and seeing mega studios in peoples' homes... You'd better believe I was shaking like a leaf. I just wasn't ready. though I wished I was, since a few young starlets at a restaurant were wondering what soap opera I starred in... I ran for the exit. Freaky. Just think how smooth and clear our worlds would be if half of the Hollywood movie scene had run for the exit when they had a chance... Maybe we'd have the genuine real performers from you home town doing their thing instead. And maybe the world would be truer and more beautiful ...Now, in my more mature adult life, I see I can sing like never before. I am the poet I always wanted to be... I can do the tour of the west coast now, and I can deliver the goods... It all comes down to whether I find a way to afford the motorcyle to roll that far, and the leathers and the better guitar case. But, I am ready. What made me ready was not my looks, or my songs or my singing or my guitar playing, ... what made me really really ready, like I know I am, is this; living a life true. I have always been disgusted with the "wisdom" producers engineer these youg kids to sing/represent...meanwhile, within a few years of thei rlaunch , their personal lives goes to hell in a hand-basket, and they age fast full of bitter rage, either that, or they get smart and hire a team of hundreds to shield them with pr tricks and keep the fans away from their doors. It's a prison , folks. ... think about it... , wouldn't you rather be a regular person, and get to ride a morotcycle somewhere without being followed, and wouldn't you be just as happy to have your family cooking you a simple plate of beans and rice? I know I would. so I ran for the exit, and lived 25 years till now... and whether I deliver my 15 cds of songs to the people or not, they still exist and you won't hear anything out there like it.... this was never a hobby. It was always the real thing. But the more real it is, the more it deserved to be kept away from the tantalizing greed that goes with too early fame. How can it be that only the famous people get honored... shame on the world... listen to your hometown favorites and see real tears, real joy and real people...save the masks for th eplasttice world... the throwaway world... god knows it is so ripe it stinks...