Equal or Non-Equal???

Equal or Non-equal? ...... This living in the 21st century is a real problem for me. Like, for instance, today. I read this really excellent opportunity on a community bulletin board up north. I made the long drive there, had no idea the gas cost. Barely made it. Upon arrival, after many gated passwords and the exact right amount of private distance from any main roads, I saw the skyline in all directions, old growth rainforests California style. But something didn't feel right. Why? I kept wondering, but I knew the drive was for me. I'd made the effort, I'd shown my deepest desire and I ponied up the gas, the time, the motivation and the expectation for miracle, all plenty enough for truest payback. But what kind of payback? You see.... I get these intuitions at times, and this was one of those times. Lots of training, lots of sacrifice involved in such effort, and now, I felt somewhat out of place. How could this be? I stop my art truck at the nearest shack, "this must be it", I was thinking, then out of the building comes my old friend TEX. What????? Almost in unison, he and I both say, "dude, I didn't expect to see you here!". Tracking back my conversation with the big king landlord who had invited me to the interview today, I remembered his words, "the last guy here, was a pathological liar".... Oh no, I was thinking, oh no, the guy was talking about my friend TEX.... Ouch. How could this be? And then I figured out why I'd gotten up mid afternoon yesterday, after an all-nighter (yeah, another one), and I'd walked up to the cafe, had a coffee and found myself walking up and shaking TEX's hand yesterday.... I remembered the words that I was inspired to say yesterday, no need to repeat them here, but now.... now, it made all the sense in the world, why he had responded as he did yesterday to me. It all matched up.... Out in the middle of Switzerland in the alps of California deep inland, we both were standing... Jaws agape.... And we both say "dude, it makes so much sense you are here... Yet it is all too eerie".... As if, on cue, TEX fills me in... And now I feel somewhat saved, saved by the bell...Saved by providence, saved by guides or angels or Jesus, once again.... I got the lowdown from TEX. The dangers at hand, the reason the place was slimy with residue of death. The guy before TEX died there... And the landlord king had just sued TEX and threatened him with a body bag.... And I'd have none of that in my life now. Thank you TEX. Most folks would not write a story like this in a blog like this. Why are you reading it... What does it mean? Well, #1, I knew I had to pray over the spot where that guy died 6 months back.... TEX says he must have been doing something illegal, well, the pall over that area of the room was unmistakable. So we locked hands and it was set free.... Now, the rest of the story. I got to read the landlord kings agreement with TEX, the written detailed version, and I knew I wouldn't submit to such overseership...., then I heard the upside of the pristine nature sanctuary, and the downside you've mostly already heard. ..... I decided to try my meeting with the landlord king, and I walked down the pathway to his castle. Yeah, I want to call it a castle, because it was huge and indoor garden , swimming pool and all. But still, not a feeling of peace there... I rang the bell, tracked around the side of his huge house, and out came this old burned out guy... And I feel bad to say this, but I knew I would not live on his land immediately. Luckily, he asked me to go back up to the other shack and wait, "he had something to do , first"... So, I made fast tracks and when I got there , I said, "TEX, you saved my life, buddy"..... Tell that joker I got confused and thought he said come back some other time".... Tex asked "dude, you bailing?" ... I said, "yeah", and we both laughed..... We laughed because we both knew I was fully motivated. And I got out of dodge, but quick. TEX tossed me a 20 for the gas home, and I rolled back up through the maze of canyon. Through the herds of cattle, towards the sunset..... Rolling home. Life on planet earth is sure a funny thing for me. I use these words "vow" and folks think I am trying to be Jesus. No way... But still a vow. I saw that shroud of death leave that house, when we prayed. Maybe that landlord king deserved to have his handyman shack cleared and that soul set free. Maybe. I had no choice. We were there, 2 or more praying a soul to have peace works every time if you are sincere.... Just so happens I can't refuse when I encounter such fields of confusion... Pockets of misery and trauma... Ouch. But now I write about it... And if you go this far to write about such things , folks will throw stones at you. I got this e-mail today from an old friend. He's been holding me to trauma times 15 years ago when my whole life fell to shreds. Lately, I have been reading about the Buddha and all he renounced/lost. It goes with the work. But just because others stick to their roles even though they compromise, they have to toss stones or words at me because I survived such losses and did not die. Here's what happened, I got on my knees and asked God to carry it for me... I made deeper vows, my heart raced till it was way past broke, but it did not break physically, though it broke spiritually and emotionally, and in every other way. The room filled with light and I got another chance, and then another, and then another... Each time, the room filled with light. When I work for/on people, the same occurs. Just because healing comes for them does not mean it is me. We may agree that the need is present, we may agree that the soul deserves, but it is blessings from God/Goddess. And I KNOW I always emphasize that we are all equal in the equation. Yet, the one who is casting stones at me for trauma I barely survived 15 years ago... Well, he learned the sweatlodge ceremony from me, or thought he did. But he forgot to look out for all the participants. And he forgot to call me to run that sweat... So the guy who 's idea it was to have that sweat 20 years back, well, he died in the