RE: A reply

From: "Ken Kolter" 

To: <toekneestanger@hotmail.com

Subject: A reply

Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2005 20:58:24 -0600

 

Hey Toe Knee,

 

I am honored to reconnect to your spirit.

 

I am honored and humbled by your insights into my playing and into our

journey.

 

You are 1000 percent right in that you've demonstrated tremendous courage in

staying true to art into life.

 

I've often wondered what the cost of your commitment has been, concurrently

I have wondered about the closeness to God-closeness to nature-closeness to

spirit you have attained as a result of your focus.

 

You are the hero

 

You always allowed a sacred creative space for me to dwell in....my biggest

fan, my nemesis, an enigma, my friend.

 

I have an image of you burned in my soul. You and Joel stirring some big ass

steel cauldron making tofu in a converted gas station of sorts. The three of

us sharing our musical visions and cigarettes. It was colder than hell

outside. You always had a sly smile on your face like you were gonna crack

the biggest joke on earth any second.

 

I always trusted you. Even through that deal with Sammi, I never doubted our

connection.

 

You scared me mostly. Cause you challenged my creative/artistic/life visions

constantly. As I got older and drifting away from the music, you threw it in

my face and I did not like it.

 

 I am blessed now in the days we shared. The moments on

stage-backstage-rehearsing-sharing eggs and beans and a quart of beer.

 

You pioneered for me an appreciation for Native American spirituality-you

invited me to my first sweat.

 

I honor you for these things and many others.

 

Thanks bro,

 

Kenny

.................................. 

 Howdy Kenny,

        I sure hope you folks still have the Hopi Kachina I loaned you.... I kinda feel like a part of me is there with you encapsulated in that, as a memory of the Albuquerque days...

        Whew, unbelievable, it fel like a year had transpaired in a week back then.... I just realized that some good 8mm footage was filmed then.... maybe I can track it down and send a copy or turn it into a toekneesho segment.

       Prices paid....

       I am not quite sure if you are serious about suyggestions of wondering about the prices I've paid to try to stay true to my path.

      Maybe it's because I am not sure (totally), at least not today, about the prices I've paid.

      Over and over and over and over again in my life, folks have implored me to learn how to wear a mask, how to act my way through, how to cover myself first rather than try to aling to these (still distant) lofty ideals... But what they didn't realize was that following their advisce would be actually to deny the peculiar routes that brought THEM into my life, as well as all future ones I might meet, if I continue.

      I dare say that none of those folks or you or anyone who ever saw something worthwhile in me, would have ever wanted to meet a version oif me that embraced the GREY WORLD.

      Now, I'm gone gray and trying to get used to being seen as everybody's Grandpa isn't easy, when you're still cranking up to run on "all cylinders". I haven't yet been able to produce 10% of what I dream up every day. Actually, nothing ever gets dreamt up, what really happens is that it gets passed through us. Knowing this makes it really easy to sacrifice a few strong song or painting or film ideas for just taking a walk in the park, or through the city and seeing the beauty in reflected smiles/songbirds.

     The more time goes by, the bigger the simplest things seem and the smaller the biggest things seem....  Those really famous actors and musicians who had to invent personas and then had to live with the fake version of who they ever wanted to aspire to become; all less than the real part no one ever will see. This explains the empty eyes of despair/way that Johnny Cash looks out from his last video and almost begs folks to realize that he feels very sorry not to have been his complete self through  the fame.

     The only person who was confused was Johnny Cash... I have already suggested in my blog postings that the action people apply/how they are known/the opinion of how well they are doing are all shadow versions of what wee already do by BEING without need for action/intnet/journeys.... the screwy part of all this is: we still do need to do our intent, our actions, our journeys because/for the EXPRESSION OF SELF. Interesting that all of a suden the idea of a privileged view on reality also falls away immediately.

     Supposedly, I have a new child somewhere nearby. The one I concieved that child with, had sold me out the week before conception. It was too much for her to try to keep stpe with me, and back then I was doing 10 steps in one, trying to earn/deserve her sacred presence in my life. I thought I was rewarding her, by intending to conceive that night. I thought the baby she dreamed of having with US, and the tender tears she cried speaking of the possibilites of it, were truth of our ability to carefull share that. Turns out, her hormones had changed, she didn't know she was pregnant, and though she was a Dula (a type of midwife) she didn't check her actions which all buried our future plans. I felt all this happening from a distance, it ripped me to shreds over and over. She left town, discloed whatever she could about me to get her friends/family to help herp and I haven't even got a photo of our child .... it's been 3 years and I am recovering still.

