Hasta La Vista!
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I have this very peculiar feeling , right now. Right when I am trying to stand up around Aha! Center, my friend M.G. nails me by telling folks how he thinks I am "might confuse the kids" by being around them in the daytime too much.... He's worried they might think "Toe Knee is in charge of something... my presense might break the flow of the Aha! home schooling program, "....... I'm convinced. He finally convinced me.... ... that is,
M.G. finally convinced me that he is not worthy of my friendship, support or respect...
and, from a lot of angles it sure seems / looks like the Aha! ship toe knee believed in, helped found as a physical presence, and helped create the inner design for, is sinking. sinking faster than I thought.
Am I in the middle of the ship on fire?
No time to check....
M.G. has me in his psychic headlock of labels and slimy tactics... I gotta escape that first... I'll decide about the sinking ship after I swim to the clear.
So... it's emergency city/nation/world in ToeKneeLand.
I'm trying to decide where I should torch my paintings.
I am feeling that this whole idea of collaborative trust will never work...
So, I want to do something symbolic for all the visionary artists... something that gets the point across ala Warhol... How about a pile of smoking rubble from 20 years of work?
I could go and do it by the tree, in this heavy rain.... out in the county park.... Just me and that Mountain Lion... two lions watching another world fade.
Totally safe.... no forest fires.
They couldn't say I was destroying nature, I'd plant new grass seed and indigeonous plants... It probably would only take 20 minutes to burn canvases and a few panels... Nobody would even notice on these hard rainy days.
I am telling everyone that I can't stomach the possibility that I may have gone too far creating art in the first place, ina a world like this one where hundreds of thousands of innocent people get killed calling them all terrorists to justify never letting folks see their faces... i feel how hard it is to try to do something towards a common goal when most folks living in this society wear series of masks and hide their true intent as standard social courtesy.
When I say I have over 2 million dollars of art value to burn, I mean 3 centuries form now.... not today... I'd a sold it "fir 5 gand" in the comapny of M.G.....
All my life, I have intentionally placed my art with folks who protect it and will pass it down to their loved ones... in effect, I guarantee that no rich person will toss it out with their next home interior design switch. You know, I could make a fortune if I didn't care that the stuff lasted. I'd be in the garbage in N.Y. next to the Rauchebergs, the Jasper Johns, the Jackson Pollacks.... So many excellent and important art has been collected for sheer status... and tossed later, swtiched with the next art-fashion-craze. I don't eat lunch or dinner with those kinds of folks... I don't sleep in their pool houses... I am not their pet captured artist in the diarama zoo, painting on - cue.
I thnk my ego must be too big, to expect the rich folks to weep tears of gratitude, like my true collector's do.
I have sold so many, really really cheap.... already too much of a possibility that someday too many people making profit on my work after stealing it from each other, or one way or the other, from me.
I take years to research families and offer deals to the folks who are truly and really connected to/ with me.... I have little kids kissing my art in houses close to where I sit writing this... I cherish that I am woven into their lives, influencing their visual view on the world...
It often has become difficult, after leaving one town or the other, to hear that so & so sold something that was on loan to another mutual friend. Look at that profit... and I got none.
Mostly, I fear for the art. When I look someone in the eye and they assure me they will protect the art, in effect they do, byt moving it to folks who also cherish me... but wait a minute, on the back of those pieces it says (in my hand writing) "this is only on loan, tony owns it.. not for sale"....
When a person looks me in the eye with tears of joy/beauty.... and they assure me.... I am encouraged that it is a timeless reality... but I am not so sure they have the same standards as I did, when I picked them as safekeepers... yet, I often have just give them the art...
Those days are over.
I'm getting too old.
I've bailed from Aha, right before the recent launch... I had 25cents in my pocket and 3 gallons of gas...
do I have balls or what?
Who knows anyone who would stand for a certain level of principle/personal integrity, and take such a risk????
Then, on the otherhand, part of my disturbing recent reality around Aha! is that I could not put prices on my work, for fear that it would then be stolen... already, this beautiful 1800.00 watercolor piece was stolen right out of Aha, during the 8pm -10pm , 2 hour window when I left the stuff in the safekeeping of other members. Right in broad daylight, someone... stranger or friend walked right in, taking my painting, boldly off the wall and walked right out of aha center with it, while 20 people were in the building!
M.G. promised to compensate me 800 dollars for that... he said it was "on his watch" and he, "takes full responsibility".
Just one of the many promises he has made to me, and I must let everyone know that it is excruciating to realize I trusted this man...
Yet, I have to bless it all.
I want that painting to light up that theif's wall.
I want them to feel my touch through that painting!
I mean them no harm.
They coudll be reading this right now!
I accept this...
but I still want M.G. to follow through.
...and he ran like hell, when I asked him about stuff like this.
I hear the stories of his portrayals of my delivery.
He sure has left a lot out!
