the NATURE of the beast
Living a lie.
be careful.... it's gonna creep up on you!
My new current belief is the hell we all face in our empty existence (if we exist empty) can be compressed down to one item.
ONE item only.
One equation.
One equation only.
and it is this.
How far would we go to save our own ass while those we love are slaughtered.
Maybe you don't understand it is terrifically more legal than ever to kill.
Killing through legal business.
Folks go to the clock in clock out, and they justify actions they'd never stomach if it were just blowing somebody's head off.
Yet, the results of their actions is the very same thing... and deep in their heart and soul, they know it.
THEY KNOW IT!
... and their wives, husbands, families, kids... frineds ... know it too.
I recently met the son of one of our greatest Blues musicians...
...that guy had folks eating out of his hand... except me.
Grammy or no grammy... it's not for me.
He must have sensed me.
Meanwhile, his dad has to be rolling over in his grave.
I walk away.
What a fool I am!
...there went another hundred grand.
Maybe the son that no longer talks to me will understand me in heaven, or hell or limbo whereever I eventually go.
I can't justify this.
I am what I AM.
NO COMPROMISE.
Almost dead at the end of my trail.
...thank you very much, american dream!
...white guys ahve to pay someday!
My family never did any of it...
...might as well start with me!
If I had a do0llar for every person who offered me cash to sell out, round trip tickets to hwerever and back becasue I inspired them.
Still wating for the tickets... meanwhile they got me to deliver on their behalf... and they made millions.
Oh well.
Par for the course,
Par for the curse.
Being born here among the incompleters...
Ouch ... it hurts to look like the disaster walking.
Haven't met one person yet who won't slobber and cower for a dime.
.......
Hey, I am not talking about our leaders or any tangible, findable warfare.
I am talking ABOUT FOLKS WHO PREACH PEACE, but actively destroy each other's safety, peace, path, homelife.
Go to a peace march with your beautiful wife or husband, get all gushie in yer heart, then get ready to see the next fake rasta pry his way into your home, disquized as a saint.
Ouch.
I learned it from expereince.
My eyes see different now.
But I still haven't gotten them to refocus.,.. no known goal seems worthwhile.
I get less gas mileage in my art truck than any Humvee, any day. I am a big fool... I admit it.
Driving down the road to a Toyota hybrid won't explain why each mile I drive justifies crucifying folks in this dangerous third world reality right around the corner from the nearest Silly kone software fix-it equation.
I looked Johnny Cash in the eye. he shook my hand. We congratulated each other for trying to get somewhere and make a better day. But we each saw in each other's eyes that the black and white, good and bad equations were foolish dreams, and we both seemed lost. He got to admit it in his last songs... Mine are still on theri way. I think he was a hero for admitting it...
For every person who says they have survived another day, without compromise, there are 285 sleeping next to newspaper machines in the cold... not in Iraq, but in America. And some write better songs than any of us could ever dream of. No wonder Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young, and so many of my past role models lock their gates.
Just like me and you (probably), they walk past it.
Turns your stomach?
Turns mine too.
It ain't W's fault.
...........
Let me tell you about today. I drive my art truck where ever I can afford to... and sometimes its still chasing the illusion of being active against idiocy.
Concepts like a Peaceful oasis, a headquarters, meeting places where folks who believe in peace and dying for peace is a premise.... used as a foundation for community.
One of the main spots? I was there today.
And I heard cynicsism unlike I have ever heard at Buck's in woodside, where I now sit (in peace) writing this... where the sometimes predator business elite dine. Surrounded by millionaires, and CEO's. Overhearing folly... but at least honest. No disguise.
Formerly, before arriving here, I was among the rastas, the cowboys, the natives, the activists.
Among the justifiers, the rage filled hangers-on types who grab onto each others coat tails and who have found a way to pretend.
Same old, same old.
There I was, tuning up my video camera, filming an excellent irish band singing songs about times 500 years ago that were just as filled with predators as today. same old , same old... yet the underying point of each song was LEARNING FROM PAST MISTAKES AND MAKING LIVES BETTER, HONORING FAMILIES AND EACH OTHER... SALUTING LIFE WITH GRATITUDE.