      Whatever I thought I had built as a foundation in my life/art/music, relation to truth... was all washed away and all I could see were cliffs to drive off of everyday I woke up was another last ditch effort to save my own life.

     That same woman, completely convinced me that she'd never bail on me. We'd been through all the tests for 2 years, and I was noticing that I WAS TRULY BUILDING a place inside my heart for the US that we we were becoming.

     I suppose I confused her by being honest enough to admit that I was stil repairing other fragments left on the path to meeting her. I suppose I confused her by working harder, and harder every moment we were apart.

     Why would anyone be so foolish as to put stuff like this in a Blog? How could it ever help anybody?

     I have this premise of embracing the scary parts, not leaving them for the past or future deathbed flashbacks.

     The business man part of me, now, is currently being embraced. I do projects with contracts on paper. I protect intellectual property, my privacy (really), and certain dream projects in ways (most people who have ever known me) would surprise folks... might even care them.

     You see, I had been just finishing my Tae Bo contributions when I first met that mother of that child of ours...  I was satisfied that Amuso was utilizing all the creative support I had given him through mentoring late night phone calls. I had helped build a project that went world wide, and the eal project was going to be (next) launching my full art portfolio, as you know... with full backing.  But those were by-projects. What I was truly doing was trying to rebuild my cpacity as father with a previous child.  I  did everything right, except, I had not gotten it all on paper. OUCH.

    So, 3 years ago, I was ready in every way and had a new potential family, all at the mercy of one business deal with one person who sold me out.

    So I watched Madame X walk out and  create walls so that I could never reach her, and then I heard the "I told you so" from so many who were going to have been directly benefitting from my status on a project that had already sold millions... Folks who I trusted were so satisfied to see me get buried with despair, diossappointment,... even the ones who would have been taken "over the top" with me, seemed all to convicned that shattered dreams were the best result I could have hoped for.

    Ouch.

    They all walked out my door.  One holds our baby today, another writes me and asks when I am going to step up and be the father of our 16 year old....

    I did everything right, except, I never understood just how far people will go, when they walk away from loved ones.

   What I try to stomach is the reality (for example) that while waves are washing people out to sea, we each have the option of trying to keep somebody less strong alive, at personal risk to our own lives. How many people would reach out rather than run first? How many of us would want someone close to us to smack us awake if we broke down hysterically, in order to get us to swim for our lives.

   It seems that, many years ago, I was known to be the one who would get in people's faces and chastise them towards their potential... then years later, they'd always eventually call or write and thank me for that. But in th emean time, I paid the price of their rejection.

   It was only 3 years ago, when i started to rehspae the reasons why people need to be honored for their unique paths. Everyman a Hero. Every Woman a Hero. It doesn't have to match what I think they should be doing. Reality is, nobody knows what the real choices are for others...

  My grip was pried off these ideals 3 years ago. One more layer burned away.

  I felt privileged to see others getting another chance from tir spouses. I feel privileged if I can remind folks in the process of deciding something like that, these days, when I get to remind  people of the possible reasons behond actions which confuse.

   We either bring the best out in each other, or the worst...  or something mediocre in between that we all honoestly know... but whcih may actually be the higher path, and never get fully understood until we are faced with our own personal Sue Knombie, tsu nami ... whatever.

   It took me 10 years, to understand that the part of me that got fried in my heart was fried for good reasons, and it will never come back naiive like it was. Say goodbye to peaceful Ignorance.

   I never fully iunderstood I had lost/let go until the repeat of all those ingredients when Madam X ran with our recent child.

  Oh yeah, I can make it sound like a heroic mission accomplished, but to me it's all still shameful  and hard to live with, though far easier nowadays, than it was then. 

  I can see clearly, now, about one part of me folks thought was heroic and why it got left behind.

  One I held dear begged me to stop her if she ever tried to convince me she no longer loved me. It was a silly proposal. Her giving me the power to do whatever it takes, rather than lose the love we had. As you know, honoring her request did not work at all. All that happened was I became a bigger target while she amazed me with her full range of full force until I had to leave that town.

  10 year later, it all reeats when the new family/woman I had been rebuilding left me after the business partner betrayed his deals with me. Evrything precious, left in my life, everything... walked out the door and I was left with this "talent" that still seems all too empty and silly.

 

  Prices paid equal lessons learned equal gift recieved equal opportunities now.

  All the study I have done, trying to discover motivations of various political practitioners of present and past all seem to make more and more sense.

   I have had my sand castle blasted by waves. I have seen how a person builds their own fortress, without realizing it. I have noticed that right use of breath does not eve guarantee outcomes to please. I've understood that the power of thought can get away from us... and I get to understand the parts of me that never surfaced until the precious was lost forever.