The local ART thief could have been a former M.G. kind of presence in my life. somebody else who didn't want to be reminded of how they were not following through... somebody else who wore masks.... or it could be an admirer of my art... someone who wanted that painting so much, they had to just take it!
I would respect that... believe it or not... and they could come to me and tell me they couldn't live without it... and it they did that, I'd know it was theirs if they cried those joyful tears combined with surrender.... but I'd still want something in trade, at least.
Value for value.
...otherwise the art, me, my vision... it's all devalued and s**t canned.
....can't have that!
those days are over.
I met this really rich person a while ago. She came from the common people. but she flies all over the world, furthering industries that bring clouds of soot rained down on us all... hevily medicated into a world of fast, furious action, action, action... How could that person ever really see my art? Why would I trust that person owning it, unless I saw her truly encouraging nature to be protected, I'd have to assume my art would be in the same place our air, water, last bits of nature now are, in people like her's hands.
Surely when she pitches that last 8 grand couch and replaces it with a 20 grand couch, I'd have to expect my art would be pitched too... if she owned it... just because the color scheme has changed.
I need folks, who at the very least, would donate my work to a museum someday rather than the town garbage dump.
Value systems count to me. You disrespect nature, so you probably disrespect certain segments of humanity.... and probably can't see/feel understand deep art.
Hasta La Vista Baby!
These are the words rinign in my ears these days... I walked away from aha center...
Little do the small minded realize, I might just walk right back in...
for the time being...somehow, ....from long distance away, or up close.... a vote was cast. Maybe it was my determination to see all people as equal and not to favor the wealthy distant backers...
The day this photo was taken... and Mediteranean Wraps...I could feel the wave hit me from just below the kness, while I saluted with this Starbuck's coffee... through this cell phone photo my mid-easter friend, Fahti, took on Sprint wireless... I could feel it was becoming the time to surf or die. I truly felt as if I had no choice, that the wave had already come... and I had to ride it... all while holding this treasured last smile and half a cup of coffeee!
I wrote a song about folks smiling and maintaining the smile while a nuke took them to the atom level. They knew the bright lights were the end... they had seconds and they chose the smile.
I saw it once
I'm eating a meal
with some friends...
we're outside eatin'
I'm looking at you!
You're looking at me!
We both smile,
lookin' soul deep
and everything,
goes really bright,
gets really right,
and really real!
Everything!
goes really true,
Me and You!
and our love too!
And we both know
What this is!
We sit here, smiling
like little kids
The truth is, I am very, very,very safe with M.G.'s kids. they want my teaching about art, self defense, music and life... But M.G. feels threatened and his gig is up... he somehow knos it... so he has to point at me and suggest it's my fault. and all I really/still want is this; that we evolve UP and grow beyond , and become who we can... it's never over. Every set-back is a surprise of opportunity waiting.
Trying to believe in this, while feeling uninvited by this one person who was like a best friend.... well this is a total challenge.. and I am not sure I can do it... not with only a quarter and 3 gallons of gas.
Some say I shouldn't take the leaving, being/feeling chased out, so personally, This envy /jealousy/projection/labeling thing from M.G. is something other folks have also experienced... they say, if I could just hold on, I could get enough backing from them to expose him and help him drop his faulty views on the world/me/them...
But what they don't realize is that he is killing me in this stranglehold... and I am really ready to torch my art to prove I am bigger than such cruelty... in a sense, showing that srt is inside, not the artwork.
You do the art, you evolve, and you are not the same person finishing the art as you were when you started to manifest the idea... doing it changes you and doing it changes the world for the better, for all time.
Folks realize some of this as unique to me, references like this... so to speak... yet, if they have studied physics, or evolution or the world in transition social change....they know this is actually how the universe truly is... and my words of allowance of this, just might be representative of the truth about the artist in relation to his art....
When M.G. knew I knew parts of him like a secret secret, he felt exposed... yet he has his art which is great... he should just not promise to help someone like me.... he should do what he feels could help, or just keep his mouth shut....
It's not my job to fix him, or to force respect from someone who now has backslid into seeing me through his own fears.
It's God's job to fix, and in time this will all work out.
the clock ticks...
but I am inthis big wave now... the safety I felt here is long gone... my version of the Aha ship is on fire.. no doubt about it... so I rolled away.
But my stuff needs a dry place in doors... and maybe I will just have to play the game of allowing for RICH art patrons and weep over thier dumptsers someday.
...................
when I feel so judged as M.G. has portrayed me with his labels, I feel betrayed for the healing path I chose to embrace. He sure loved me when I coined the slogan for his school! He sure loved me when I re-wrote his press releases with a more human touch! He sure loved me when I consulted with him about how to be strategic when the other founders were taking him to task for something way back when... and he sure loved to smoke cigars with me and make me belive he truly valued me in his process...