Beautiful.
Can't get enough of it.
You'd think the folks would see similar values in a guy who films , like me, among them... for such a band FOR FREE, for future generations...
Yet, I sense the same old envy.
... as usual, the more unique and self directed you are, the more it can piss off the status quo... no matter where you are samae old folly... humanity is what it is... flawed... there I was, surrounded by the fakes.
90% equations of fakes in every strata.
Calling out aginst me... a canary in the gold mine.
I have to endure it.
Hell no.
I pack up my gear and go.
........
Coastal Preservation.
right.
....the only store within 30 miles, with that range of allowances from the county, gets to be the headquarters against all future development, in the name of coastal preservation... does this make you suspicious?
Me too.
Faulty premise, unless it serves everyone.. not just the homeboys who exclude newcomers.
I really don't care.
maybe it's hypocrisy , maybe not....
What mattered/matters to me is this;
the REAL PEOPLE musicians.
Including the musician friends of the cynic who chased me away. They sang to a packed house of 20 people, maybe 30 if I missed a few. Today their total income had to be about 15 dollars each, on tips. They been doing it 15 years.
They need a guy like me... yet they appeal to folks who detract from truth... so what gives? What takes?
They compromise their dream each and every day, doing everything /anything for a dollar in favor of their family and keeping their kids warm, alive and safe. they can't risk any of it like I do. They resent me, but I don;'t resent them.
Like a joke I still don't quite get, I concieved I was there to bring my 30 years of media skills to pack the place beyond th parking lot... I am there to free them, to build an audience for them, to use my media skills to help them book jobs whereby they can pay each other something different, something realistic for the time and effort of arriving and playing.
Obviously, I am trying to build a dream they can't protect, for them... instead of being famous oon my own creativity, playing my own gigs all these years, I grieve for them.... and pony up time, energy, money out of my own pocket..
...and I wonder what the F**K is wrong with me.
...
because they resent my input.
What else could it be, when iIdeas fall on deaf ears.
No direct uploads to the internet can happen on their watch, even though this is the heart of the world invention technology space...because they don't even concieve of how to get there... all these eyars, still lagging and watching the audiences dwindle... not caring while the musicians give up one by one... or split apart.
... Meanwhile, even today, I keep offering and they allow a few of their cynical friends to prod me with derision.
I can pack up and leave... and I do.
The little children among them, the ones they hold and care for, they tell me they don't care if anyone knows this day of music ever happened through my camera's eye 20 years from now.
Great,
YOU convinced me.
I bail.
I have 14 years of footage, all filmed on my own dime. Observing their beauty and they let some jack ass piss me off,,, they feed him the sideways look and power him further.
Don't want my help.
Meanwhile Dana weeps in her songs, on my videos for the future, and they did too.. years ago..I have that in 15 concerts... yet she bailed from the music 6 years ago after she used my footage to get into a Tim Allen film. "Jungle to Jungle".
Right about the time when Tim Allen refused other people on his team's requests fro shared compensation and said, "let the ship sink"... and now he realizes what "Tool Time" really was for the people. Ego Ego Ego.
Dana in a movie with him, looks like she is trying to be Britney Spears... gave up music forever , right after that.
I used to watch with amazement how she made it all so safe for 600 to 1000 people to dance in shared dreams of true deep freedom, and dance their dream to life. Sometimes the women felt so free they would peel off their bras and tops and showcase natures flopping beauty in all it's glory.; they were free intheir safety and back to nature's purity beyond the confines of Howard Hughes of GE Silicon.
I filmed away from it, I knew it was too pure for regular folks...One time, I had my camear rolling and walking with the crowd to the main stage, a precious pure golden girl fo 14 peeled her top off showing those new little tities just blossoming. I turned the camera off. I know who I am. I looked deep, but not with camera for YOU! No video can film such beauty. I know... so... I turned it off.
Did she see the camera?
Yes...
...did she cover herself?
NO, it was a non-issue. I protected her.
I know who's side I am on!
