Ah... the good old days.... or were they? I was holding tight to my family.... I was painting my ass off... I was feeling it drifitng from me, no matter what I did. Look at how beautiful they were! They were radiant.... all the ducks were in a row... yet everytime I returned from the studio, I'd find another guy visiting there, another who was appearing in her dreams and knowing destiny was knocking on their door. another, so sure that they were the REAL one. And it it was wearing me out.

Over and over, I'd take the newcomers, the new replacements (of me) aside, elsewhere, away from my family and I would explain that they didn't have a chance taking my family from me... but it was not working. I was losing the battle. You can see it in my eyes here.

She was looking for an open door, she was 80% of the reason they were tracking to my door, calling me to let them take over...

... and then, I sold my house... my last refuge. And the end was in sight... bigtime.

When I look at this photo, I see myself knowing I couldn't defeat this upside down society, where tribal ways and family were all but gone forever.

50% of all marriages end up in divorce... and a huge percentage of those who divorce, with kids, report (later) that they never found anything much better in their journey to freedom. Everybody seems to want to blame the other person for their unhappiness. I could never do that. I was holding on to the "forver" part... but I signed the papers anyway.... I still regret signing those papers.

In theory, if she wanted the divorce so much, she could have the divorce, but the hard way... publish it, and let the time go by.... rip it from my hands.... But why did I go along with it? And then, later, why did I creep back into that bed, in essence with no rights whatsoever????

Silly me.... I guess I thought it was an act of love to let her railroad me away from the paradise we had, then bring me back in, after she had secured her assets.

Crazy world, Crazy Nation... Unhappy planet. And so it goes.........................

I know my good friend John will read this and say "Toe Knee's Pity parade, once again"..... .............

But listen up, John, the circle comes around, and this is the real reason I am writing this here.

I finally started getting the respect from this "forever wife" of mine, just last year. And finally got the first photos of our son from her in 8 years... just last week.

14 years later, after she did everything under the sun to get me out of her life.... and after I road to 2400 miles distance, and waited... and now, 14 years later, she is finally sounding like the one I still love. BUT don't get me wrong, I know I can't have it anymore... it just can't be.... too much ripped beyond repair, but then again, maybe I did my BEST part by not co-operating with her on-going war. by giving our son this distance.

Maybe I did my part, by not subjecting our son to that war over, and over again. I think I secured the last of my sanity by this distance, but do not ever believe that it has not been excruciating.

Only now, hearing all the good things about how our son has become an inspiratino to his friends and the community back there, how he is progressing, successful and flourishing ... only now, hearing about his straight A's and community service.... and only now, hearing that she "knows I would be so proud, and that he is 'just like me', a creative whirlwind ..... only now, do I get to weep tears of gratitude.... that I survived what it took to let that grow to be that much beauty... in theory, through letting it go...

And yes, I do feel so proud.

And yes, I do finally feel , finally invited back .... even if for just a few weeks or an art show back in that small Iowa town.

If you read my last blog entry, you know I bailed on my life, to a degree... just 3 weeks ago..... inches before crossing this finish line.

Then this arrived; photos of my son, painting, playing music, editing video..... the first photos in 8 years... and finally, no letter with blame or guilt attached... finally a clear supportive, respectful, and encouraging display from the woman I still love, who I needed 2400 miles distance to survive loving.

Crazy world, crazy planet, crazy life..... ............and , all around me now, out here in California, a tribe of women reaches through the veil and lifts me over the finish line, they bring me "tea and oranges", in from the cold and they feed me nutritious meals, and they thank me for the difference I have made in their worlds out here....

They tell me I helped their kids get through tough times, they tell me I helped this community build good things, they suggest my integrity stands for something beyond what they'd ever expected... and they thank me by holding me a few seconds here and there, and weeping the tears of joy, knowing the sacrifices I made in relation to what I had... what I had, that I tried to help them never to lose, out here.

And it is they .... they who stopped me from lighting my art on fire...they who convinced me not to burn my paintings... they who suggested I lived through the hardest parts... and that the best is yet to come...

...that I passed the hardest tests...
.... that my choices will bring good results, and not future pain...

and .... so... the very same words I used to help others, here and there over the years, while trying to stand up in the distance... those very same words have been used on me... right when I didn't think I could wait another second... and then the photos came, as if "on cue".

I bank the peace that brings me....

I cherish the meaning of what this is, this thing called surviving.
Maybe all these high minded art theories... of building beauty on this plnaet were all just a bluff up till now, when they got re-energized by my own frution inside this perceptual space. I see the miles, the years, and they all evaporate... as if I knew they would.

Proving that it can all work out... just like I tried to teach it could.

and I can't even really say that yet, still... I have to live through it.

I know, in my heart of hearts I still rage against the upside down world we've all built, where we seem to empower our leaders/communities/fellow travelers to continue to split us all, in this on-going illusion of time and space.

Right and left... and where can we feel the joy of true community?

.... and where, it seems, Can we protect your family from the lurking thieves of beauty? ..... what planet is this?