When I feel the injustice of his turn around, I am reminded of other expereinces of the worst case scenario for where he could be ehaded.. the kinds of injustice those other folks embarked upon and what later became of their idealic worlds.... It sure seemed like they rode for a fall!
Let me give you an example. A true story.
....a big music festival run by a certain "guy" who will remain un-named, since it's not for me to ruin him here....
I met this guy, once. Actually twice. Ten years ago was the first time. He's not in my clan. He's one of the "ride along'ers" in his own clan...He got to go along for the ride. Maybe it was his wife's devotion, or maybe itwas his suspiciaously well healed friends, or maybe it was the king dog that flew in themountain with Stevie Ray, who threw him that power. Doesn't matter, he had too much of it.
He didn' hurt people so much on purpose, but he sure did hurt a lot of people. I was one. The CHP. and the county sheriff told me his dad was County judge, in that land where I had ridden in too deep. Doesn't matter.... that guy threw me around aa car with 10 guys waiting to back him up... all on video. I did not respond. I asked him if he knew he had crossed the line... He pointed to the CHP direting traffic and he said, go get them, "I dare yah". I did not.
I did not for a lot of reasons. I could see inside the guys heart, but he could not see inside mine. He was correct in his attack, but I was not the one he was attacking. He was attacking a shadow of his frustration. A year before, his festivla had caused the death of one child. I knew I would never want to go there, yet I had... probably to redeem him. He was frustrated, becasue he was losign lots of money. People didn't want to go back... we know why. If you hold a festival, and one child dies because a person trips running after a dog, you know you played a part. YOU can never make that up to that mother, or our world. We all need that child to be protected. I knew this... and I grived for the goodthose folks were trying to do... however, they were already batting less than zero. If somebody gets injured, you take a break... nothing more to it. If somebody dies, you cancel 3 years of shows, you shut down the festival immediately, you send folks home, you refund their tickets and you give them a coupon for a movie to replace their drive time. If you don't want to, know to, or do this... you are already irresponsible. why are you running a festival, a family festival, if family's can't trust their children to your staff?
Like I said, that was 10 years ago.
I was way too cocky, I was notready to see what I needed to bring. For some reason, that guy couldn't recognize me as brother. I felt that it was something about me...
I was thrown out...On the ride home, I wondered what I should do, since he had assaulted me. I drove home, thinking about it... but stopped over in Francis Ford Coppola's land.... I filmed his wine fields, I took my time, I philosophized... I tried to figure out why I hadn't filed charges.
Later on, 2 years later, the 30th anniversary of the summer of love was held in golden gate park. I went, and I used my credentials to go backstage... met a lot of icons from the 60's, heroically interviewed them. They saw the light in my eyes, and a few claimed they loved the bands we played in together way back then. Some I corrected, but soon, I just let their good memories go through me.... they were seeing someone who was like me, that probably never survived. I let them see that person. I was llowing for that mystery to be true, good and perfect. These folks were so kind to0 me. right in the middle of a smile, that joker who threw me around the car walked past, behind them... He, at first wanted to greet me as friend, but then rmembered, and slid away like a snake...He was out of his league. the light was too bright.
I considered telling him what the police told me those years back. they asked me to help them shut down the festival. but they said I had taken too long to drive back. They said , if I had come to them right away, they'd a had a warm felony.... but 2 days later, no evidence except a video tape... it was a "cold misdemeanor"... not enough.
anyway, at the summer of love, I had the opportunity to give him my feedback... instead I honored the premise of that myth called the summer of love. I walked out on that stage, right in front of the Jefferson Airplane and filmed the 30,000 people, all happy.that's the spirit!
.........................
Now, almost more than 7 years later(forgivethenumerics, they are inteded to confuse the tracks to protect the innocent... as well as him)....I heard a story about that guy who threw me around the car. He retired, and had his big pay out... everything he had worked for... ready to go.... Late one night his wife was driving home along the coast and missed a turn... she died in an instant... over the cliff.
You folks who need to settle your hearts, listen up.
I won't say to that guy that he got "what he deserved" , because i had met many, many people who he had intentionally injured on my ride back to his place that day 7 years ago...
I won't sit outside his castle house and say "how does it feel?"
He had attacked me, thinking I was a gate crasher, but his info was off... he wanted it to be off, becuase he wanted someone to beat up... cause he was losing a couple hundred thousand at his festivla that year. I found this all out. He roughed up a lot of people that weekeknd, and he threatened them with his Dad, the county judge, when they baulked.
but he did not deserve to lose his wife. I had lost mine... I was trying to gain momentum to reach my son.... He was messing with my flow. The band who had gotten passes for me, had a flat tire.... they were late. they weren't even there.... while I waited, and the staff told me lies about how soon I'd get to set up the video gear to get the show on tape... I sensed I was not hearing the honest truth...when the band showed up, they realized that in their haste they had left the guest passes behind. they were able to get in becuase they knew him... they were the band... but when he asked them about me, they said, "yes he is wit h us, and he is here to film the show"... when asked where my backstage passes were, they said they left them at home... What the security guy heard, the chief of security guy, that is... what he heard was an opportunity to chase another "free-loader away". so he did. However, I Pay my way in blood. I never go for the show. I go to bring the message back for the people. I am not paid one dime. It's all out of pocket. That band salutes Steven Biko, Nelson Mandela, Bob Marley, Ghandi... these sing african-caribian-Regay practioners, peacemakers, servants of God/Goddess.