....
Back to Dana, the lead singer for Pele JU JU, who used to phone me and leave guitar playing on my voicemail, "pelase don't let me down"... I never will. I let her use my footage, go for it Dana! I said...
...let her use it for free... she tells me back then she will compensate me someday, but never asks for insight... gets booked into a Tim Allen movie on that footage, sees the bellly of the beast, then bails from the music, this country and is now a massage therapist somewhere else... anonymous.
Was it my fault?
Maybe... I am still wondering.
Whole audiences collapsed their egos and dreamnt together and danced in freedom...
On the other hand, I found out that her band was at odds with each other.
Same ole, same ole.
singing about peace, and fighting amonst themselves.
I remember how she expressed her sorrow about the egos of band members conflicting with each other, how she tried to make it work, but their envy of her put them all at odds.
Peace acitivist believers every last one, in a personal war with each other.
The ship sank.
And who, on God/Goddess's green earth is still fanning the spark they were fueling for us?
Me...
My footage, 15 concerts of theirs, safeguarded and protected all these years is being uploaded in little spurts to my humble website by Emo.
Thank Emo, not me.
Without somebody working for free for me, I'd be deader than dead.
as you can tell, I am damn close right here , right now.
You can see the fottage, if you can endure the download wait.... it will be worth it folks, and soon I will create a smaller version that is easier on those of you who haven't the bandwidth.
By the way, the inhternet equation is intentionally tuned down to super slow (even the fast is 1000% slower than it needs to be), becasue the poweer brokers want to keep you under control.
and I don't blame them.
I mean, give people a little freedom and they produce 10,000 disasters.
....for the life of me, I still can't believe we each get to drive our own cars.
Idiots everywhere.
........
There Dana was, trying to appeal to the audience in Jungle to Jungle as the next Britney. What a disaster. All gussied up. Ouch it hurts to watch it... singing a song long dead. meaningless music... "It's my life and I"ll do what I want" , who could be responsible enough to back that up???
Download Dana's real music, "Eye's to the Sun", "Magic"... you will see what I mean. if you can ehar in your heart, still ... you will grieve for a planet that destroys musical carreers in favor of Neil or Bruce, or whomever. there are more brilliant people ou there than you can concieve... most die of footprints by the famous caving in their heads... competing for th elast diem.
Ouch.
I wish I didn't know.
Far superior to Britney, I proclaim that Dana's music will endure long after we all die... showcased for the world out of my blood sweat and tears.
....meanwhile, today,... I see I caved in... I let myself be chased away by a cynic, by one or two envious judgemental people, simply becasue I AM A GERMAN PIT BULL GENETIC and fearful I will salugheter them with words, I pack up and go.... For the beneift of all, I let the bombs implode in my heart as I drive AWAY.
Now, I sit here among folks who, (if you believe what I overhear) don't give a rat's ass about anything except whether they are getting laid tonight, and how much money they made this week. Honesty inside that, I find refuge.
When I park in front of this place, I get no subversive comments... just one "anal retentive woman" in this this week's past 3 visits here, who thinks I live "in a pig stye" if I drive an art truck like mine. She's right, by the way. She sees my home, that is it.... the art truck. She's just a natural psychic... I salute her!... please give her some power... !
I AM THE HYPOCRIT! I get FAR Less gas mileage than a humvee 1, 2, or 3... but can I justify it by saying it's my motel/hotel room on wheels? I think not... but do, just to get through till tomorrow.
SUMMARY:
Folks will kill to protect their family... they do so each and every day, legally they destroy each other through legal business. I sit among them.
No one here has disrespected me, yet...or as made me feel less human here.
...or maybe they notice I am one of them.
Don't fool yourself with beliefs unless you are willling to sacrifice to live them.
Most folks are unable.
And I am admitting I am probably unable to do so too... just by the fact that I still breathe and have psuedo freedom, I must have hurt so many, walked on top of so many to survive.
...
such is planet earth.
Is it time for me to finally make it all official and sell out for a dollar?
Maybe I already have.
All I know is this, I will never march for peace among cowards.
be careful.... it's gonna creep up on you!