sweat. I was not there... But I felt responsible. So, I went to that men's group, after I burned down my own lodge in prayer ceremony. I chastised them for forgetting about each other, for not watching out for each other... But deep in my heart, I really wondered, was it all caused because I emphasized we are all equal? Was it because I ensured each of those men that the ceremony was between them and God/Goddess, in their own hearts? Did I under emphasize the fact that I had taken these vows since an early age? What is a person like me supposed to do, parade around as something special and flash mystery? I hate doing that. Then again, when I don't do this, danger seems to be ignored. So, what do I do? ..... I am getting really , really, really tired of trying to do my part as "spirit" directs me, like today, then finding out later that folks chastise me for "trying to be holy". Who is trying to be anything.... ? ....Haven't I said, over and over and over again that your path is your path and equally sacred? ... I wake up each and every day, and I follow the directives of the day. Let me tell you a true story, and see if you have stuff like this happen for you....This past week, I was feeling the call of my Scottish brother, the guy I met last year out back of Starbuck's we share similar backgrounds. His was in Scotland, mine in the Midwest USA... We came from families where honor and sacredness and service and hard work all played a part in creating lives of integrity in our respective families. So, we connected whenever he had stuff from his corporate responsibilities to talk over, or when I had stuff from my service/Aha workshop process to discuss.... But now, since I am embarking on other journeys up the hill, we don't have the schedules which match whereby we can meet in the physical. I could feel him wondering about me, where I was , from the distance... Late in the night, I decided to put on my documentary of the band Chupacabra filmed back in 99. 10 minutes into the filming, I saw him... Right there. Figure it out folks, way beyond co-incidence. You ever have an experience like this? Maybe, maybe not. No doubt about it, it was my Scottish Friend, a younger version.... Now, please explain to me where I got the impulse that night to pick up a video from my hundreds of Toe Knee Show filmings, and found the exact clip of a person I didn't know back then???? You tell me. Come on... All you stone throwers think this is easy? You think this isn't borderline stuff that can rack your heart, mind, brain? I got over questioning it years ago... But why do I have to have folks I allow into my heart trash me about "trying to be a prophet... trying to be Jesus,... trying to be Holy".....hogwash. I am just trying to do what spirit calls me to do! This has happened so many times, I can't count them all. But you want to know why I am so poor, or why I live for something other than profit? Let me tell you this, "it hurts to live in this century" ... It surely does. I stepped into my friends carpet store, and I told him I wanted to fix his roof. His words to me that day were these, "I have been praying to Allah for someone to come and fix it, you are the person who can". His words , not mine. So, I fixed his roof. .... This person I have been serving lately, this woman in the neighborhood, she wants to use her life to help people. So I have offered to "train her" ... Meanwhile, I am in need, in need, in need. She knows, and I know , I have not shown her any gift she can give which would remove the storm clouds from around me. I remove hers, as best I can, and then I find out later, she tells folks "Toe Knee sure has some tall tales" ... Meanwhile, she knows I mentioned to her a week before that, that she should try not to discuss me with doubters..., because I can feel those words from a distance, and they do not help me with my own storm. So.... As an extra measure, I find myself telling her a story about something that (midway through my talk) she says "I experienced that when I was a kid", and I understand completely that the odds of me telling her such a story are slim, at best. I knew her elders on the other side were beckoning with the impulsed words, and I said, "so, I think this is your mother and father" , the one's who took her to that place, and showed her the thing I'd brought up in that talk. How would I have known that? No way, folks, no physical way on earth that I would have known that childlike joy she was revisiting regarding that moment her parents brought for her and her brother when she was just a little child. And the tears rolled down her cheeks. Precious. It's really, really, really , really scary to me that I would write this stuff here for you to read. You think I want to write this stuff??? I need to paint paintings, folks, I got places to go... Things to do.... A life to live... Yet, I took these vows... To be of service, and it kicks my ass to reveal this stuff here. .... Today, I stood where a young buck , mountain climber died in front of his girl friend... I'd driven many, many , many miles... And then I found myself standing over that spot. Seeing that wound in the ether... And praying it free. You don't think I had something better to do the whole time? Think again. This is my work, not yours... Don't try it at home. But you have YOUR version and the biggest art of all is a true shared smile. Get it? Why waste time throwing stones at me, or resenting me for my work? Ridiculous! We are all just plummers, carpenters, builders, cooks, gardeners, teachers... Whatever.... And each role is NECESSARY. Just remember that beneath your every thought, you carry intention and attention, and precious care.... Some call it love... So, match that intention with your truth and your style and your divine presence from deep within, and no matter what the action, it will always be MIRACLE! Call it what you will, it's life, and we got to live it... Face your cutting edge journey with courage, and know when to rest... And be careful about taking credit, it hardly ever matches what you really are doing which is far , far, far , bigger... Just by showing up!