It was just not meant to be. My role is not according to what my ego result says the outcome is. I go, and sometimes it's to meet one or two people and put some wind under their wings. the video/film I bring back is gravy.
Same thing with this Aha! adventure. I wanted to showcase for everyone, what the teachers do their. Yet, at each juncture, I was refused support for the big work. So I did the small work and made that big. Speaks forever, beyond the building being demolished. the foundation for the Aha! community has to be from God/Goddess, not personality.
I cannot say why, all I know is that inside me was pure calm, meanwhile, the founding members showed up on-cue... as if a planned meeting. It sure was. God's plan 8:00 am pacific time. I had been woken up at 5 am. I did not want to gather my paintings to burn them out in a field... but that was the reason I had to walk inside. I saw what I needed to see... and I did what I did, on cue. the wave had already hit me 12 hours earlier, and you see it while I hold the coffeee in this photo... if you can truly see, you can see the wave hit me... my own personal tsunami. when I woke up in the middle of the night, and went inside, I was surfing it. I did not know where it would lead me... all I knew was that the wave was for riding and if I did not ride it, I might be dead over-nite. So I rid it. I rode it.
when they had shown up, I was filming the final art-work at Aha! center. Boy, oh Boy, was I surprised about that! I needed the money. I needed the show. Ineeded the recognition for all my volunteer work. But I had seen the wave coming when I was called a leech, and told to get a real job. I saw it coming when they refused to remember they still owe me 4 grand. Yeah, I work for free. But every one has to eat. I made less than 5 grand last year, in truth... am I making sense to you yet? If you can do this work, where you invite people back to their potential, the work gets interupted when You ask to be paid. I spent 10 hours with thenext spike lee 2 days ago. I made his day, and he made mine. I mentored to him non-stop, becuase he was ready. This happened on Stanford Campus, and riding bikes here and there. Not gay, not student disciple, equals....though different races,a nd each to change the world in one small way. I gave him the overview of all this work... I taught him everything he needs to know to fule 50 years. I did that, rather than search for a buyer of one ofmy fabulous paintings.
There is a young woman I met at the art store, I invited to come and tour, to see aha!. It took 8 months to get her to show up. While I gave her the tour, I could feel the wave behind me... I knew I might have turned over the baton, right then and there. She is now, with child... and her boyfriend, well, he is not her... she has the depth and he I do not yet know.
Outside Aha!, I have a wide circle of practitioner friends... folks that live the art of life. They teach me by being who they are... I let those necesary people know to look out for her, to help that baby be healthy... and they said, "send her around"... so, in a sense these folks outside of aha, that I keep in my wide circle will help her... and they do that in secret... most folks never know... it's so this woman who lived in a van, and now is pregnant, does not have to suffer through the twists and turns of the road ahead.
to be available for this work, requires full time awareness... but mostly surrender. It's hard to surrender and close deals that can make millions. I am ready for the recent few who want me to help them make millions... but that is what they think they want. Not necessarily what is waiting for them. I tes t them to see if they are ready to beocme their potential. I cannot make them be or do anything... but I can remind them just a little about who they are, by relecting that. Money is easy. this is hard. If your job is to help find and be ready for the ones who are ready... you may have to look elsewhere than in your bank account of material wealth to develop those skills.
So.
Please call me bozo the clown, if you need to. It helps me have a few extra seconds to drink this coffee. You see, I don't do this stuff to report it to you, or to amaze you... you decide what it means in your own life. You have work all around you and it's easier than this... and maybe more important. Please do it.
I am now, under the wave. but the ride was great. I hold no grudges. The foolish fake practitioners thought I was angry this morning. the true practioners saw me riding the biggest wave they'd ever seen. You might think Ijust lost so much, today, and I should be very upset... No. I do not ride these big waves with anger, rage, or judgement... I ride them with authority that translates to a level of internal calm.... though my voice was loud and my words too true to be real. The true practitioner saw me ride like a master. And that surprised me... but you willnever ride a wave if you watch the wave... You must look to the horizen and see where you are heading... aim it with finnesse. And pray that those who want you to fall and hit the reef, find peace. Know that they just cannot ride yet. But when they can, salute them and thank them for their taunts.. it makes for a great story.
Nobody gets outa here alive.Yeah. World . I know how you hurt. Been there, Done that.