My new current belief is the hell we all face in our empty existence (if we exist empty) can be compressed down to one item.
ONE item only.
One equation.
One equation only.
and it is this.
How far would we go to save our own ass while those we love are slaughtered.
Maybe you don't understand it is terrifically more legal than ever to kill.
Killing through legal business.
Folks go to the clock in clock out, and they justify actions they'd never stomach if it were just blowing somebody's head off.
Yet, the results of their actions is the very same thing... and deep in their heart and soul, they know it.
THEY KNOW IT!
... and their wives, husbands, families, kids... frineds ... know it too.
I recently met the son of one of our greatest Blues musicians...
...that guy had folks eating out of his hand... except me.
Grammy or no grammy... it's not for me.
He must have sensed me.
Meanwhile, his dad has to be rolling over in his grave.
I walk away.
What a fool I am!
...there went another hundred grand.
Maybe the son that no longer talks to me will understand me in heaven, or hell or limbo whereever I eventually go.
I can't justify this.
I am what I AM.
NO COMPROMISE.
Almost dead at the end of my trail.
...thank you very much, american dream!
...white guys ahve to pay someday!
My family never did any of it...
...might as well start with me!
If I had a do0llar for every person who offered me cash to sell out, round trip tickets to hwerever and back becasue I inspired them.
Still wating for the tickets... meanwhile they got me to deliver on their behalf... and they made millions.
Oh well.
Par for the course,
Par for the curse.
Being born here among the incompleters...
Ouch ... it hurts to look like the disaster walking.
Haven't met one person yet who won't slobber and cower for a dime.
.......
Hey, I am not talking about our leaders or any tangible, findable warfare.
I am talking ABOUT FOLKS WHO PREACH PEACE, but actively destroy each other's safety, peace, path, homelife.
Go to a peace march with your beautiful wife or husband, get all gushie in yer heart, then get ready to see the next fake rasta pry his way into your home, disquized as a saint.
Ouch.
I learned it from expereince.
My eyes see different now.
But I still haven't gotten them to refocus.,.. no known goal seems worthwhile.
I get less gas mileage in my art truck than any Humvee, any day. I am a big fool... I admit it.
Driving down the road to a Toyota hybrid won't explain why each mile I drive justifies crucifying folks in this dangerous third world reality right around the corner from the nearest Silly kone software fix-it equation.
I looked Johnny Cash in the eye. he shook my hand. We congratulated each other for trying to get somewhere and make a better day. But we each saw in each other's eyes that the black and white, good and bad equations were foolish dreams, and we both seemed lost. He got to admit it in his last songs... Mine are still on theri way. I think he was a hero for admitting it...
For every person who says they have survived another day, without compromise, there are 285 sleeping next to newspaper machines in the cold... not in Iraq, but in America. And some write better songs than any of us could ever dream of. No wonder Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young, and so many of my past role models lock their gates.
Just like me and you (probably), they walk past it.
Turns your stomach?
Turns mine too.
It ain't W's fault.
...........
Let me tell you about today. I drive my art truck where ever I can afford to... and sometimes its still chasing the illusion of being active against idiocy.
Concepts like a Peaceful oasis, a headquarters, meeting places where folks who believe in peace and dying for peace is a premise.... used as a foundation for community.
One of the main spots? I was there today.
And I heard cynicsism unlike I have ever heard at Buck's in woodside, where I now sit (in peace) writing this... where the sometimes predator business elite dine. Surrounded by millionaires, and CEO's. Overhearing folly... but at least honest. No disguise.
Formerly, before arriving here, I was among the rastas, the cowboys, the natives, the activists.
Among the justifiers, the rage filled hangers-on types who grab onto each others coat tails and who have found a way to pretend.
Same old, same old.
There I was, tuning up my video camera, filming an excellent irish band singing songs about times 500 years ago that were just as filled with predators as today. same old , same old... yet the underying point of each song was LEARNING FROM PAST MISTAKES AND MAKING LIVES BETTER, HONORING FAMILIES AND EACH OTHER... SALUTING LIFE WITH GRATITUDE.