  Makes it all the better if anything  rebuilds today.

  Makes it all the more beautiful when true smiles are offered from strangers, because the vibration supports that beauty and respect and dignity.

  Makes it all the more profound to understand that I am a far better person today than I ever thought I'd ever become...

   ... and the only person that really ever know that part of me, is me, and the only way I could ever have felt that kind of peace was through the sacrifice of sharing my love with the ones I shared it with... and physical proximity never mirrors reality of the inner heart.

       There could have been no other way for a person to bless their live's mistakes, as I have tried to belss them in this e-mail, unless they had paid the price to see them so clearly.

        So...

        Like a Sit-com, I get to pretend that the conclusion of this e-mail premise is clear and the whole circle complete, worth while.

        Let's call it peace for a day.

        Let's pretend that I'll be up for responding to life in newer ways that prove I truly learned something... since this equation for making words work is simple math matic and vertually meaningless.

       Let's see if I can ;

                   be a thousand times more present and complete in the next reflected smile,

                   and a lot more understanding in the "longer while".

 

Oh yeah,

           the following is not medical advice, (do not try this at home without a physician)

                 I figured something out about my physiology/bio-chemistry, which helped me rebuild 3 years ago. After pointed questions lofted through prayers at my sacred tree, I investigated the "brain chemistry of trauma".  Using what i learned, I was able to rebuild my brain in 2 years. While doing so, I discovered that trauma can actually fry circuits "upstairs" permanently, but that there are ways to feed the brain and supply support during traumatic sequences in our lives. The difference between solving riddles, learning to forgive, being able to walk/talk do art or losing 40 IQ points is what I am talkng about.

                 Alpha-Lioic Acid is an incredible nautal substance that  some say is 300 times anti-oxidant past vitamin E and DEFEATS the brain barrier. If high stress times start to mess with blood sugar balance and start to wear down brain circutry, then Alph Lipoic Acidcan save you for a day or two while you sort it out.

                There's a book called "Brain Nutrition" that explains the roles that various good fats (found in natural oils like Olive Oil and eggs, , flax, etc.) in maintaining optimum brain power and IQ.  Since the brain is 98% fat, eating deep fried foods consisting of trans-fats buillds our brain in a way that cannot handle high-stress situations, and therefore this explains why so many homeless people lose IQ and mumble in mental illness.... If you check their life stories leading up to that point  where they hit the street, you find that a huge proportion were hit by life tragedy that they could not solve... and they weren't able to meet the tragedy with the nutrition of the diet they were on. While free of heavy stress they may have been the vision of success. Now the may be living in the streets, losing teeth, with the brain power of an idiot created out of reality of what happens to a good brain on high stress.

                The process of solving this riddle for me, has helped me to put a whole series of slip-ups into proportion. Because I had bitten by a rattlesnake in my teen-age years, I was, in theory handi-capped in these areas  of nutrition and brian support. Running a lot of creative energy is like running high stress energy. You and I, and everyone can develop a brain that is flexible, able to handle stress, and further more; capable of creating opportunity out of set-backs.

        

             No such thing... in other words. No such thing as a set-back.

             I needed to go through what I survived, becasue I now understand that everyone has to have a point when they can walk away... since, we can only walk away from each other/ideas/things/projects for a time anyway.

             Notice that the good you deserve comes back hand in hand with the lessons left to learn and the whole deal could be an adventure or a torture chamber depending on how we greet it.

             I hate that silver lining rule that suggests that every cloud has one. Oh yes it does, but who wants to expereince another cloud?

             My role in life was for me, on this path and it should absolutely be a confusion to others, if they see it as confusion.

 

................

            Guess what,  one of my surrent projects is to shift me to a sleep schedule mathing the dreamtime of friends and family. Simple as that. It may look like I am refining my catalogue of art for a show upcoming. It may look like I am re-editing that new tv show featuring a recent associate who passed away. It may look like finishing touches on a few watercolors that will be passed along to folks honoring their passed away ancestors... It may look like that, or it may look like isolation to the ones who miss me on their schedules of daily life while I do my work...  All the conditions of a major artwork completed/ installed on the biggest city square/in the most prestigious museum all match with the trues project invisible I am embracing; to get ahead, just enough, so I can relax and live in the daylight again.

            How simple... how amazing, how discretely absurd.

 

            Now, I am understanding all those shut-in artists who demanded finsihing their projects at all cost.

            Question: "Have I REALLY learned anything?"

"...another interesting test adventure into the magic of intention on the material plane"

                      Art into Life

                       -Toe knee