I have this very peculiar feeling , right now. Right when I am trying to stand up around Aha! Center, my friend M.G. nails me by telling folks how he thinks I am "might confuse the kids" by being around them in the daytime too much.... He's worried they might think "Toe Knee is in charge of something... my presense might break the flow of the Aha! home schooling program, "....... I'm convinced. He finally convinced me.... ... that is,
M.G. finally convinced me that he is not worthy of my friendship, support or respect...
and, from a lot of angles it sure seems / looks like the Aha! ship toe knee believed in, helped found as a physical presence, and helped create the inner design for, is sinking. sinking faster than I thought.
Am I in the middle of the ship on fire?
No time to check....
M.G. has me in his psychic headlock of labels and slimy tactics... I gotta escape that first... I'll decide about the sinking ship after I swim to the clear.
So... it's emergency city/nation/world in ToeKneeLand.
I'm trying to decide where I should torch my paintings.
I am feeling that this whole idea of collaborative trust will never work...
So, I want to do something symbolic for all the visionary artists... something that gets the point across ala Warhol... How about a pile of smoking rubble from 20 years of work?
I could go and do it by the tree, in this heavy rain.... out in the county park.... Just me and that Mountain Lion... two lions watching another world fade.
Totally safe.... no forest fires.
They couldn't say I was destroying nature, I'd plant new grass seed and indigeonous plants... It probably would only take 20 minutes to burn canvases and a few panels... Nobody would even notice on these hard rainy days.
I am telling everyone that I can't stomach the possibility that I may have gone too far creating art in the first place, ina a world like this one where hundreds of thousands of innocent people get killed calling them all terrorists to justify never letting folks see their faces... i feel how hard it is to try to do something towards a common goal when most folks living in this society wear series of masks and hide their true intent as standard social courtesy.
When I say I have over 2 million dollars of art value to burn, I mean 3 centuries form now.... not today... I'd a sold it "fir 5 gand" in the comapny of M.G.....
All my life, I have intentionally placed my art with folks who protect it and will pass it down to their loved ones... in effect, I guarantee that no rich person will toss it out with their next home interior design switch. You know, I could make a fortune if I didn't care that the stuff lasted. I'd be in the garbage in N.Y. next to the Rauchebergs, the Jasper Johns, the Jackson Pollacks.... So many excellent and important art has been collected for sheer status... and tossed later, swtiched with the next art-fashion-craze. I don't eat lunch or dinner with those kinds of folks... I don't sleep in their pool houses... I am not their pet captured artist in the diarama zoo, painting on - cue.
I thnk my ego must be too big, to expect the rich folks to weep tears of gratitude, like my true collector's do.
I have sold so many, really really cheap.... already too much of a possibility that someday too many people making profit on my work after stealing it from each other, or one way or the other, from me.
I take years to research families and offer deals to the folks who are truly and really connected to/ with me.... I have little kids kissing my art in houses close to where I sit writing this... I cherish that I am woven into their lives, influencing their visual view on the world...
It often has become difficult, after leaving one town or the other, to hear that so & so sold something that was on loan to another mutual friend. Look at that profit... and I got none.
Mostly, I fear for the art. When I look someone in the eye and they assure me they will protect the art, in effect they do, byt moving it to folks who also cherish me... but wait a minute, on the back of those pieces it says (in my hand writing) "this is only on loan, tony owns it.. not for sale"....
When a person looks me in the eye with tears of joy/beauty.... and they assure me.... I am encouraged that it is a timeless reality... but I am not so sure they have the same standards as I did, when I picked them as safekeepers... yet, I often have just give them the art...
Those days are over.
I'm getting too old.
I've bailed from Aha, right before the recent launch... I had 25cents in my pocket and 3 gallons of gas...
do I have balls or what?
Who knows anyone who would stand for a certain level of principle/personal integrity, and take such a risk????
Then, on the otherhand, part of my disturbing recent reality around Aha! is that I could not put prices on my work, for fear that it would then be stolen... already, this beautiful 1800.00 watercolor piece was stolen right out of Aha, during the 8pm -10pm , 2 hour window when I left the stuff in the safekeeping of other members. Right in broad daylight, someone... stranger or friend walked right in, taking my painting, boldly off the wall and walked right out of aha center with it, while 20 people were in the building!
M.G. promised to compensate me 800 dollars for that... he said it was "on his watch" and he, "takes full responsibility".
Just one of the many promises he has made to me, and I must let everyone know that it is excruciating to realize I trusted this man...
Yet, I have to bless it all.
I want that painting to light up that theif's wall.
I want them to feel my touch through that painting!
I mean them no harm.
They coudll be reading this right now!
I accept this...
but I still want M.G. to follow through.
...and he ran like hell, when I asked him about stuff like this.
I hear the stories of his portrayals of my delivery.
He sure has left a lot out!
The local ART thief could have been a former M.G. kind of presence in my life. somebody else who didn't want to be reminded of how they were not following through... somebody else who wore masks.... or it could be an admirer of my art... someone who wanted that painting so much, they had to just take it!