Beautiful.
Can't get enough of it.
You'd think the folks would see similar values in a guy who films , like me, among them... for such a band FOR FREE, for future generations...
Yet, I sense the same old envy.
... as usual, the more unique and self directed you are, the more it can piss off the status quo... no matter where you are samae old folly... humanity is what it is... flawed... there I was, surrounded by the fakes.
90% equations of fakes in every strata.
Calling out aginst me... a canary in the gold mine.
I have to endure it.
Hell no.
I pack up my gear and go.
........
Coastal Preservation.
right.
....the only store within 30 miles, with that range of allowances from the county, gets to be the headquarters against all future development, in the name of coastal preservation... does this make you suspicious?
Me too.
Faulty premise, unless it serves everyone.. not just the homeboys who exclude newcomers.
I really don't care.
maybe it's hypocrisy , maybe not....
What mattered/matters to me is this;
the REAL PEOPLE musicians.
Including the musician friends of the cynic who chased me away. They sang to a packed house of 20 people, maybe 30 if I missed a few. Today their total income had to be about 15 dollars each, on tips. They been doing it 15 years.
They need a guy like me... yet they appeal to folks who detract from truth... so what gives? What takes?
They compromise their dream each and every day, doing everything /anything for a dollar in favor of their family and keeping their kids warm, alive and safe. they can't risk any of it like I do. They resent me, but I don;'t resent them.
Like a joke I still don't quite get, I concieved I was there to bring my 30 years of media skills to pack the place beyond th parking lot... I am there to free them, to build an audience for them, to use my media skills to help them book jobs whereby they can pay each other something different, something realistic for the time and effort of arriving and playing.
Obviously, I am trying to build a dream they can't protect, for them... instead of being famous oon my own creativity, playing my own gigs all these years, I grieve for them.... and pony up time, energy, money out of my own pocket..
...and I wonder what the F**K is wrong with me.
...
because they resent my input.
What else could it be, when iIdeas fall on deaf ears.
No direct uploads to the internet can happen on their watch, even though this is the heart of the world invention technology space...because they don't even concieve of how to get there... all these eyars, still lagging and watching the audiences dwindle... not caring while the musicians give up one by one... or split apart.
... Meanwhile, even today, I keep offering and they allow a few of their cynical friends to prod me with derision.
I can pack up and leave... and I do.
The little children among them, the ones they hold and care for, they tell me they don't care if anyone knows this day of music ever happened through my camera's eye 20 years from now.
Great,
YOU convinced me.
I bail.
I have 14 years of footage, all filmed on my own dime. Observing their beauty and they let some jack ass piss me off,,, they feed him the sideways look and power him further.
Don't want my help.
Meanwhile Dana weeps in her songs, on my videos for the future, and they did too.. years ago..I have that in 15 concerts... yet she bailed from the music 6 years ago after she used my footage to get into a Tim Allen film. "Jungle to Jungle".
Right about the time when Tim Allen refused other people on his team's requests fro shared compensation and said, "let the ship sink"... and now he realizes what "Tool Time" really was for the people. Ego Ego Ego.
Dana in a movie with him, looks like she is trying to be Britney Spears... gave up music forever , right after that.
I used to watch with amazement how she made it all so safe for 600 to 1000 people to dance in shared dreams of true deep freedom, and dance their dream to life. Sometimes the women felt so free they would peel off their bras and tops and showcase natures flopping beauty in all it's glory.; they were free intheir safety and back to nature's purity beyond the confines of Howard Hughes of GE Silicon.
I filmed away from it, I knew it was too pure for regular folks...One time, I had my camear rolling and walking with the crowd to the main stage, a precious pure golden girl fo 14 peeled her top off showing those new little tities just blossoming. I turned the camera off. I know who I am. I looked deep, but not with camera for YOU! No video can film such beauty. I know... so... I turned it off.
Did she see the camera?
Yes...
...did she cover herself?
NO, it was a non-issue. I protected her.
I know who's side I am on!
....
Back to Dana, the lead singer for Pele JU JU, who used to phone me and leave guitar playing on my voicemail, "pelase don't let me down"... I never will. I let her use my footage, go for it Dana! I said...
...let her use it for free... she tells me back then she will compensate me someday, but never asks for insight... gets booked into a Tim Allen movie on that footage, sees the bellly of the beast, then bails from the music, this country and is now a massage therapist somewhere else... anonymous.
Was it my fault?
Maybe... I am still wondering.
Whole audiences collapsed their egos and dreamnt together and danced in freedom...
On the other hand, I found out that her band was at odds with each other.
Same ole, same ole.
singing about peace, and fighting amonst themselves.
I remember how she expressed her sorrow about the egos of band members conflicting with each other, how she tried to make it work, but their envy of her put them all at odds.
Peace acitivist believers every last one, in a personal war with each other.
The ship sank.
And who, on God/Goddess's green earth is still fanning the spark they were fueling for us?
Me...
My footage, 15 concerts of theirs, safeguarded and protected all these years is being uploaded in little spurts to my humble website by Emo.
Thank Emo, not me.
Without somebody working for free for me, I'd be deader than dead.
as you can tell, I am damn close right here , right now.
You can see the fottage, if you can endure the download wait.... it will be worth it folks, and soon I will create a smaller version that is easier on those of you who haven't the bandwidth.
By the way, the inhternet equation is intentionally tuned down to super slow (even the fast is 1000% slower than it needs to be), becasue the poweer brokers want to keep you under control.
and I don't blame them.
I mean, give people a little freedom and they produce 10,000 disasters.
....for the life of me, I still can't believe we each get to drive our own cars.
Idiots everywhere.
........
There Dana was, trying to appeal to the audience in Jungle to Jungle as the next Britney. What a disaster. All gussied up. Ouch it hurts to watch it... singing a song long dead. meaningless music... "It's my life and I"ll do what I want" , who could be responsible enough to back that up???
Download Dana's real music, "Eye's to the Sun", "Magic"... you will see what I mean. if you can ehar in your heart, still ... you will grieve for a planet that destroys musical carreers in favor of Neil or Bruce, or whomever. there are more brilliant people ou there than you can concieve... most die of footprints by the famous caving in their heads... competing for th elast diem.
Ouch.
I wish I didn't know.
Far superior to Britney, I proclaim that Dana's music will endure long after we all die... showcased for the world out of my blood sweat and tears.
....meanwhile, today,... I see I caved in... I let myself be chased away by a cynic, by one or two envious judgemental people, simply becasue I AM A GERMAN PIT BULL GENETIC and fearful I will salugheter them with words, I pack up and go.... For the beneift of all, I let the bombs implode in my heart as I drive AWAY.
Now, I sit here among folks who, (if you believe what I overhear) don't give a rat's ass about anything except whether they are getting laid tonight, and how much money they made this week. Honesty inside that, I find refuge.
When I park in front of this place, I get no subversive comments... just one "anal retentive woman" in this this week's past 3 visits here, who thinks I live "in a pig stye" if I drive an art truck like mine. She's right, by the way. She sees my home, that is it.... the art truck. She's just a natural psychic... I salute her!... please give her some power... !
I AM THE HYPOCRIT! I get FAR Less gas mileage than a humvee 1, 2, or 3... but can I justify it by saying it's my motel/hotel room on wheels? I think not... but do, just to get through till tomorrow.
SUMMARY:
Folks will kill to protect their family... they do so each and every day, legally they destroy each other through legal business. I sit among them.
No one here has disrespected me, yet...or as made me feel less human here.
...or maybe they notice I am one of them.
Don't fool yourself with beliefs unless you are willling to sacrifice to live them.
Most folks are unable.
And I am admitting I am probably unable to do so too... just by the fact that I still breathe and have psuedo freedom, I must have hurt so many, walked on top of so many to survive.
...
such is planet earth.
Is it time for me to finally make it all official and sell out for a dollar?
Maybe I already have.
All I know is this, I will never march for peace among cowards.
posted by Toe Knee at 6:36 PM
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