I would respect that... believe it or not... and they could come to me and tell me they couldn't live without it... and it they did that, I'd know it was theirs if they cried those joyful tears combined with surrender.... but I'd still want something in trade, at least.
Value for value.
...otherwise the art, me, my vision... it's all devalued and s**t canned.
....can't have that!
those days are over.
I met this really rich person a while ago. She came from the common people. but she flies all over the world, furthering industries that bring clouds of soot rained down on us all... hevily medicated into a world of fast, furious action, action, action... How could that person ever really see my art? Why would I trust that person owning it, unless I saw her truly encouraging nature to be protected, I'd have to assume my art would be in the same place our air, water, last bits of nature now are, in people like her's hands.
Surely when she pitches that last 8 grand couch and replaces it with a 20 grand couch, I'd have to expect my art would be pitched too... if she owned it... just because the color scheme has changed.
I need folks, who at the very least, would donate my work to a museum someday rather than the town garbage dump.
Value systems count to me. You disrespect nature, so you probably disrespect certain segments of humanity.... and probably can't see/feel understand deep art.
Hasta La Vista Baby!
These are the words rinign in my ears these days... I walked away from aha center...
Little do the small minded realize, I might just walk right back in...
for the time being...somehow, ....from long distance away, or up close.... a vote was cast. Maybe it was my determination to see all people as equal and not to favor the wealthy distant backers...
The day this photo was taken... and Mediteranean Wraps...I could feel the wave hit me from just below the kness, while I saluted with this Starbuck's coffee... through this cell phone photo my mid-easter friend, Fahti, took on Sprint wireless... I could feel it was becoming the time to surf or die. I truly felt as if I had no choice, that the wave had already come... and I had to ride it... all while holding this treasured last smile and half a cup of coffeee!
I wrote a song about folks smiling and maintaining the smile while a nuke took them to the atom level. They knew the bright lights were the end... they had seconds and they chose the smile.
I saw it once
I'm eating a meal
with some friends...
we're outside eatin'
I'm looking at you!
You're looking at me!
We both smile,
lookin' soul deep
and everything,
goes really bright,
gets really right,
and really real!
Everything!
goes really true,
Me and You!
and our love too!
And we both know
What this is!
We sit here, smiling
like little kids
The truth is, I am very, very,very safe with M.G.'s kids. they want my teaching about art, self defense, music and life... But M.G. feels threatened and his gig is up... he somehow knos it... so he has to point at me and suggest it's my fault. and all I really/still want is this; that we evolve UP and grow beyond , and become who we can... it's never over. Every set-back is a surprise of opportunity waiting.
Trying to believe in this, while feeling uninvited by this one person who was like a best friend.... well this is a total challenge.. and I am not sure I can do it... not with only a quarter and 3 gallons of gas.
yet, I walk anyway... just to prove to myself that God/Goddess can & will make it all good full circle...
the test of will ends... but it takes a week.
oddly, I have gotten healthier...
Some say I shouldn't take the leaving, being/feeling chased out, so personally, This envy /jealousy/projection/labeling thing from M.G. is something other folks have also experienced... they say, if I could just hold on, I could get enough backing from them to expose him and help him drop his faulty views on the world/me/them...
But what they don't realize is that he is killing me in this stranglehold... and I am really ready to torch my art to prove I am bigger than such cruelty... in a sense, showing that srt is inside, not the artwork.
You do the art, you evolve, and you are not the same person finishing the art as you were when you started to manifest the idea... doing it changes you and doing it changes the world for the better, for all time.
Folks realize some of this as unique to me, references like this... so to speak... yet, if they have studied physics, or evolution or the world in transition social change....they know this is actually how the universe truly is... and my words of allowance of this, just might be representative of the truth about the artist in relation to his art....
When M.G. knew I knew parts of him like a secret secret, he felt exposed... yet he has his art which is great... he should just not promise to help someone like me.... he should do what he feels could help, or just keep his mouth shut....
It's not my job to fix him, or to force respect from someone who now has backslid into seeing me through his own fears.
It's God's job to fix, and in time this will all work out.
the clock ticks...
but I am inthis big wave now... the safety I felt here is long gone... my version of the Aha ship is on fire.. no doubt about it... so I rolled away.
But my stuff needs a dry place in doors... and maybe I will just have to play the game of allowing for RICH art patrons and weep over thier dumptsers someday.
...................
when I feel so judged as M.G. has portrayed me with his labels, I feel betrayed for the healing path I chose to embrace. He sure loved me when I coined the slogan for his school! He sure loved me when I re-wrote his press releases with a more human touch! He sure loved me when I consulted with him about how to be strategic when the other founders were taking him to task for something way back when... and he sure loved to smoke cigars with me and make me belive he truly valued me in his process...
When I feel the injustice of his turn around, I am reminded of other expereinces of the worst case scenario for where he could be ehaded.. the kinds of injustice those other folks embarked upon and what later became of their idealic worlds.... It sure seemed like they rode for a fall!
Let me give you an example. A true story.
....a big music festival run by a certain "guy" who will remain un-named, since it's not for me to ruin him here....
I met this guy, once. Actually twice. Ten years ago was the first time. He's not in my clan. He's one of the "ride along'ers" in his own clan...He got to go along for the ride. Maybe it was his wife's devotion, or maybe itwas his suspiciaously well healed friends, or maybe it was the king dog that flew in themountain with Stevie Ray, who threw him that power. Doesn't matter, he had too much of it.
He didn' hurt people so much on purpose, but he sure did hurt a lot of people. I was one. The CHP. and the county sheriff told me his dad was County judge, in that land where I had ridden in too deep. Doesn't matter.... that guy threw me around aa car with 10 guys waiting to back him up... all on video. I did not respond. I asked him if he knew he had crossed the line... He pointed to the CHP direting traffic and he said, go get them, "I dare yah". I did not.
I did not for a lot of reasons. I could see inside the guys heart, but he could not see inside mine. He was correct in his attack, but I was not the one he was attacking. He was attacking a shadow of his frustration. A year before, his festivla had caused the death of one child. I knew I would never want to go there, yet I had... probably to redeem him. He was frustrated, becasue he was losign lots of money. People didn't want to go back... we know why. If you hold a festival, and one child dies because a person trips running after a dog, you know you played a part. YOU can never make that up to that mother, or our world. We all need that child to be protected. I knew this... and I grived for the goodthose folks were trying to do... however, they were already batting less than zero. If somebody gets injured, you take a break... nothing more to it. If somebody dies, you cancel 3 years of shows, you shut down the festival immediately, you send folks home, you refund their tickets and you give them a coupon for a movie to replace their drive time. If you don't want to, know to, or do this... you are already irresponsible. why are you running a festival, a family festival, if family's can't trust their children to your staff?
Like I said, that was 10 years ago.
I was way too cocky, I was notready to see what I needed to bring. For some reason, that guy couldn't recognize me as brother. I felt that it was something about me...
I was thrown out...On the ride home, I wondered what I should do, since he had assaulted me. I drove home, thinking about it... but stopped over in Francis Ford Coppola's land.... I filmed his wine fields, I took my time, I philosophized... I tried to figure out why I hadn't filed charges.
Later on, 2 years later, the 30th anniversary of the summer of love was held in golden gate park. I went, and I used my credentials to go backstage... met a lot of icons from the 60's, heroically interviewed them. They saw the light in my eyes, and a few claimed they loved the bands we played in together way back then. Some I corrected, but soon, I just let their good memories go through me.... they were seeing someone who was like me, that probably never survived. I let them see that person. I was llowing for that mystery to be true, good and perfect. These folks were so kind to0 me. right in the middle of a smile, that joker who threw me around the car walked past, behind them... He, at first wanted to greet me as friend, but then rmembered, and slid away like a snake...He was out of his league. the light was too bright.
I considered telling him what the police told me those years back. they asked me to help them shut down the festival. but they said I had taken too long to drive back. They said , if I had come to them right away, they'd a had a warm felony.... but 2 days later, no evidence except a video tape... it was a "cold misdemeanor"... not enough.
anyway, at the summer of love, I had the opportunity to give him my feedback... instead I honored the premise of that myth called the summer of love. I walked out on that stage, right in front of the Jefferson Airplane and filmed the 30,000 people, all happy.that's the spirit!
.........................
Now, almost more than 7 years later(forgivethenumerics, they are inteded to confuse the tracks to protect the innocent... as well as him)....I heard a story about that guy who threw me around the car. He retired, and had his big pay out... everything he had worked for... ready to go.... Late one night his wife was driving home along the coast and missed a turn... she died in an instant... over the cliff.
You folks who need to settle your hearts, listen up.
I won't say to that guy that he got "what he deserved" , because i had met many, many people who he had intentionally injured on my ride back to his place that day 7 years ago...
I won't sit outside his castle house and say "how does it feel?"
He had attacked me, thinking I was a gate crasher, but his info was off... he wanted it to be off, becuase he wanted someone to beat up... cause he was losing a couple hundred thousand at his festivla that year. I found this all out. He roughed up a lot of people that weekeknd, and he threatened them with his Dad, the county judge, when they baulked.
but he did not deserve to lose his wife. I had lost mine... I was trying to gain momentum to reach my son.... He was messing with my flow. The band who had gotten passes for me, had a flat tire.... they were late. they weren't even there.... while I waited, and the staff told me lies about how soon I'd get to set up the video gear to get the show on tape... I sensed I was not hearing the honest truth...when the band showed up, they realized that in their haste they had left the guest passes behind. they were able to get in becuase they knew him... they were the band... but when he asked them about me, they said, "yes he is wit h us, and he is here to film the show"... when asked where my backstage passes were, they said they left them at home... What the security guy heard, the chief of security guy, that is... what he heard was an opportunity to chase another "free-loader away". so he did. However, I Pay my way in blood. I never go for the show. I go to bring the message back for the people. I am not paid one dime. It's all out of pocket. That band salutes Steven Biko, Nelson Mandela, Bob Marley, Ghandi... these sing african-caribian-Regay practioners, peacemakers, servants of God/Goddess.
It was just not meant to be. My role is not according to what my ego result says the outcome is. I go, and sometimes it's to meet one or two people and put some wind under their wings. the video/film I bring back is gravy.
Same thing with this Aha! adventure. I wanted to showcase for everyone, what the teachers do their. Yet, at each juncture, I was refused support for the big work. So I did the small work and made that big. Speaks forever, beyond the building being demolished. the foundation for the Aha! community has to be from God/Goddess, not personality.
I cannot say why, all I know is that inside me was pure calm, meanwhile, the founding members showed up on-cue... as if a planned meeting. It sure was. God's plan 8:00 am pacific time. I had been woken up at 5 am. I did not want to gather my paintings to burn them out in a field... but that was the reason I had to walk inside. I saw what I needed to see... and I did what I did, on cue. the wave had already hit me 12 hours earlier, and you see it while I hold the coffeee in this photo... if you can truly see, you can see the wave hit me... my own personal tsunami. when I woke up in the middle of the night, and went inside, I was surfing it. I did not know where it would lead me... all I knew was that the wave was for riding and if I did not ride it, I might be dead over-nite. So I rid it. I rode it.
when they had shown up, I was filming the final art-work at Aha! center. Boy, oh Boy, was I surprised about that! I needed the money. I needed the show. Ineeded the recognition for all my volunteer work. But I had seen the wave coming when I was called a leech, and told to get a real job. I saw it coming when they refused to remember they still owe me 4 grand. Yeah, I work for free. But every one has to eat. I made less than 5 grand last year, in truth... am I making sense to you yet? If you can do this work, where you invite people back to their potential, the work gets interupted when You ask to be paid. I spent 10 hours with thenext spike lee 2 days ago. I made his day, and he made mine. I mentored to him non-stop, becuase he was ready. This happened on Stanford Campus, and riding bikes here and there. Not gay, not student disciple, equals....though different races,a nd each to change the world in one small way. I gave him the overview of all this work... I taught him everything he needs to know to fule 50 years. I did that, rather than search for a buyer of one ofmy fabulous paintings.
There is a young woman I met at the art store, I invited to come and tour, to see aha!. It took 8 months to get her to show up. While I gave her the tour, I could feel the wave behind me... I knew I might have turned over the baton, right then and there. She is now, with child... and her boyfriend, well, he is not her... she has the depth and he I do not yet know.
Outside Aha!, I have a wide circle of practitioner friends... folks that live the art of life. They teach me by being who they are... I let those necesary people know to look out for her, to help that baby be healthy... and they said, "send her around"... so, in a sense these folks outside of aha, that I keep in my wide circle will help her... and they do that in secret... most folks never know... it's so this woman who lived in a van, and now is pregnant, does not have to suffer through the twists and turns of the road ahead.
to be available for this work, requires full time awareness... but mostly surrender. It's hard to surrender and close deals that can make millions. I am ready for the recent few who want me to help them make millions... but that is what they think they want. Not necessarily what is waiting for them. I tes t them to see if they are ready to beocme their potential. I cannot make them be or do anything... but I can remind them just a little about who they are, by relecting that. Money is easy. this is hard. If your job is to help find and be ready for the ones who are ready... you may have to look elsewhere than in your bank account of material wealth to develop those skills.
So.
Please call me bozo the clown, if you need to. It helps me have a few extra seconds to drink this coffee. You see, I don't do this stuff to report it to you, or to amaze you... you decide what it means in your own life. You have work all around you and it's easier than this... and maybe more important. Please do it.
I am now, under the wave. but the ride was great. I hold no grudges. The foolish fake practitioners thought I was angry this morning. the true practioners saw me riding the biggest wave they'd ever seen. You might think Ijust lost so much, today, and I should be very upset... No. I do not ride these big waves with anger, rage, or judgement... I ride them with authority that translates to a level of internal calm.... though my voice was loud and my words too true to be real. The true practitioner saw me ride like a master. And that surprised me... but you willnever ride a wave if you watch the wave... You must look to the horizen and see where you are heading... aim it with finnesse. And pray that those who want you to fall and hit the reef, find peace. Know that they just cannot ride yet. But when they can, salute them and thank them for their taunts.. it makes for a great story.
Nobody gets outa here alive.Yeah. World . I know how you hurt. Been there, Done that.
posted by Toe Knee at 2:17 AM
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